Thursday, December 29, 2011

Reflections on the Band

A few posts over the last month have me thinking about living with the band. I think the biggest revelation was that we no longer should be thinking about "restriction" but actually limiting how much we eat.

Now I will admit, Christmas hasn't been a stellar month for me. There have been cookies and squares and sweets. But I barely baked like in previous years. And whereas I would have demolished an entire box of Turtles on Christmas Eve, I barely had any chocolate that day. The Turtles were still around for hubby and son. Christmas was quiet and relaxing. I did get an iPad and can actually see the screen without my glasses. I realized I enjoyed the company of others even more than the food. I've made a lot of mental progress since getting the band and this is just one more revelation. Food will not make me happy. Or take away stress. Or be my friend.

I guess when I first got my band, I thought that the upper pouch would fill with food, I'd feel full and then it would gradually flow into my lower stomach. I'd lose weight. For the past 20 months, I've lived through a bunch of fills-unfills-defills-refills. I've come to realize that the pouch does not "store" any food. If you chew the dickens out of what goes in the mouth, it always flows into the lower stomach. Only if the band is too tight does food get stuck in the upper pouch. It wasn't designed to be a second stomach. It was designed to slow the flow of food into the stomach. That is why we chew our food to pulp. That is why it takes so long to eat and causes the brain to register that the stomach is full. And that is also why slider foods are not good for us.

I've been told that I need to monitor and tell my clinic how long 1 cup of food keeps me satisfied. So now I limit my meals to only 1 cup of food and time how long it takes me before I'm hungry. Right now, it is about 4 hours which means, I am probably at a good fill level (even though I am still 0.5 cc below my maximum fill level of 4.5 cc). But I can still eat at any time. I haven't yet reached that point again where I "forget to eat". It will come again.

So why have I been stuck at the same weight since September 2010. My weight fluctuates between 169-175. Yesterday, I was 172. Is this my set-point? For the past few months, I was beginning to accept that this will be my goal weight. Does my body want to stay here or can I actually reach my original goal weight of 154 lbs? Statistically I've lost ~70% of my excess weight which is supposed to be what we can expect from the band.

But wait. Others have lost 100% or more of their excess weight. Others have lost nothing. So in the whole scheme of things the average lies somewhere in between. I don't want the average. I want the most I can get from the band. For me.

I have better plans. So I reflect on the past year.

When I first planned my meals post band, I could eat very little. A few bites here, a few bites there. This led to high calorie creations. No longer was I worried about slathering a piece of toast with gobs of butter or eating a chocolate bar. I could only eat one or two bites anyway. And I don't enjoy plain meat, chicken or fish. So cream sauces (made with real cream, not skim milk) were created. And garlic mashed potatoes to go with them because I couldn't eat vegetables or salads. Cheddar cheese was my go to food, full of fat and calories.

Then my year of unfills and refills. I could eat again. No more PB'ing. No more stucks. No more heartburn. In fact I could easily eat more than 1 cup of food, but I kept to that measured amount. I would almost have a panic attack when someone served me with a big plate. My little salad plates were my friend, making sure I stuck to the 1 cup portion. I could eat whatever I wanted. But I had grown accustomed to making these calorie rich foods but instead of a bite or two, I was eating the whole enchilada!

I also have a tough time getting in my protein. When I do eat about 20 g of protein at each meal, I am "full" for 3-4 hours. I need to make sure there is a bit of fat too. Cutting back on carbs is my goal, although I'd never go low-carb. Never, ever ever. I'd be in the mental hospital with severe depression if you took away my serotonin maker.

I've also been told more than once to give up alcohol. And to really exercise hard.

Funny how all these "advice" givers "know" how I should lose weight. It's not in the knowing. It's in the doing.

So as we move into 2012, I have a lot to think about. I do want to move down on the scale. Since being banded, I've always created a bunch of little lunches stacked in the freezer. Not those unappealing Lean Cuisine frozen blobs (LapBand Gal compares them to dog dishes). Real food, that I've made from scratch. Because I am a fantastic cook. I have to readjust to lower the calorie count but they are quick and easyI grab one each day for work.
My handy label maker is my friend. Sorry for any spelling mistakes!

In reflecting on what has changed with the band, I realize now that I have cut out fast food almost entirely. I have the occasional happy meal at McD's but I've almost eliminated processed junk food and meals. I take my own coffee in a thermos because it taste better than what I can buy. I will sometimes get a protein shake at Starbucks but I can also make the exact tasting one at home. Another benefit is that I have saved tons of money by not buying lunches, coffee or breakfast at work anymore. Yeah me!

There will be no resolutions this years. I will continue to lose weight. I have my gallbladder surgery on January 24th and will work to get the last 15 lbs off. My daughter is getting married in October and I have a bit of a desire to look svelte. I've ordered 3 exercise DVD's (they were on sale) and hope they keep me motivated until the winter is over. From there I can go back to Nordic walking with my great collapsible poles I got for Christmas.

I've decided I need to continue to blog, if only to check in with ME every once in a while. I get inspiration from reading how all of you are doing. I've resurrected the Superstars Blog and will post a new inspiration at least once a month. I hope a few who have taken a break from posting will reconsider and come back on line.

2012 will be a great year. I have lots of plans.

Monday, December 12, 2011

New Date for Surgery

New surgery date for my cholecystectomy (getting the gallbladder out!): January 24th, 2012.

I didn't have to whine or anything. The hospital called back and my hubby told them December 23rd was not going to work. So finally the surgeon's office called and we decided on the end of January.

Why I didn't want two days before Christmas? Well first of all my band doc is off on vacation the following week and if I had a problem, I would have to drive 5 hours to Toronto. The other more important reason was if I somehow died, my family would always remember what a crappy Christmas they had this year. Soooo... no surgery until 2012.

I also want to state here, that our Stephanie is an evil person. She blogged about boots then these tempting Rollo-Pretzel-Pecan treats in a post. She sent me the recipe (ok, I was a bit evil by asking her for it) then changed a few things and made Caramilk-Square Pretzel-Pecan treats myself. The Caramilk bars were on sale for $1 (98 cents US). Hope they don't make you drool too much.

Me: 2     Hubby: 1

And Steph could never be evil. But these sure are good!

