Most Inspiring Post this Week

I'm at it again with announcing the Lollipop award for this week goes to Lonicera for her post on getting inspiration from other bloggers. There were so many passages that rang true and I felt the same way. This blogging community, whether newbies, in-betweeners, S.O.B.'s and caring people, is a support system which has been my lifeline when those close to me just don't get it. Sometimes we have to remember that a post or comment can make a difference in someone's thinking and help them along on our collective journey. 

This week has been an eclectic mix of comments and posts. Some were downright funny and had me LMAO which is sometimes hard when I work in a cubicle farm and I don't wear waterproof mascara. I poured my heart out in a post from a question that Amy asked and then Drazil repeated for BYOC. Tina and Jen posted about the time spent blogging and if it had value. I am missing a few bloggers that have not been able to join in this week because of vacations, work, life in general and hope we will see them again soon. Gen had a wonderful idea to profile an S.O.B. (Superstar of the Band) and Judi was her first victim contributor. Judi showed us all that it can be done and I can't wait for other "veterans" to give us their story. It helped make me see that we can all lose the "Monkey on our Back" (aka fat) and in the process learn a lot more about ourselves and others.

Which leads me to my final comment for today and one which brought a tiny aaawww to my heart—the finger monkey that Jess posted. She said that there wasn't much to post about so put this little picture up. Funny how I was still thinking about it on my way to work. And maybe that is how our "Monkey on the Back" will end up—as a small little finger monkey. I want one so bad.

Got Lucky This Morning

No not that. As I was leaving for work this morning, my DH jumps out of bed and tells me he has something for me. Out of his suitcase he pulls two Coach purses. OMG. I have wanted one for so long. Now I'm cool. Like all the young kids. My usual purse buying experience has been the Walmart boutique so this is big for me.

What is even more surprising is that he actually remembered something I wanted and so much better than some of the strange gifts he has brought home before. After all these years he finally came through. Now I have to decide if I want to let my daughter have one!

The Boys are Back in Town

They're back! DH arrived from Manila via Tokyo and Vancouver. DS arrived from South Africa via Zurich. Don't you love it when everyone is home safe and sound.

I've been humming The Boys are Back in Town all day. It was one of my favourite songs way back in '76.  Skinny jeans and big hair (on the band, not me). Those were the days! Before hubby. Before kids. I was 22. Sigh.

But my boys are back...

Lightbulb Time.

I had a bit of an awakening this week when Amy asked What do you hide behind? I thought that was easy. I stay fat because… And then I stopped because I couldn’t answer the question. I didn’t know why. So I asked Drazil to add the question to her BYOC. I hoped some of you would come up with my answer. Sort of like writing an essay—gather all the research, quotes, passages and then somehow massage them together in my own words. Please forgive any plagiarism from other posts or comments. But I did finally come up with an answer.

And here it is. I use my fat to protect me and cushion my hurt. And what is it that is really hiding inside of me. I am a kind person and want to be needed, perhaps so I am liked. Since I couldn’t find my own words, I am using this comment from someone which perfectly describes me “Helping others has always been my shield. I guess if I prove to them I’m needed, they won’t notice I’m fat”. I am also torn and become angry when someone else gets the praise and acknowledgement for something I have done (mostly at work). But I figure, I’m fat so I don’t deserve the recognition. I laugh it off and say it doesn’t matter. I now think it does.

I liked Roo’s take on revealing ourselves—pealing the onion. It is always sad when I read how some of you survived physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I applaud your courage to move forward and enjoy this life since it is the only life we have. I’m just discovering that I can’t let the past pull me down for the future. My childhood was fairly uneventful, no abuse, no hidden secrets. In my family I was the funny one. I had lots of friends and would talk to almost anyone with ease. But I was fat. As an adult, I took on the role of fix-it girl, the superwoman who would put all things right with my family and my life. Hey, I was going to cure MS! I thought I was needed. I wanted everyone to be happy and it so royally backfired on me that I was on anti-depressants for 15 years. I stopped trying to fix things. My family kept stuff from me and left me out of decisions. I felt pretty worthless, unneeded and very unhappy. I ate. And ate. And ate. It numbed the pain and hurt. All I wanted was to help and all I got was crap.

I left this comment on Roo’s blog: “I dread losing my sense of humour and not being fun anymore. Maybe that is something we fight too—being fun and happy go lucky is something that the people we meet are afraid of and they send out negative vibes that make us think something is wrong with us. When in actuality, there is nothing wrong with acting crazy sometimes and it is their insecurities that try to bring us down. We'll show them that we can be a great group of people whether we are skinny or not.”

