Thursday, May 27, 2010

Relationship Changes

Kristin brought up an interesting subject today. Here is the first line of her post: “I've read a few blogs lately where relationships are shifting as a result of this huge weight loss we're all experiencing.”

What surprised me was that she mentioned that there is a higher rate of divorce amongst those having WLS. Really? This started me thinking that maybe I should be concerned. Which led me to think maybe I don’t need to be concerned at all. I won’t get into a lot of intimate details about my marriage because my daughter reads my blog and I wouldn’t want her to think that her parents were sexual beings you know, so we will leave that subject completely out of this post. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

A bit of background: I have been married for 29 years this October. You notice I didn’t say happily. Why? Because it is damn hard work being married. But looking back, I would do it all over again and most of the time we are happy. I can’t say that we are “soul mates” because I don’t really know what that means. But I wouldn’t want to be living with anyone else and I truly and deeply love him. There have been happy times, sad times, angry times, WTF times when those words “for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part” are so true. There is no marriage preparation course (and I took it against my will) that could ever prepare you for this thing called marriage.

I met my DH after moving to Ottawa to work as a nurse. I left the city where I trained because of a bad breakup with a guy. This guy cheated on me with someone we both worked with and I was devastated. Everyone else had known for months except me. I have never felt so humiliated in my life. I had to work with his new girlfriend and it made my stomach curl when I found out. It was the first time I had ever lost weight because of a guy. When it was announced that he would marry the b!tch, I took a chance and called up a guy I had met at my sister’s wedding. Our first date was watching the Federal Budget—so romantic (NOT!). We married one year later on a beautiful fall day in October, almost 29 years ago. Had I really found someone who I could trust not to hurt me? I couldn’t believe that he picked little old me. Was he some sort of freak that I hadn’t discovered yet. I found it so hard to believe I deserved him but I gave him my heart and my trust. I don’t ever want to deal with the hurt and pain of losing trust. I don’t want to be embarrassed or humiliated. I don’t want anyone to laugh at me again. I don’t want to feel like a loser. My hubby’s ring is engraved inside with “Love and Trust Always”. Guess what. My weight was pretty good around the time I was married and stayed that way until kids. Kids! Wow, what a shock to the body that is—we could eat as much as we wanted because we were feeding this new little life. Problem is my youngest is almost 25 and I’m still eating the same way. My weight has been up and down 50-60 pounds since we were married—sometimes down, sometimes up. Now kids change a marriage, let me tell you. And still we stayed married.
DH catching me when I tripped over a rock—October 10, 1981

The 90’s were tumultuous times. My hubby was laid off and began his own business which took a few years to establish. I was a stay-at-home mom who could only get part time work. We were broke and were just able to hang onto our house. I had already sunk into a depression and needed medication to “deal” with life. There were a few issues with my family and my in-laws. My DH is the oldest of 6 boys and he was the go-to guy when things went wrong in his family. His father developed Alzheimer’s and we deal with the fact that he also may eventually get it too. I decided just recently that I would stick around if that ever happened. Which means living life for today because we don’t know what will happen next year. That is why we are doing things, like travel while we can.

Almost 20 years ago, my DH lost about 40 pounds and started exercising. He is a 4th degree black belt in Karate. He runs, bikes and lifts weights. He works to keep thin. He is completely bald now and shaves the littles hairs that pop up. I think bald men are very sexy and I envy his ability to keep off the weight. When we travel together he carries our day bag and doesn’t get winded or tired from all the walking and sightseeing. When we were in St. Paul’s Cathedral in London, England last October, he climbed to the top of the dome (530 steps). I stayed on the main floor because I was too tired. He took pictures of the city and I looked at them on the camera. It just sucks that I have let myself get to where I couldn’t do the things I want to. That will change when I reach my goal.

My DH is my biggest pain in the butt but also my cherished possession. When I fall, he is there. When my daughter almost died at 9 months, he was there to insist another paediatrician be called in the middle of the night as I sobbed uncontrollably. When my flight was cancelled on a trip, he was there to deal with the agent to get me booked on a new flight. When my dad died he was in Sri Lanka and was able to make it to the funeral after a 36 hour return trip. When I yell and scream nasties at him, he yells and screams nasties right back but it is all forgotten soon after. Others think our marriage will never survive, but it does. Somehow that love and trust just builds each day. My size is not an issue with DH. When I went for the lapband consult, I sent him a text asking if he would spot me $15,000. His reply: Any amount. He wanted me to do this for me, not him. He is worried about my health, which is why I have to lose weight. My BP is elevated, and my blood results are mostly all bad—liver, sugar, cholesterol...

So in reply to Kristin’s post, who by the way wins the Shirley Temple Lollipop Award, I don’t see losing this weight as changing much in our relationship, except I will be able to do things easier. We built a solid marriage from the beginning and patched the cracks as we went along. And there will always be cracks. Is it because I don’t have huge amounts of weight to lose? I don’t think so because I still have the same insecurities carrying around an extra 75 pounds as someone with an extra 175 pounds. Some days it will suck. Some days it will be good. And in Kristin’s words “Pretty sure the Hubs is hoping it means he scores more often.” (Sorry braveheart!)