Friday, December 9, 2011

BodyFlow, Surgery Rant and a New Job

I might have mentioned that I was taking a Line Dancing Class which ended last week. The teacher was a bit of a turd. She wore a back brace and was a gazillion years old. But I went and learned that I'm not really a line dancer. One of my previous managers is a friend and she talks me into all these different things. Like Belly Dancing 2 years ago. Line Dancing this year. And then she said we should go to BodyFlow at the gym. Sort of a combo of yoga and tai chi.

OK. I went. I twisted and turned and sweated. I have no core. Yup. Me. I can't balance worth beans. And when she wanted me to bend my leg under me or do those funny leg positions and squats I wondered why oh, oh why was I doing this and not lying on the couch watching CSI.

But I'll go back. Because my core sucks. Every Thursday night at 8:30-9:30 pm. I'm usually in bed at that time watching CSI.

And as to my surgery date to have my gallbladder out. Well, they left a message today to tell me my surgery was booked for Friday, December 23rd. That basically means that some some other sod told them to F-off and turned down that day.

Having worked in the hospital at Christmas, no friggin way does someone have surgery the day before the almost 50% shutdown of a hospital for 2 weeks. If there are any complications I'm SOL for reaching anyone with any knowledge of fixing me up. The booking dept is closed until Monday morning but I left a message to say NO. They will need to reschedule me sometime in January like the surgeon said. It's all elective anyway. What if I were to die during surgery. What a nice Christmas present that would be for my family. 

You know what is really amazing. I have actually had 3 surgeries in the month of December. Because no one else wants to miss out on their turkey dinner. Not this time I say.

Just ranting here. 

And in other news, I start at a new location for work on Monday. I still work for the same employer but a different team. I've gone from a 10 minute drive last summer, to a 20 minute drive at my current location to a 40 minutes drive north of the city. Should be exciting because I have had nothing to do for the last three weeks, other than read books. At least it will be an experience. And I'll still have a job when all the others are downsized in a couple of years. 

I think ahead.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Going Nuts at Costco

I took a few hours of vacation this dreary Friday afternoon but first stopped at Costco for a few things, including nuts. I don't think I realized just how many nuts I had til I piled them on the table.
You might notice our nuts up here in Canada are bilingual!

There are Walnuts, Pecans, Cashews, Peanuts and Almonds. I think I'm a bit nuts. Not pictured is the humungous bag of Chocolate Chips. But I have this great Spiced Nuts recipe. If you come visit me I'll let you try them. Or you can also go nuts and make your own. Here is the recipe: Spiced Nuts

And why is it that one goes into Costco for only a few things and ends up with a bill for a few hundred dollars. Jeesh. My freezer is full. Of course with big bags of veges. And a couple of other good things.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I was called Svelte

I rarely get comments about my weightloss from those around me. I still think I am obese when I look in the mirror, that so-called dysmorphic syndrome. It's funny but when I was fat (fatter?) I thought I was thin and now that I am thinner I think I look fat.

To my point. One of the guys I work with looked at me on Monday and said I looked...

long pause...

Svelte.

NSV!! And today one of the ladies I work with asked if I had lost weight because my face looked thinner. Two compliments in one week.

I've been the same weight for the last 14 months.

I think it's the eyebrows. Barbara made me buy this cool Smashbox eyebrow powder in Chicago. It must make me look thinner.
Yup, it's the eyebrows. You should try it. I'm sure it can make anyone look Svelte.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Back Home

I made it home. Two weeks of travelling and eating and drinking and laughing and walking and all good stuff. I am now in love with Hungarian Goulash Soup. I can't tell you how many bowls I ate while away. It is awesome and I have the recipe and I made a big pot on Thursday. It is so good. Here's me enjoying a bowl in Budapest.
 But I also ate this:
And this:
And this:
And now I will confess.
I gained 1 pound.
Since my defill of 1.5cc on September 29th just before Chicago.
I am so freaking happy. I only gained 1 freaking pound.


I drove to the clinic on Friday and they only gave me back 0.5 cc. It's a start. No more excuses. I will use the band and have it filled to perfection and lose these last 20 pounds. 


And in other news, I met up with Gilly in Toronto over a couple of beers and ravioli. Well I ate that and she ate much less.
Isn't she adorable.


But OMG, I only gained 1 pound. So while I ate and drank lots I also walked a tremendous amount each day. I estimate about 8-10 km. Which makes me want to keep this exercise thing going. Who would have thunk, that exercise lets you eat more. Hmmmm...

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Signing off...

Did I make you look?


Nope, not signing off from Blogland. I'm leaving the country on Tuesday and won't be back until November 9th. Finally leaving for our trip to Europe. I'll be updating a Travel blog so if you'd like to see what we are up to during the next couple of weeks click this link: 
http://www.travelpod.co.uk/travel-blog/timsandy/1/tpod.html
Here's where we're going.


Enjoy the quiet. And if you happen to be in any of the towns or cities above, wave to us from the banks of the Danube as our boat floats by.


I am beyond excited!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Butterflies

Thankyou for all the best wishes for my anniversary post. But I need to address this one question asked by Lap Band Gal:
My question to you: are there still "butterflies" after 30 years of marriage? I ask this of the couples that are married for what I consider a lot of time. This single girl wants to know.
I expect a bunch of you to jump on board to answer this too. Please join me in this for "all the single girls" and all the others who just want to know.

The short answer is YES.
But it isn't like that first year where the heart is aflutter and the stomach does roll-overs when the phone rings or you are getting ready for the date. That is first love and I'm not sure if you can ever get that back with the same person.

And of course my googling gave me this:

The three stages of love are the same for everyone: lust or romantic feelings, physical attraction, and emotional attachment. The stages of love aren't necessarily separated by markers like anniversaries or events (such as getting married). Rather, the three stages of love blend together in one long stroke of love.

