Waiting for Liftoff

Still in a holding pattern, still waiting for liftoff. Because the EKG changes are new, I need further cardiac testing and am booked for a 2D Echocardiogram in Mississauga on February 9th at 1:30 pm—just 18 hours before my scheduled surgery. I am told that Dr. Cobourn will be at the hospital at that time so I may have an answer—Yah or Nah—shortly afterwards. I picked this cute little cat as a photo, as it represents how I feel at this moment.

Wow. This is hitting me hard. I’m almost 56 and now my heart isn’t as good as I thought it was. At 50 things seemed great even though I was overweight (ok I think I hit the obese level) but I was exercising and eating decently, just too much. So what happened? The last two years haven’t been the best. Two years ago, my mother died, but that was a relief. She had been in a nursing home for 22 years with Multiple Sclerosis which basically screwed up our family dynamics royally. Part of this stress had me on anti-depressants for 15 years. After she died I stopped the pills and didn’t think I really needed them. Work for the last while has been stressful. I work with the federal government in computers, software development and technical support and love what I do. It isn’t hard, in fact it is pretty boring at times. But it is government and 1 ½ years ago a new employee was hired to help me but caused me no end of grief. He was unable to grasp even the simplest concepts and after much complaining, he no longer reports to me. But he is still there because they can’t fire him. Enough said. It eats me that he is getting a free ride. So my stress levels and blood pressure soared. Last spring I developed plantars fasciitis and had a hard time walking, which was my exercise of choice. So it has been almost a year since I put my heart to work. My feet are better now and I was getting excited to add walking back into my life.

As the morning goes on it is strange, I don’t feel like eating. I think my brain is trying to process all this but I’m really thinking I may keel over and die of a heart attack if I let a piece of chocolate pass my lips. Still sticking to the pre-op liquid diet as it may be the only thing I can get down. If you got this far in my post, please don’t feel sorry for me as I am just in shock right now. Take this as an omen of things that may come to pass if you don’t start looking after yourself now. I notice many of you are in your 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. Taking the step to be banded is the most intelligent decision you will ever make. I wish I had known about this little band of help years ago. Hopefully I have this echo and it will show I can survive surgery to be banded. If it shows I am on deaths door (NOT!) I did tell my husband that we can take the $16,000 refund and go on a fabulous trip. NASA delayed the shuttle launch yesterday but it went off last night without a hitch. I’m hoping for the same thing—that the Launch countdown to surgery will start again.

OK enough feeling sorry for myself. Tears are wiped off my cheeks. The sun is out and it is actually warm (well -5C (23F) is warm for Ottawa in February). I think I will go shopping! Have a fabulous day because I have decided, I will too.

*******Just got this link from Jess and had to share: http://jackfit.blogspot.com/2010/02/mad-so-mad.html because it says it all! Thanks Jack (and Jess too) for saying the truth.

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