25 comments:

tessierose said...

What a great post Sandy, thank you for that! I laughed and cried.

Darlin1 said...

Man---You have a way with words. What a beautiful and real LOVE STORY!

Thanks for sharing!

Kristin said...

Sandy, it's great to hear such a candid overview of a long, healthy and challenging marriage. Nine years in, I still feel like I'm figuring it out day to day. But mutual respect, love and common goals seem to carry us through our challenges.

Kristin said...

PS You were a *beautiful* bride!

Barbara said...

Ah Sandy.. yours is truly a love story (gone right) I think your Roller Coaster title of your blog is the perfect description of marriange And yes that Kristin got us old married farts thinking.. Just celebrated no. 31 two days ago.. I too was a skinny bride and am trying to lose the baby weight from 28 years ago (ha ha)

Drazil said...

Awww - loved this post and loved that picture. You're so dang sweet...I think you fart gumdrops too don't you?

Carmen said...

same comment as darlin.... yours is a beautiful and REAL love story...real being the most important part :-)

and sorry draz..i think that sandy fart skittles :-)

Bonnie said...

I do think it is easier for us who have been thin before to feel more secure about what will happen this time.

Heather said...

What a great post! I truly think that marriage is too easy to get out of now-a-days. My husband and I got married in 1994 divorced in 2003 and remarried in 2007. Looking back we were just pissed off. Divorce was complete in one month. We probabally could have worked it out. We have this thing figured out now!

Nella said...

I love your wedding pic! Another great post by the infamous SANDY! Keep on rockin baby!

THE DASH! said...

Oh jeez, for a second there, I thought I wasn't going to be able to comment. There was a gremlin in the comp.
What a beautiful, heartfelt post. I think all of us that have been married for so long get exactly what you're saying. Marriage IS hard work and we have to improve on it every day. Love your pretty wedding pic. :)

Lonicera said...

A lovely post, really enjoyed reading it. You've really been through the mill. Your pre marriage experience is sort of matched by my own with my (long since ex) husband. I didn't work with her but she was - I thought - a very good friend. As you say, the humilliation and feelings of being a loser are so powerful that it leaves you completely crushed - and then you have to cope with the fact that people don't want to take sides, so don't allow you to speak of your pain, and sometimes own up to the fact later on that they didn't invite you round very often because (a) you were no longer a couple and the numbers would be uneven and (b) you were a bit of a loose canon and they weren't sure you wouldn't go after their husbands in revenge... I didn't leave Bristol, but I never saw most of them again, so the loneliness was the same. And there was always food to turn to... I still don't understand how people can hurt each other so badly. Ugh - so glad that's all behind me now.
Your wedding picture is so sweet... Thanks for telling.
Caroline

Sparkler said...

That was wonderful to read. No wonder your marriage has survived all the rocky patches with the two of you being so supportive of each other, respecting each other most of the time, and having the good sense to forgive and forget all the fights and frictions and not fester over things.

Just clear the air and move on I say! Nursing hurts is fatal to relationships. Keep up all the good work and you'll grow old disgracefully together! xx

carla said...

What a beautiful post!!! The wedding pic is gorgeous. Thanks for sharing :-)

Gen said...

Beautiful post! And I relate to so much...though our marriage is just 15 years old this year.

Since I was "thin" when I met and married DH, my losing weight will not change a thing, I am pretty sure. Except I am happier, which means WE are happier.

Love your love story. Lucky DH you have!!!!

Janice said...

It was a lovely post and picture! Got to love the 80's. :) We just celebrated 21 years yesterday. I related to so many of your comments. I have occasionally asked DH if it was our wedding day and he could have a 15 min video in his mind of what our future would hold, would he still do it? We both say yes, even though the road hasn't always gone the way we thought it would. The most important thing is that we traveled it together. I wouldn't change a thing. Thanks for sharing. :) Happy weekend!

DB said...

Sandy - this was an awesome post and came at the perfect time for me. Thank you!

amandakiska said...

Awesome! I have tears in my eyes.

ChristineKingery said...

I love your wedding dress! It's so "Princess Diana!" :-)

Girl Bandit said...

Great post...very heartfelt and it sounds like you 2 are rock solid...I can't imagine why others think you may not survive...who cares what they think!!! Thanks for sharing

Jacquie said...

Great post Sandy. Sounds like you have a GREAT marriage to me!

Cindylew said...

Awesome love story...I'm only 2 years into the marriage and I hope I have such a successful relationship as you somewhere down the road.

Band-Babe said...

This is fabulous. Your type of marriage is my goal. So real. I think weight loss will only "enhance" your marriage... ;)

Fiona said...

How nice to hear an honest account of how a successful marriage has worked. It's not all rainbows and lollipops but hard work and commitment. I have been married twice and now its third time lucky (long story) but 12 years in its looking bloody fantastic. Thanks for a lovely post you are a lovely lady xxxxxx

Jess said...

"He took pictures of the city and I looked at them on the camera."

How about setting a goal gift of a new camera for yourself. For instances like the story you told AND because you're going to love the way you look in them again!!!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...