I couldn't have said it any better. I guess after 30 years our love is all blended into one. Just like I love my two children, it isn't something that disappears or fades. I married late at 28 and didn't think anyone would every want me. But someone did and I don't ever regret the day I said "I Do". Here is my take:


  • When my DH travels (he works in another city twice a week) he calls me on his way home. If he doesn't, I pick up the phone and invariably he is only minutes away. I get this little worry that he isn't ok. Maybe like a moth?
  • During the day, I can think about him and get those butterflies that we all talk about.
  • Trust is a huge thing for me. In fact his ring is engraved with 'Love and Trust Always'. I could never imagine either of us "cheating" on the other. BTW, he doesn't wear his ring because he almost lost his finger when it caught on a cleat while sailing years ago.
  • He's a great Dad to two great kids. He's a sucker for being manipulated by them, but deep down he knows it. He'd give them anything if he could. And although the tears don't always work from me, they sometimes do.
  • He danced to the song Hasta Mi Finale by Il Divo in the kitchen one day and we both cried.
  • He came from a family of 6 boys but always puts down the toilet seat (a little quirk of mine). My son does too!
  • We have had some seriously bad times but came through them together. Both of us have dealt with family issues, job losses, money woes. But we're mostly over that and can enjoy travelling and just doing things together. But money doesn't bring happiness, but it can keep things from being harder.
  • He has never been revolted by my fat. I was thin when I married, gained up and down for 28 years. Spotted me the money to pay for the band with narry a hesitation.
  • He's very physically fit for a 57 year old man. He runs and bikes and is a 4th degree black belt. but he wasn't always like that. He lost weight in the early 90's and has kept it off since.
  • He's bald and I love it. When the comb-over started about 10 years ago, I asked him who he was kidding. So he shaved it smooth and that's just the way I like it.
  • And yes, there are still butterflies. Like the Monarch butterfly, they sometimes go to Mexico for the winter but when they come back it is fun. And sometimes it is just the slug of a caterpillar that I see, but I know the butterfly will come again soon.
This was my favourite book to read to my kids!
And because my daughter and her friends read my blog I won't mention much about sex because as parents we only had sex twice, once for my daughter and the other time for my son. (Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge)

And to repeat from a previous post, I said this: I have been married for 30 years. You notice I didn’t say happily. Why? Because it is damn hard work being married. But looking back, I would do it all over again and most of the time we are happy. I can’t say that we are “soul mates” because I don’t really know what that means. But I wouldn’t want to be living with anyone else and I truly and deeply love him. There have been happy times, sad times, angry times, WTF times when those words “for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part” are so true. There is no marriage preparation course (and I took it against my will) that could ever prepare you for this thing called marriage.

Alright now, it's your turn. How would you answer Lap Band Gal's question.
Come on, I know you want to.

And Lastly, here is the song I walked down the aisle to and danced my first dance at my wedding:

The Rose by Bette Midler

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to blead

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking

that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying

that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter

far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

Monday, October 10, 2011

30th Anniversary

First off, I posted my pics from Chicago BOOBS 2.0. Click on the Chicago Photos tab above or this link to go to page.

Anniversary
Today is my 30th wedding anniversary. After a weekend of family gatherings for Thanksgiving, I am amazed at the congratulations for that many years. OK 30 years is a long time to be with the same person but is it truly an accomplishment?

I see it as just a part of life. Some of us make it in marriage or a relationship for a long time and some don't. There is no magic. I figure I still get something from this man I married 30 years ago and honestly it doesn't feel like that long ago. We've had our ups and downs and I think I mentioned that in a past post, but overall it is all good. Even when our kids hear us griping and snapping and arguing.

Marriage or common law or relationships are really what you make it. There is no course, book or advice which can define it.

It is what it is. Here's mine:
The smile says it all!
(He doesn't really glow. The light reflects off his baldness which I love)

DH even vacuums. I just have to get him to do it inside.

I'm not the only one who enjoys a sip of wine.

But I feel a thousand times better than in years past.

Thanksgiving in Canada
Just a final comment for those in the US who asked if our Thanksgiving is based on the Pilgrims. Not really. It originated with Frobisher. When he failed to find a north passage through North America to the the Pacific Ocean and held thanks in 1578 for surviving the perilous journey. Bet he froze is balls off up there in the north!

French settlers who came to Canada with Samuel de Champain (early 1600s) celebrated the harvest. Then during the American Revolution, many Americans moved north to Canada and brought their traditions, including their take on Thanksgiving. But we don't dress up like Pilgrims.

So I guess we are a combo of a lot of traditions. Originally it was celebrated in November but after the World Wars, it was moved to the second Monday of October to separate it from Remembrance Day (November 11th). Basically it is a celebration of the harvest with Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, family and a lot of drinking. I think many even watch football and stuff themselves silly. It's another day off work for which I give great thanks.

Now you know.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Unfills, Hangovers and Good Things

Not really what you think, but I have a hangover from the Chicago weekend. Not alcohol induced although there was that one night…

I mean Chicago 2.0 was as amazing as last year and yet completely different. I felt more of an observer this time just watching the girls. And the annoucement of over 4200 pounds lost. Ooh La La! That is over 2 tons of fat gone, gone, gone from 50 girls.

I didn't arrive until Friday afternoon and missed a lot of the frivolity which made up Thursday night, the dressing up, the dancing, the singing, the drinking. I truly missed meeting a bunch of the newbies although Donna and Nancy were right there when I arrived and we had some good face time. My roomie Robin arrived looking as thin as ever. I had so hoped her frilly grey sweater would somehow get lost in my suitcase, but alas it was not there when I came home.

I was sick most of Saturday and lay in bed until noon when I forced myself to elevate my body and just move. OK, I'll confess, too many mixed drinks on Friday when I arrived. This old body just can't handle her liquor anymore.

Drive to Chicago:
As many of you surprisingly know, I drove to Chicago partly to see the changing leaves (it rained both ways!) but also to stop at my clinic near Toronto for an Unfill/Defill. My drive back home was delayed 90 minutes by a horrendous accident on the highway leaving Chicago, then a stop in Kalamazoo to shop and lastly getting lost at night in Detroit trying to find the entrance to the bridge. Jill my GPS lady had it wrong then got it mostly right. All I could hear though is our Gilly shouting WTF, do you know they murder people in Detroit (no offense to anyone-I grew up in the 60's where they announced the nightly murder numbers). I did find the bridge, and crossed back home to Canada. My first stop was a Tim Horton's for coffee to keep me awake for the last 2 hours. I slept in the next day until 10:30. Unheard of for me.

Unfill on my way down: Yup, I'm back down to the 3.0 cc I had after surgery, from 4.5 cc. A whopping 1.5 cc came out which I estimate to have have cost me about $500 over the last 18 months. And no, it wasn't so I could eat the big hunks of meat in Chicago. It was to avoid the dreaded clamping shut when I fly to Europe in two weeks. But a funny thing happened. I lost my appetite. Weird how taking out fluid can cause that. But it makes me happy. I gained nussing in Chicago, although I was sick, sick, sick.

