Thursday, October 13, 2011


Thankyou for all the best wishes for my anniversary post. But I need to address this one question asked by Lap Band Gal:
My question to you: are there still "butterflies" after 30 years of marriage? I ask this of the couples that are married for what I consider a lot of time. This single girl wants to know.
I expect a bunch of you to jump on board to answer this too. Please join me in this for "all the single girls" and all the others who just want to know.

The short answer is YES.
But it isn't like that first year where the heart is aflutter and the stomach does roll-overs when the phone rings or you are getting ready for the date. That is first love and I'm not sure if you can ever get that back with the same person.

And of course my googling gave me this:

The three stages of love are the same for everyone: lust or romantic feelings, physical attraction, and emotional attachment. The stages of love aren't necessarily separated by markers like anniversaries or events (such as getting married). Rather, the three stages of love blend together in one long stroke of love.

I couldn't have said it any better. I guess after 30 years our love is all blended into one. Just like I love my two children, it isn't something that disappears or fades. I married late at 28 and didn't think anyone would every want me. But someone did and I don't ever regret the day I said "I Do". Here is my take:

  • When my DH travels (he works in another city twice a week) he calls me on his way home. If he doesn't, I pick up the phone and invariably he is only minutes away. I get this little worry that he isn't ok. Maybe like a moth?
  • During the day, I can think about him and get those butterflies that we all talk about.
  • Trust is a huge thing for me. In fact his ring is engraved with 'Love and Trust Always'. I could never imagine either of us "cheating" on the other. BTW, he doesn't wear his ring because he almost lost his finger when it caught on a cleat while sailing years ago.
  • He's a great Dad to two great kids. He's a sucker for being manipulated by them, but deep down he knows it. He'd give them anything if he could. And although the tears don't always work from me, they sometimes do.
  • He danced to the song Hasta Mi Finale by Il Divo in the kitchen one day and we both cried.
  • He came from a family of 6 boys but always puts down the toilet seat (a little quirk of mine). My son does too!
  • We have had some seriously bad times but came through them together. Both of us have dealt with family issues, job losses, money woes. But we're mostly over that and can enjoy travelling and just doing things together. But money doesn't bring happiness, but it can keep things from being harder.
  • He has never been revolted by my fat. I was thin when I married, gained up and down for 28 years. Spotted me the money to pay for the band with narry a hesitation.
  • He's very physically fit for a 57 year old man. He runs and bikes and is a 4th degree black belt. but he wasn't always like that. He lost weight in the early 90's and has kept it off since.
  • He's bald and I love it. When the comb-over started about 10 years ago, I asked him who he was kidding. So he shaved it smooth and that's just the way I like it.
  • And yes, there are still butterflies. Like the Monarch butterfly, they sometimes go to Mexico for the winter but when they come back it is fun. And sometimes it is just the slug of a caterpillar that I see, but I know the butterfly will come again soon.
This was my favourite book to read to my kids!
And because my daughter and her friends read my blog I won't mention much about sex because as parents we only had sex twice, once for my daughter and the other time for my son. (Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge)

And to repeat from a previous post, I said this: I have been married for 30 years. You notice I didn’t say happily. Why? Because it is damn hard work being married. But looking back, I would do it all over again and most of the time we are happy. I can’t say that we are “soul mates” because I don’t really know what that means. But I wouldn’t want to be living with anyone else and I truly and deeply love him. There have been happy times, sad times, angry times, WTF times when those words “for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part” are so true. There is no marriage preparation course (and I took it against my will) that could ever prepare you for this thing called marriage.

Alright now, it's your turn. How would you answer Lap Band Gal's question.
Come on, I know you want to.

And Lastly, here is the song I walked down the aisle to and danced my first dance at my wedding:

The Rose by Bette Midler

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to blead

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking

that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying

that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter

far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose


The Ninja said...

I was never really a butterfly girl to begin with. He is the romantic one in our relationship. 10 years together and our love is comfortable, intentional, wonderful and such a blessing.

Lap Band Gal said...

Thanks for answering my question :)

Stephanie said...

This is exactly what I needed to hear, iMom. I want to be able to write similar thoughts in 2o years...I'm so glad you are happy!

Amanda said...

Okay, feeling a little sentimental today but I just got little tears!

I am with Steph! Exactly what I hope for!

I am honest when I say there is not a tiny little thought that either of us would cheat. I know not everything will be happy all the time but I sure am glad I have someone with me like my husband to share in the bad!

Ronnie said...

Aww, this is a great post! Thanks for sharing.

Darlin1 said...

Oh have such a way with words.

I too have been with my husband for almost 30 years. And I love being married to him...Sometimes I have wondered WTF am I doing here...but really not too many.

We like each other (mostly) which is a pretty cool thing... after all these years. It's great watching our children creating their own lives with what they have chosen to take from us.

I feel like my husband has my back and I his...

But... it's also really important to.. Never lose yourself!...

Except of course in pounds!

Darlin1 said...

Dang! I don't think I answered the question....Yes, there are still butterflies!

Barbara said...

Ok, the resident widow will weigh in now... I was married almost 32 years.. and I can tell you that our love was truly unconditional. There wasn't a day that I wasnt excited to come see my husband. He travelled alot so when we did meet up it was like butterflies. I was the more emotional volatile one.. Mark was always calm composed and positive...Losing Mark was the heartbreak of my life.. but also comforting to know that we had so many good wonderful loving years together. hugs

Dawnya said...

I love this post. I don't think I ever got butterflies. I don't think we had that smoking hot, fire starting love. Our love is like a slow just keeps going. No fireworks...but a really good time.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I love you Sandy! This is beautiful and made me cry! Happy Anniversary late, btw. I can tell you that when I fell in love with my husband, it was like my first love, so intense...though we've only been married 5 years, I still get butterflies, but our love is so much more than that, it's a wonderful thing. I was with me ex husband for 23 years, I stopped getting butterflies early on...and started getting bats or heart burn maybe, LOL! When you have a mutually respectful love, it's a real blessing!

It's me, Cheri! said...

New follower here! I was so moved by your Butterflies post that I HAD to follow you! Hubby and I have been married 32 years and it has been a wild roller coaster ride! I love him dearly and deeply but there are times that I don't like him! He became disabled two years ago and every aspect of our married life flipped flopped. I love him more today and am committed. He is and always has been my 'Mighty Oak and Stud Muffin'. Congrats and Happy Anniversary!

Dinnerland said...

SO sweet!! I love and adore my husband in many of the similar ways you describe-- but I've only known him 10 years now..
However: I don't know how I would like without him.

Dinnerland said...

I meant "LIVE" without him!!

Beth said...

Hey Sandy this is a wonderful post. Thanks for being part of my support system!

Dinnerland said...

Thanks for the encouragement on my blog-- I have some likely news that will be coming out soon, nothing to say yet, but you know what it is about if you know me at all.

Brenda said...

So sweet! I married my high school sweetheart and while there isn't the crazy teenage lust anymore, I can say it is more of the emotional tie. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't call him to tell him about something that is going on. He is the first person I want to break good or bad news too! I hope we are as happy as you are in 30 years.

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