Sunday, April 25, 2010

Lightbulb Time.

I had a bit of an awakening this week when Amy asked What do you hide behind? I thought that was easy. I stay fat because… And then I stopped because I couldn’t answer the question. I didn’t know why. So I asked Drazil to add the question to her BYOC. I hoped some of you would come up with my answer. Sort of like writing an essay—gather all the research, quotes, passages and then somehow massage them together in my own words. Please forgive any plagiarism from other posts or comments. But I did finally come up with an answer.

And here it is. I use my fat to protect me and cushion my hurt. And what is it that is really hiding inside of me. I am a kind person and want to be needed, perhaps so I am liked. Since I couldn’t find my own words, I am using this comment from someone which perfectly describes me “Helping others has always been my shield. I guess if I prove to them I’m needed, they won’t notice I’m fat”. I am also torn and become angry when someone else gets the praise and acknowledgement for something I have done (mostly at work). But I figure, I’m fat so I don’t deserve the recognition. I laugh it off and say it doesn’t matter. I now think it does.

I liked Roo’s take on revealing ourselves—pealing the onion. It is always sad when I read how some of you survived physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I applaud your courage to move forward and enjoy this life since it is the only life we have. I’m just discovering that I can’t let the past pull me down for the future. My childhood was fairly uneventful, no abuse, no hidden secrets. In my family I was the funny one. I had lots of friends and would talk to almost anyone with ease. But I was fat. As an adult, I took on the role of fix-it girl, the superwoman who would put all things right with my family and my life. Hey, I was going to cure MS! I thought I was needed. I wanted everyone to be happy and it so royally backfired on me that I was on anti-depressants for 15 years. I stopped trying to fix things. My family kept stuff from me and left me out of decisions. I felt pretty worthless, unneeded and very unhappy. I ate. And ate. And ate. It numbed the pain and hurt. All I wanted was to help and all I got was crap.

I left this comment on Roo’s blog: “I dread losing my sense of humour and not being fun anymore. Maybe that is something we fight too—being fun and happy go lucky is something that the people we meet are afraid of and they send out negative vibes that make us think something is wrong with us. When in actuality, there is nothing wrong with acting crazy sometimes and it is their insecurities that try to bring us down. We'll show them that we can be a great group of people whether we are skinny or not.”

I am working on keeping my sense of humour and trying not to let people close to me bring me down. I have mentioned to a few people that I seldom see the toxic people in my life. I put them in an imaginary box and put it on a shelf. I’m a work-in-progress but as the weight comes off, I gain my confidence back. This quote from Lynda matches me to a tee:
“If you met me in real life, you'd meet someone with a lot of confidence. You'd meet someone who doesn't take any B.S. You'd meet someone who is not afraid to tell the truth, even if it's unpopular (or gets her in trouble at work). You'd meet someone who is tough and can take anything. But, I'm also very sensitive. I CARE what people think of me. I want people to like me and will cry if I think I've hurt someone's feelings. I'm not at all confident. And, I still worry about things that I said to people 15+ years ago. I pretend to be tough, but I'm not”.

I realize now that by blogging, I am discovering a me that would have taken many months or years of counselling. I once went to a psychiatrist and talked about all these “perceived problems” in my life and his response was that I had a severe form of PMS and he could cure me with a few vitamins. The PMS got better but mentally it didn’t help. I figured he was a professional and maybe I really didn’t have any deep underlying problems. He also put me on an anti-depressant and within 3 months I had gained back the 30 pounds I had spent years trying to lose! I see now that there were things I had to face. Blogging and your support has been much more effective and quicker and it has saved me a bundle. But please don’t send me any invoices for services rendered—I’m not paying. Maybe a drink when I get to Chicago.

There is a lot of excitement about the Chicago weekend. I can’t wait to meet everyone but there’s that little nagging fear in me that others too have mentioned. I worry that I will arrive at the hotel and be all alone because no one told me the trip was off. I worry that no one will like me. I worry that my roommate will take one look at me and ask for a private room. I worry that if there is a game I will be picked last. I worry that you will think I am old and doddery .