Good Things:
BOOBS: Every single woman who came for the weekend and all those who were in our hearts. There are too many to name and so many photos circulating. There were so many good ones of y'all but I picked this one partly because I looked good (and so does that other lady beside me).

I'll be posting many of the other photos on my Chicago page soon.

Planners: You are all so special to me. I wish you would create a Groupon coupon that I could use whenever I needed one of you. My girls: Draz (you made me cry), Jen (I loooove my blog makeover), Deborah (Toronto awaits), Stephanie Joy (orthotics in your future), Joey (I'm waiting for you to make me an iGrandma), Linda (I want your hair!).
I'll add Jen S. (who seriously can sort and fold so many clothes in the speed of light!)

Clam Chowder soup at Lux: I waited a year to have this soup (only served on Fridays) and it was oh so good. I think it set off my Gallbladder making me nauseated for most of Saturday. OK, as I said above, it might have been a combo with the booze.

Jennifer-Lopez Skinny Ponte Pants: OK I bought them (medium) at Kohl's cause they made my legs look really skinny. Not too sure what Ponte means but my guess is A$$. They suck you in and slim you down. 

Drinks: Long Island Iced Tea (and variations), Sangria, Margaritas, Wine, Rum punches, Purple Jesus punch: Don't mix. Eva. In fact everyone, just stop drinking period.

Hot stuffed jalepenos: Those hot little suckers can cause just as much pain coming out as they did going in.

Big hunks of meat at the Brazilian restaurant: The filet mignon and parmesan crusted chicken were Yum. The strangest part was using one of the big plates when I'm used to the little ones. Although I put a bit of everything from the salad bar on the plate I could only eat about half. And only a few bites of dessert.

Pajama Party and Underwear: If you saw the pic posted on Read's blog, I was given undies. Assorted undies and it made everyone laugh. Because last year Joey saw my old lady baggy bum undies and decided I needed some new ones. I will try to take a picture of them all. Thanks sweetie for thinking of my a$$. Personally I think it was just a distraction so no one would comment about the Ben and Jerry pints that were being inhaled.

Makeup and Jewellery: My new face exfoliator with real gold specks, the most perfect eyebrow makeup and eye liner (Barbara made me buy all this stuff so beware when shopping with her). And I have a new bead for my Pandora bracelet, one call the Magnificent Mile.

Gift Bag: Pirates Booty, Protein Bars, Pashmina and other goodies. Thank you so much. The Booty is gone and the protein bars came in handy on the long drive home.

Things I missed: Walking tour; Seeing more of the Chicago architecture because I was in bed til noon on Saturday and was made to shop, shop, shop. Forgetting to give Tina her Cadbury Fruit Bar from Canada to compare to the one brought from England by Justine. But it was really tasty! Not getting around to talk to everyone.

Even Better Good Things
  • I didn't gain any weight. In fact I am a titch down. WTH?
  • Finding out that something I said in an e-mail about that someone being a good mom really meant the world to her. I am still a little stunned and teary eyed that a few words can mean so much to someone.

One year from today my daughter is getting married. I have 15 pounds to lose and that is so doable. If not, Barbara tells me (and shows me in the photo) that spanx can help the body look pretty darn good.

And last but not least, it is Thanksgiving here in Canada. My family will be here for dinner on Saturday, although my sister is bringing the turkey, stuffing, gravy and cranberries. I'm doing all the veges and dessert. Then Sunday, it is off to my BIL for another stuffing of turkey. Monday is my 30th wedding aniversary. Hmmm, turkey?

The weather is going to be sunny and hot. Weird. Where is fall?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Working the Band

Nora posted today about The Purpose of the Band and I realized I haven't thought much about what the band does for me for many many months. Maybe that's a good thing but maybe it's time to see how things have changed for me since being banded in February 2010. 

So how do I "work my band". I think it is the habits that are ingrained after 18 months.

Right now I can eat anything and everything but I still stick to the 1 cup of food at any one time. That doesn't mean that I don't eat another cup of food 2 hours later if the hungries hit. And sometimes I have gone back for seconds since I am such a good cook but that is maybe once a month! 

I don't drink with meals. I will drink a full glass of water just before I eat. I try not to eat between meals and try to stick to 3 meals a day plus one snack. I chew the bejeesus out of every scap of food that goes into my mouth. It still amazes me how fast most people eat, as I merrily chew, chew, chew. I stick to solids as much as possible, even in the morning when I can eat eggs and toast without problems. I had some pretty impressive stuck episodes the first 6 months and what they think was esophageal spasms where I could only eat two bites of food before giving up. That seems to all be resolved, as I said, I can't think of any food I can't have. I even had corn on the cob this summer. I was out to dinner with our Barbara in Montreal on Monday night (I had the bestest time) and only finished half the salmon on the plate. Consciously thinking about portions is the way to go. My DH happily finishes what I don't eat most of the time.

What I still need to work on is getting enough protein. I've been drinking a strawberry protein smoothie a few times a week with 30 g of protein. (I recreated the St@rbucks recipe). I've always been a carb addict and I know if I could reduce those, I'd maybe see some further weight loss. The other issue I see is that I still enjoy wine and beer (and LIIT in Chi-town!). I'm not an alcoholic, nor do I drink to excess, but a glass or two every week is part of life. I'm not sure I want to make that change just yet. And I have been really really bad about any type of exercise. Don't chastise me. All these things will come.

I have been a bit surprised how little fluid I have in my band. Right now, I have 4.6 cc in my 10 cc Lapband. I started with 3 cc at surgery and have not had the best time with getting that sweet spot. But I've had it. That lovely spot where you don't even think about eating. Many unfills, refills and tiny little fills of 0.1 cc. I have fluctuated at the same weight (170-174) for the last year. But I did lose and keep off 40 pounds and hope that I will drop another 10-15 pounds in the next year.

But I am in a holding pattern right now. You see I am flying to Europe at the end of October and I have problems with my band when I fly. I will warn you that I am in the absolute minority with this. There are so many others who fly without having problems but all the times I have flown this last year (3 times), my band has clamped shut. The clinic thinks there might be an air bubble and for some reason it moves and presses the band shut. I don't know. So to avoid being in a strange country and not being able to swallow my spit, I am getting a defill next week on my way down to Chicago. They told me they wouldn't take out all the fluid but will probably take me back down to 3 cc. I'll have three weeks once back from Chicago to see if it is enough.

