Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Voices from the Closet

I started hearing voices last evening. I was watching the show Intervention about an alcoholic woman who wouldn’t stop drinking even when she was so close to death. At the end her family convinced her to accept the Intervention and enter treatment for her alcoholism. Then the voices started…

Voice from the closet (muffled): I’m still here in the front closet where you put me a few weeks ago.
Me: WTF. Who is that?

Voice from the closet: It’s me, Cheddar Goldfish.
Me (firmly): You know I am still on fluids and can’t eat you.

Voice (quivering): But I am so lonely in here. And it is dark.
Me (no resistance): OK, I’ll just take a few of you out so you aren’t scared.

Voice: You know if you chew me one at a time and let me dissolve in your mouth and then have a big gulp of water—it really is a liquid by the time it hits your stomach.
Me (brainwashed): OK, sounds good, but after 10 of you, back in the bag.

Ten minutes later:
Voice from the closet (muffled): So how do you feel.
Me: I’m still hungry but that glass of water really washed you right through my band I think.

Voice (whiny): Can we come out and play again?
Me: No. This lady on TV is telling me that she is addicted to alcohol and just needs one more drink to feel better. I don’t want to think I am like her and don’t want to look like I am addicted to Goldfish.

Voice (soothingly): You can’t get addicted to food. You have to eat to survive.
Me: OK. I’ll just let 20 of you come out and play this time.

The rest is history, 20 more cracker Goldfish swam into my stomach, chewed, dissolved and washed down with water. MUST.TELL.SON.TO.HIDE.GOLDFISH. I slunk up to bed avoiding everyone. I was afraid I would be confronted by the group of people from Intervention and sent to treatment for addiction to food.

Today is a new day. Last day of liquids and sooooo looking forward to pureed foods. I already have a list of what I will eat tomorrow. Yummy mashed sweet potato and squash. Woo Hoo!

8 comments:

Jennifer said...

LOL!! I love this - I'm glad I'm not the only one having conversations with food. Ha ha!

NENE said...

LOL, I love this.. seems I'm not the only one beckoned to my food pantry by the desperate calls of food. Perhaps once the fish are gone.. maybe dont buy them again, everyone else will have to go without.. out of sight, out of mind :)
xx Nene

meandmygizmo said...

I hear those voices sometimes too.......hang in there! ;-)

Kristin said...

I totally had the 'if i chew it enough it'll be a liquid' mental conversation with myself. hang in there, you can do this. i agree with everyone else, just make sure you don't have the goldfish in the house. so much easier that way.

Carmen said...

lol resist the goldfish!!! (original are my fave, and now i'm craving them! lol)

Amanda said...

thanks for the laugh...hang in there! mine was mac and cheese tonight. I made if for the kids - which was a good excuse, and then I ate a small dessert size bowl of it. Of course in the past I would have finished off the pot. Now I am full and think hmmm I should have had some protien or veggies, but oh well that was my serving size for the night and I am full. so occ. you will have goldfish for dinner, but that is better than dinner and a whole bag of goldfish!

Girl Bandit said...

Wow...goldfish biscuits??? And they talk to you??? LOL. Seriously I remember doing something similar on mushies....we don't get cured instantly....but we get there. Enjoy mushies

Justine said...

Too funny! Bless your heart. I moved on to mushies from purees much sooner than I should have but convinced myself that surely if I chewed something that was already mushy long enough, it would turn into puree.

Let's all keep fighting the good fight - we can do it!

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