If that were to happen, I will smile, put on a brave face and say, “that’s ok”, because that is what I always say when people are mean to me. And then I will go and eat. And eat. And eat. But I know all of you are different because some of you feel the same as me. I know there will be lots of friends to meet in person, no one will be left out, my roommate will love me, no one will be picked last and just to confirm I am not doddery. We will all enjoy each other just as we do in our blogs. And there will be no un-Following a blog.

But if we have a game where teams have to be picked, I volunteer to be the last pick, because that is where I have always been and I don’t mind anymore.

15 comments:

Kristin said...

Lots of what you wrote felt very familiar, Sandy. I had and have some of those same concerns about the Chicago weekend. But you know what? We are all kindred spirits in one way or another, and we *understand* each others' journeys in a way that our friends, family and spouses never really can unless they have walked the same path. I can't wait to meet you. We'll have a great time.

Nella said...

Blogging has helped more than therapy!
Reveal your new hotness and let it roll baby!

Barbara said...

Sandy, I always go to your blog first.. cause I think you are an incredibly kind and thoughtful person.. and I know we are going to hit it off in Chicago.. I have a few people on my list of must get some face time with, and you are definitely one of them.. I think everything that you have written about is NORMAL.. we all have our own little insecurities (we wouldn't be normal) there are no super perfect humans.. only on tv and in the movies.. so relax and know that you are surrounded by a group of people who feel what you feel and are going through the same band journey and WE ALL have the same goal..

Hugs to you

Bonnie said...

OMG Barbara - just when I was starting to feel better about the trip...you're making "face time" lists? Nobody is going to want face time with me. I'm a newbie. I'll only have been banded for two months. I won't have anything exciting to offer anybody. I think we all need to contact the BOOBS committee and petition for no team choosing games of any sort.

Robin said...

Of course your roommate will love you; she already does!!! (And those single rooms are way overrated.)

THE DASH! said...

You wont lose your sense of humor along with your fat, Sandy, instead you will grow more confident and more beautiful. It's a done deal!!

Gen said...

I agree with Barbara, you always strike me as a caring and very thoughtful person and I can't wait to meet you! Thanks for your insightful post!

Lonicera said...

Echo Barbara. Wish I was going to Chicago. Wish I could answer the question in your post. (In person with any of the bloggers I follow, yes, on the blog, no.) Thanks for your honesty Sandy - the main thing that is coming out of all the replies is that we're basically all the same, and we have the same insecurities. Which is wonderfully reassuring.
Caroline

tessierose said...

We are all kindred spirits here, exposing old wounds is hard work, but we are doing it and in such good company. I can't wait to meet you and share wine and stories. You always manage to make me cry a little with your posts. And you even put a link to doddery for us (you really are helpful!) You are a very special person, I glad that I'll get to meet you in September.

tessierose said...

oops, I mean I'm glad!

Darlin1 said...

I too feel like somehow I don't belong to this group---or I'll get left out--just different! But then again I know that I am wrong and the challenge to bond with fellow LB's is a healthy thing.
You really have a way with words!

Lynda said...

Wow!--I was both quoted and referenced! :) I would like to be the first to officially sign up for face time with you in Chicago.

Jess said...

Good, honest answer. Congrats on discovering the truth for yourself! It truly is like peeling an onion. Just another layer...

Amy W. said...

Well hell, no one is going to NOT like you and kick you out of their room...and if they do, you can come sleep with me, Sherry, and Alexis. I like to sleep naked though, and spoon.

I think most of us all have that fear about when we meet in real life! Even I do! It will be fabulous though, and after 15 minutes we will feel like we are all long lost sisters!

Great post though. Seriously.

Girl Bandit said...

Oh Sandy...this brings a tear to my eye...I need to find out what I hide behind and ignored this week's BYOC because of that. You are not doddery, I already love you and can't wwait to meet you. Everytime I think I shouldn't go or the costs add up...I think of you and Roo and how I can't let you down. I think in your own way you had some tough times...depression is awful and you even say that you stopped helping people etc. There is plenty to draw strength from and work through to make this journey the last weight one we ever go one. Love you

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...