I don't think I will gain any weight back. In my past trips I am so active I usually don't see any weight gain. And it isn't like I'm doing this to eat outrageously at the buffet on the boat. I plan to walk all over the towns and cities we are stopping at and bring with me all the tricks that have become second nature like eating small quantities and waiting and carrying good protein snacks in case lunch or dinner is delayed. I know if I get too hungry, I feel like crap and then eat a lot of junk.

Did anyone notice that I said I was getting the defill/unfill on my way down to Chicago? I could have easily booked the appointment on my way home on Monday. I ordered the full meal for the Saturday dinner. Big hunks of meat. Protein, that's what it is. Protein. And I do remember the Huev0s R@ncher0s at the little restaurant beside the hotel!

I think I will just have to book a fill appointment when I get home on November 10th. Til then I still work my band. I paid too much to let it all go to waste.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Emotional Energy

My fill doc here in town sends out a newsletter every week and this one hit a cord. He quoted from a book which explained some energy zappers that take away our happiness:

The energy vampires: If someone you know is contributing nothing but negativity, try to interact with them as little as possible and instead surround yourself with more positive people.

Ha Ha! I just switched jobs and know the negative atmosphere had sapped almost all the energy from my life. I used food and drink to deal with it (unsuccessfully). I have also stopped seeing or talking to some toxic people in my life. They aren't that important if they make me feel like crap. I now try to surround myself with those who bring something positive to my life. BOOBS beware. Hugs are coming your way.

The green-eyed monster: Envy eats away at emotional energy. Focus on what you love about your own life rather than comparing yourself unfavourably with others.

I still have the "I wish...". "If only...", "Why not me..." I need to learn to live in the moment and know that I have the life I make for myself. I can never live someone else's dream.

The perpetual to-do list: If you’ve had an item on your agenda for more than a few months, that’s extra weight you’re carrying around. Make time to do it, or let go.

Umm. That would be exercise. Just gotta do it!

The endless worry cycle: Obsessing about problems is like trying to win a race running on a treadmill – you use up all your energy going nowhere. The antidote to worry is action. Every time you worry, do something, anything. Just making a plan to overcome a problem often helps.

I have to FORCE myself to stop thinking about something, especially in the middle of the night. Or I have told myself, I get 5 minutes to "worry" and then I have to move on to something else. It's really working. I used to obsess in my last job on how to fix things which were unfixable. When I get really bad, I know it is time to go back on the anti-depressants.

(from a book called "The Emotional Energy Factor" by Mira Kirshenbaum.)


Here is what she says about Emotional Energy: It's an aliveness of the mind, a happiness of the heart, and a spirit filled with hope. Emotional energy has a specific feel. It's a sense of being up, happy, forward looking, resilient, feeling young, feeling open, feeling your juices flow, being in touch with the loving, creative, generous, hopeful parts of yourself. People who have emotional energy give to the people they love, rise to difficult occasions, and are able to make decisions to change the parts of their life that aren't working for them. Emotional energy means you can ride out any storm and your core of grace, happiness, and strength won't be touched.

You see that girl in the rollercoaster cart at the top of my blog? I want to look just like her and have high Emotional Energy!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

BOOBs 2011 Fun Facts!

1. How did you pick your blog name? A friend had a blog called My Rollercoaster Life and I thought how much it referred to my dieting and weight loss tries over the years. My first post said the following:

How does one get off the weight loss rollercoaster after 45 years of dieting? Most of my life has been spent either dieting, thinking about dieting, refusing to go on another diet or just plain giving up. I am tired of the twists and turns ... So it's time to get off the ride for good.
 2. When did you start blogging? December 30, 2009.

3. Theme of blog (weight loss, family, circus clowns, sci-fi, erotica, fly fishing, doll collecting, star wars, etc) Weight loss and all the other stuff that sort of pops up in my life.

4. Did you go to BOOBs 2010? YES, I sucked up all my courage and decided to meet with a huge group of complete strangers and hoped they weren't axe murderers! And none of them are (although I have my doubts about this one particular one...).

5. When were you banded? February 10, 2010

6. How much have you lost? 40 pounds, from 210 to 170. I have high hopes for another 20 though.

7. What are you most looking forward to at BOOBs? Just reliving the amazing atmosphere that surrounded us last year.

8. What/who do you hope to find/see/accomplish at BOOBs 2011? Drink Long Island Iced Teas? Sing karaoke? I want to see everyone and hope they want to see me.

9. Children? Pets? My daughter is 28 and my son is 26. Pets? No but does my DH count?

10. Who is your roomie? I'm shacking up with Robin again this year.

11. What day do you arrive? Friday afternoon.

12. What airport/flight/time?
Hard one. You see I'm driving. I need a defill and will stop at my clinic on the way down, visit with an old aunt (yup, she's 86) near where I grew up and then it's about a 4 hour drive to Chicago. But I have my GPS lady to keep me company.

13. What events are you signed up for? I didn't sign up for anything except the big ass full dinner with hunks of meat on skewers or swords. See #12 about the defill.

But I'm hoping to be able to go to the Sears Tower or the Friday afternoon walking tour (but only if I can get a ticket when I arrive and there is room on the tour). Just playing it by ear.

14. Hobbies? Digital Scrapbooking. Travel all over the world. God, I need a life.

15. Career? I've done lots of stuff. I started as a teacher and hated it. Became a Registered Nurse and saved people. Stayed home with my kiddies and was bored out of my mind. Retrained in computers and now I help develop applications for the government. Pays great. Only a few years left before I can retire, but I need a hobby first.

16. Single? Married? In a relationship? Married for 30 years this October. Which is one reason I am getting the defill. We are going to Europe for our anniversary at the end of October and flying makes my band shut tight and I want to be able to eat!

17. Your birthday month? March: Pisces

18. What do you want other BOOBs to know about you? I cry at almost anything. Some might think I'm just an old lady (ok, I'm 57) but I don't feel "old". I had the greatest time meeting complete strangers last year and have since internet-adopted multiple BOOBS. I call myself an internet-Mom (or iMom) with a whole bunch of iKids. I even have many many iSisters. And when one of them is hurting, I hurt too. So come cry with me, but only happy tears. Oh, and we can sing karaoke if you like.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

My Buddy, the Band

I really am still alive and kicking but thanks for wondering how I'm doing. Gilly and Deb can attest that I am still dedicated to this band thingy and blogging.

I had hoped to have a fill last week, but alas there were no cancellations. I'm doing much better and those crappy few pounds disappeared which takes me back down to the low 170's, a place I have been for almost a year. If I didn't get the band, I know I would have gained all my weight back by now. And I wonder, like a few others if this is my final weight, my setpoint. Right now, I'm just content to just accept it for now and not worry.

Chicago is only a few weeks away so I decided not to get another fill before then. As I mentioned before, I will be going to Europe at the end of October, only 3 weeks after BOOBS so want a small defill at the end of September.

Crazy, maybe but flying affects the fluid in my band so bad that I don't want to risk not enjoying my trip with being stuck for three weeks. Anyway, the nurses at the clinic suggested I have a defill but not a complete unfill. I think I'll go back down to 3 cc (from 4.6) which is what I had at surgery. I plan to have the defill on my way down to Chicago.

So you know what that means? I ordered the big ass Full Meal with the big hunks of meat for the BOOBs dinner. Hopefully those pieces will be served by some hunks. I know, I'm old but I can still see (with my contacts in, that is).

My eating is under control and I have certainly slowed down my eating over the past few weeks. My last fill was the middle of July. Since then I have switched jobs to one that is much nicer, although a bit boring. I now write policy, processes and guidelines. I joke that the "b!tch is b@ck" because I get to tell all these people what they are supposed to do. No one listens anyway, but at least the contemptuous environment from the other job is slowly leaving my body. I have no pain from my gallbladder but will still have elective surgery to have it out. I think that too was causing stress on my body.

Dinnerland mentioned that in her post today. Never underestimate the power of stress on our weight loss attempts.

We really are a work in progress.

Monday, August 22, 2011

My Weekend

This is what I did this past weekend. I don't want to repeat, so...

Click here for mini boobs post by Deb

and here for mini boobs post by Gilly.

And cross my heart: I DID NOT drink the magical beers.

My glasses of beer were twice as big followed by a couple of Spicy Caesar's. They count as vegetables. I swear. Actually, beer is made from hops so I guess I had lots of veges.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Struggles are Part of Life

It seems a few of us are struggling with trying to get back on track with our weight loss. I'm here to say, I'm hitting the wall too. I'm up another few pounds, now sitting at 176 pounds. I seemed to have been stuck in the low 170's for so long that it came as a shock that the number had gone up.

And last night when I realized that I had started to gain, I freaked out and wondered if I was a complete failure with the band.

I have my excuses. Too much stress at work. Too much wine. Too many sweets. Too little exercise. Too little desire to actually lose more weight. My cholesterol drugs, my gallbladder attack, my uncomfortable old bed. 

But today was a good day. A positive day. Stephanie posted an amazing quote and one particular line said: "It's not how many times you get knocked down; it's how many times you get back up.” 

So I dusted off my backside and got back up. I called for another fill, although typing this right now, I am a bit stuck which hasn't happened for months. Probably because I am making myself eat more solid protein. I'm on a cancellation list for either Friday or Monday because I am heading down to Toronto to meet up with Gilly and Deborah (all the way from Chicago). Secretly I am hoping I don't get an appointment til Monday as we are going to an amazing restaurant with lots of food and I'll be able to easily overeat.

I know I am not at my sweet spot. Since my unfill in early March, I have been gradually getting tiny fills of only 0.1 cc. I am petrified of being overfilled. I think I now have 4.6 cc in my 10 cc band. I can eat almost anything but keep to the 1 cup serving. But I am so hungry only a couple of hours later and end up eating 4-5 times a day. Those calories add up and the pounds start to creep back.

The slowness is getting to me. But I need to be patient (my word for the year!). I have been the same weight for 12 months. I'll get that sweet spot back and then the pounds will start to drop again. I've had the spot where I don't even think about food, forget to eat and actually have no desire to eat. It is very hard to convince ourselves that the band is our tool but use it we must.

There have been many Superstars of the Band (SOB) who have reached their goal which gives us the inspiration that we too can do it.  We need to resurrect that blog again (Gen if you read this, I'll kindly take it over for you). I also saw the lovely lady who inspired me to get the band. She is 3 years post-band, down over a hundred pounds, slim, trim and gorgeous (love you S!). She did it and I know we all can.

Come along with me so we can all call ourselves S.O.B.'s. And never give up, just keep on trying.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

New Haircut

I had my haircut earlier today which helped put me into a positive frame of mind.
Please forgive the grainy quality of the photo as my daughter borrowed my camera a month ago and has not yet returned it (did you hear that H?). I had to use the little video camera on my computer. I've decided I am just not a long hair type of gal. And also, I think I look pretty damn good at 57 years old!

In other news, my new bed is pretty sweet. I sleep like a baby.

I had a tiny fill last Monday (0.1 cc) and it doesn't seem to be helping at all. But I will keep to the small fills for now til I get the elusive sweet spot.

My gallbladder has settled down. No pain anymore. I have an appointment with the surgeon the week after Chicago so will probably decide to have it out in December or January. If it acts up again and I can't handle the pain, I will just go to the hospital and they will have to take it out. For now it's elective surgery and I'm not in any big rush to go under the knife again. I just hope it doesn't cause any problems on my trip to Europe. But I think all will be good.

And did I mention that Deborah from Provoking Practicality is coming to Toronto next week and Gilly and I are meeting up with her and we are going to have so much fun. Just wanted to build the excitement of a Pre-BOOBs meetup. I think there might be a couple of doggie bags from the restaurant we are going to. I'm told there are belly dancers but it wasn't clear if Gilly was one of them!

Pictures to follow.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I Laughed til I Cried

And it felt oh so good. I can't remember the last time that happened but it was so refreshing to realize that I am coming out of the funk I have sunk into over the past year because of a bad job situation.

But that is over, as I've started back at my old job and am seeing the sun come out.

All because of a good laugh. One of those belly laughs with tears streaming down my cheeks. I snorted. If I'd been drinking coffee, it would have blown out my nose. Or I would have pee'd my pants.

Here is what brought me back to a normal life. A life that needs fun and laughter in it. A post from someone who had a smashing weekend, who with her BFF decided she needed more than a foot massage and it involved a little Chinese lady straddling her bum and showing complete shock that she was wearing “NUSSING? NUSSING at all? Why you no has nussing?”

Click here if you missed it.

You guessed. It was Draz with her BFF Jen. And BTW, Jen, I too would have asked the same thing for the rest of the day. You rock.

But so does Draz. She my iChild. They both are.

Go laugh til you cry. It is the bestest feeling eva!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I'm a Statistic

The results are in. I have gall*stones and because I still have a bit of an ache on the upper right side, I'm being referred to a surgeon for elective surgery. I am hoping and praying it can be done soon, so I'm well on the mend for BOOBS at the end of September.

But I'm doing well. The pain started to really go away on the weekend. I was able to go into work on Tuesday (Monday was a holiday) and so far so good. I'm back at the place I worked last year and everyone seems so happy to see me back. Still haven't really figured out what I will be doing but I know it involves lots of policy, process and procedure writing. How fun. Gradually some of the stress from the last few months has been oozing out of my body and my brain is very happy about that.

It's now a fact. I am a statistic. Gallbladder problems happen a lot after weight loss but here are a few more statistics (not to scare you!). The medical term is C.h.o.l.e.c.y.s.t.i.t.i.s and having the gall bladder out is a c.h.o.l.e.c.y.s.t.e.c.t.o.m.y. (just trying to avoid the google searches). Click here to read the full article.

Rapid weight loss or cycling (dieting and then putting weight back on) further increases cholesterol production in the liver, with resulting supersaturation and risk for gallstones. A 2000 study suggested the following rates for gallstones related to extreme and rapid weight loss:
  • The risk for gallstones is as high as 12% after 8 -16 weeks of restricted-calorie diets.
  • The risk is more than 30% within 12 -18 months after gastric bypass surgery.
About one-third of gallstone cases in these situations are symptomatic. The risk for gallstones is highest in the following dieters:
  • Those who lose more than 24% of their body weight.
  • Those who lose more than 1.5 kg (3.3. lb.) a week.
  • Those on very low-fat, low-calorie diets.
Weight cycling also puts people at risk for gallstones. For example, a 16-year study found that the risk for gallstone surgery was 68% higher for women who lost and then regained more than 20 pounds at least once, as compared with women whose weight remained stable.

As you know I haven't lost a whole lot of weight, nor was I a fast loser. But I did go on a pretty low-calorie diet. And I am now 18 months after surgery. And my weight has cycled up and down for most of the last 40 years.

I'm now a statistic. But I hope none of you ever become one.

I am so excited. I get my new bed on Saturday. Peacefull, comfy sleep. Can't wait.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

My King Size Bed

I'm still on vacation/sick time. Still have some pain in the side but it's manageable. I have an ultrasound on Friday morning so hope to have some results early next week. This is a long weekend here in Ontario and the weather is great. Hot, but not muggy like last week.

My hubby works from home and since I have the week off, he was going to take some time off. Not! He worked in Montreal on Monday, Toronto on Tuesday. Was on the phone all day Wednesday and it started out the same this morning til I said Enough!

We need to go shopping for a new bed. So he pencilled me in for a hour trip to the store. Our old King size bed has two divets where each of us sleep and this big hump in between us. It felt like two twins pushed together. Neither of us wanted to make the trip up and over the hump. It was beginning to feel like the Rihanna song called California King Size Bed (click to read lyrics).

The salesman, Gord was a sweety. First of all I had to tell him to stop calling me ma'am. I hate ma'am. It makes me feel soooo old.

He hands us both a pillow and off we go trying out beds. I actually just wanted to have a little nap but he kept us hopping from one bed to another until we found our perfect sleeper.

Of course it's a King Size (regular one, not the California King Size like in the song). It is a pillow top, medium firmness and NO hump between us. He threw in a couple of really nice pillows. I should sleep like a baby especially when we will now be able to snuggle much more without the hump.

We get it next week. I can't wait for a really good night's sleep.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. I am now on vacation and I thought I'd let you know how it's going.

Last Thursday, July 21st: I walked out on my manager and did not go back to work on Friday. I go back to my previous job on August 2nd. My exit wasn't quite as gracious as I had hoped but I knew if I didn't leave when I did, I would regret the words that would shortly be exiting my mouth. Nuf said. Put the crap behind and move on.

Friday, July 22nd: Cried a lot. A friend told me that it takes at least 20 positive comments to overturn just 1 negative comment. That night I was at my sister's place for a fantastic BBQ. Drank much wine, laughed and had fun. Dinner finished with a lovely White Chocolate Crème Brulée.

Monday I started painting my master bathroom. A lovely green called Home Song. Began to notice a pulled muscle but worked through the pain. After the second coat of paint the pain started getting worse. So more Tylenol and I took a break. Now I wasn't feeling so great.

Today. I didn't sleep well last night as it felt like someone had punched me under my right rib. It finally dawned on me that it might be my gallbladder. Since my doc is on vacation I headed to the clinic across the street from me and after a short wait, he ordered an Ultrasound and gave me some little pills to stop the spasms. The ultrasound is Friday morning so I'm hoping it will tell me why I feel like crap.

So much for my vacation. Guess I'll go back to work and change my time off to sick time and save my few days of vacation for another time. Now I'm wondering if I will need to have my gallbladder out and if so just when I can have it done. I need to plan it around a trip to Toronto, BOOBS and my trip to Europe at the end of October. And don't forget I am starting back at my old job and would like to get things worked out there as well.

I know that many who have lost weight end up having their gallbladder removed. Funny but I didn't lose a whole lot of weight and I also didn't lose it that fast. I am the same weight as I was last year at this time. It can also be triggered by eating fat. And I have been eating a lot of fat lately, including two Crème Brulée's.

Guess it's age. Things are just wearing out.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Enjoy the Life you Have

Yesterday, Kristin wrote a comment on Barbara's blog which really touched my heart.

"Enjoy the life you have, even though it may not be the life you planned."

As I sit here pissed at the world because of a horrible situation at work, I realize we are in charge of how we deal with the good things and the bad.

Today I choose to cherish the good things about the life I have and block the bad things that are happening.

Last night was a pig-fest. I decided not to crack open a bottle of wine but I did revert to another form of crack for me. My friend, food. Yup, anything and everything went through the band last night. I did a lot of chewing too. I've done this before, using food to drown out the crap and I know it will happen again. I will move on like always, realize the behaviour and know that this isn't the life I planned but the life I have.

I have three more days of dealing with a very toxic work environment. Then I'm on to a new position, new manager, new team. One piece of advice I have embraced was that people don't leave their jobs, but rather leave their bosses. And right now that is the truth.

This wasn't planned, but it is a new door opening. New opportunities.

I have incredible support from a few close friends who are there to listen to my rants. They have been my life-support and hope they know how precious they are to me.

For today, I will enjoy the life I have.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Gumdrop Confessions

Confession. I just got home from Walmart with my new purple towels. Standing in line I picked up a container of Gumdrops.

I paid for my towels and then the guy behind me says, "aren't these your candies". Oh right, I'll pay cash and out I went.

I drove home chewing away, probably 20 of them. Stuck in a traffic jam I decided to read the Nutrition label (yeah like these are nutritious):
Calories per 4 pieces: 140
Fat: 0 g (Great, fat free)
Protein: 0 g
Sugars: 27 g

Ingredients: sugar, corn syrup, modified corn starch, artificial flavours...

Yuck. On a sugar high right now. All because that guy noticed the container hadn't gone through with my order. Yikes, 700 calories of sugar.

But I now have pretty purple towels and bathmats.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Fill Day and The Zone

I had a 0.1 cc fill today which brings me to my highest fluid level in my band. A whopping 4.5 cc in my 10 cc band. I had a de-fill (the nurse told me it isn't called a un-fill) in early March (-0.5 cc) and have gone for 3 fills since then to return that amount. For the last 4 months I have only been stuck twice. And that was because I forgot I had the band and swallowed a big piece of meat. It's nice that thoughts of the band are not as pervasive as way back in February 2010 when I had the surgery. But you just know the pain that will be coming when you inadvertantly swallow a big chunk. Otherwise, all food goes down easy and I mean everything. I'm now just like Gilly who has never ever PB'd. There are those magical people in the world.

I first want to thank Lapband Girl who posted this list of questions last week. It made a big impact on me and made me sure of going for a fill. By seeing this chart I knew I actually was between the Yellow and Green zone. Funny but the nurse at the clinic wasn't very thrilled about this and actually criticized it for mentioning a large plate. Oy! We just can't win.

My hope is that this fill level takes my hunger away. I've been there and want it back. That magical feeling of not thinking about food or really wanting to eat. It's an amazing feeling and I am so close. And maybe it'll just be the thing that gets me losing weight again.

(Go see the full article and other charts on Lapband Gal's blog)
Click to make larger

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Life is Like a GPS

I bought a GPS for my trip to Pennsylvania last May. It got me there and back with a bunch of “recalculating” from Jill, the lady behind the screen. I had my paper map lying beside me and I kept looking at that to guide me. But in the end, I needed her to get me to a specific house (you know the one Barbara lives in) as I didn’t have a map of her town.

Seriously, I didn’t want to go where she kept telling me to go many times, but that is more or less how my life has always been. 

You see, I’m a resister and I try so very, very hard to do things my way. Sometimes my way has been good and sometimes not so good. Like the intersection in Bartonsville, Pennsylvania where I looped around 3 times to get from one highway to another because I thought I knew better than the lady in the GPS. That time she was right. 

On the way back, I did the same. I detoured off the main highway just to break up the monotony. When I changed the GPS to avoid toll roads, my trip somehow went from a 7 hour drive to 12 hours. Since the bridge between Canada and the US is a toll, the GPS calculated a trip which took me up into Quebec and then home. I think not. Sometimes we have to intervene to figure out where we are going. 

I used the GPS last week to get to a training course in downtown Ottawa. Of course, I didn’t like her directions and since I knew the general area that I was going, I finally switched her off. I will admit Jill is very patient, never raising her voice, just recalculating all the time. 

So my new GPS has not been used much. I think sometimes I just like getting lost and finding my own way home. But other times, it comes in handy to get us to a final destination without a lot of hassle.

My band is like that. I have been at the same weight for almost a year now, hovering between 168-172 and keep wondering if this is it. But I have this tiny little voice inside of me which keeps saying “You can still do this. You can still lose weight”. And guess what, the voice sounds just like the GPS lady but I still hesitate to believe it can be true. I’m in that Bartonsville, PA loop trying to find the turnoff for the right highway.

As the countdown begins to Chicago I do have a goal in sight. I have a second goal at the end of October when my hubby and I leave for Europe. We start in Prague, take a riverboat cruise down the Danube and end in Budapest. I have all my travel books. Spent lots of time researching on the internet to "learn" about the places we will visit. Lots of walking involved which means getting much more serious about my exercise for the next few months and also the commitment to get back on the band wagon and lose another 10 pounds.

I want to let go, and let the voice keep me going in the right direction. A lot of thinking has been floating around in my head these last few months. Give up and just accept that my weight will always be around 170 pounds. Or keep the faith and never give up.

Forrest Gump got through life with a box of chocolates. I guess times have changed and now we need the direction, like a GPS to help us get to our destination.

I think I'll try to listen to that voice again and believe it will take me to the right place. It's a new month, new goals. I've recalculated.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Barbara is Doing Well!

Just wanted to pass on the information that Barbara got through her surgery on July 1st and sent me a quick note this morning to say she is
"Drugged up but doing well. "
Thank God for drugs!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Figured it Out

I finally figured out why I have been a bit sad these last few weeks. It came on slowly and then boom, it hit me. I miss food and the comfort it used to give me.

But why now? I think it's because summer came along and it's BBQ time!

A few weeks ago, I made ribs. Slow cooked them in a lovely rub and then dowsed them with BBQ sause. Yum!

Took my first bite and swallowed, completely forgetting I had a band. Which led to an hour of painful stuckiness and then finishing off the three small ribs on my plate. They didn't really taste that great.

And then there was the lovely Indian dinner with Butter Chicken and Naan. Two bites and I was done in. I again forgot I had a band and just swallowed that big bite. It was another hour of agony before it moved through.

I was determined to remember I had a band. So each meal starts out with concentrating on the food in front of me and chewing til it's pulp. It is soooo boring. I am also entranced watching other people eat. Those big bites and wolfing down an entire plate of food in minutes. Did I ever eat like that. I am guessing that yes I did.

And it's a little sad. I dream about biting into a great big hamburger with lots of toppings. Nope, not gonna happen. I do wonder if I should just take the big bite, chew and then spit it out. Maybe have a spitoon beside me.

I walk by the corn on the cob at the grocery store remembering how good it tastes but also remembering how stuck it made me last year. And don't forget the steak and salads and pizza and burgers and hotdogs and hamburgers and potato salad and ...

So yes. I am sad.

But oh so happy I have not regained my weight. I will mourn the loss of food and then get on with life. Because food isn't all that important anymore. 

I am.
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