I am working on keeping my sense of humour and trying not to let people close to me bring me down. I have mentioned to a few people that I seldom see the toxic people in my life. I put them in an imaginary box and put it on a shelf. I’m a work-in-progress but as the weight comes off, I gain my confidence back. This quote from Lynda matches me to a tee:
“If you met me in real life, you'd meet someone with a lot of confidence. You'd meet someone who doesn't take any B.S. You'd meet someone who is not afraid to tell the truth, even if it's unpopular (or gets her in trouble at work). You'd meet someone who is tough and can take anything. But, I'm also very sensitive. I CARE what people think of me. I want people to like me and will cry if I think I've hurt someone's feelings. I'm not at all confident. And, I still worry about things that I said to people 15+ years ago. I pretend to be tough, but I'm not”.

I realize now that by blogging, I am discovering a me that would have taken many months or years of counselling. I once went to a psychiatrist and talked about all these “perceived problems” in my life and his response was that I had a severe form of PMS and he could cure me with a few vitamins. The PMS got better but mentally it didn’t help. I figured he was a professional and maybe I really didn’t have any deep underlying problems. He also put me on an anti-depressant and within 3 months I had gained back the 30 pounds I had spent years trying to lose! I see now that there were things I had to face. Blogging and your support has been much more effective and quicker and it has saved me a bundle. But please don’t send me any invoices for services rendered—I’m not paying. Maybe a drink when I get to Chicago.

There is a lot of excitement about the Chicago weekend. I can’t wait to meet everyone but there’s that little nagging fear in me that others too have mentioned. I worry that I will arrive at the hotel and be all alone because no one told me the trip was off. I worry that no one will like me. I worry that my roommate will take one look at me and ask for a private room. I worry that if there is a game I will be picked last. I worry that you will think I am old and doddery .

If that were to happen, I will smile, put on a brave face and say, “that’s ok”, because that is what I always say when people are mean to me. And then I will go and eat. And eat. And eat. But I know all of you are different because some of you feel the same as me. I know there will be lots of friends to meet in person, no one will be left out, my roommate will love me, no one will be picked last and just to confirm I am not doddery. We will all enjoy each other just as we do in our blogs. And there will be no un-Following a blog.

But if we have a game where teams have to be picked, I volunteer to be the last pick, because that is where I have always been and I don’t mind anymore.

Just a Rant and This and That

I'm a little peeved right now. Just got back from my nephew's confirmation, where I might add, I ate reasonably well. NO ONE noticed I had lost 25 pounds. What gives about that. I also had this cute haircut, mineral makeup which took a few years off my face and NO ONE made one comment. This little get together was with my DH's family. He is one of 6 boys and when we get together there are lots of us. My DH is thin (and he works hard to keep it that way) but his brothers are heavy, two at least over 300 pounds. The last time I saw them was Christmas at my place, 25 pounds ago. Did I and do I still look so fat to them that they can't say I look good!

Just looking to rant a bit and it feels good to get it off my chest. I have noticed in some blogs the same rant. People don't notice. I know a few years ago, my sister told me that people don't like to comment because I always gain the weight back. And my daughter did tell me that I should get some better fitting clothes but is everyone an idiot. I'll show them. I'll be a skinny biatch and strut my stuff!

I am proud that I got out this morning cleaning up my front gardens for hours. Worked some muscles that have lay dormant over the winter. I love to garden and am finding it easier to do the heavier stuff like pulling weeds, cutting the lawn, transplanting bushes, washing windows (just for you Draz) and filling in the groundhog hole under our front porch for the thousandth time! I'm waiting for the gym membership to arrive in the mail but I can't use it til June 1st, since I missed the cut-off date for the corporate rate. I'll have to get back to my 4km walks now that the weather is nice.

And who knew. So many of you talk about Greek yogourt so I bought some last week for a recipe. There it sat, almost a full tub of the plain and since I'm not a big yogourt fan I thought lets make a dip. Threw in some vege seasoning, garlic powder, Mrs. Dash and then dipped a bunch of Potato Chips into it. Whoda thunk it would make the best chip dip in the world. I'm making another batch but this time I'll dip veges. Much healthier.

So here it is Another Saturday Night and I ain't got Nobody. Damn volcano keeping my man on the other side of the world. Working on a really good post to answer the question about what I hide behind. Still processing a light bulb moment. So many thoughts, so little time.

BYOC #5

Doing this just because I have a few minutes before I go and watch AVATAR!!!!
1. Name a career you would NOT want to do and tell why.

Accountant. My DH is a Chartered Accountant (I think it is called a CPA in the US). I haven’t done a tax return in 30 years (but he hasn’t cooked much either—evens out). Guess what, it is tax season when all those people you never, ever hear from, call and ask stupid tax questions. Come on—pay an accountant to do your tax return and don’t try to get free professional advice. OK, most of these people are family and a few do give him a wad of cash every once in a while (or a bottle of 18 year old Scotch) but why don’t you care about us during the rest of the year. The laugh's on you this year—he’s stuck in the Philippines so I hope you don’t owe any money. I already got my money back. Ha Ha Ha Ha! Plus accountants go bald and I want my hair.

2. What’s the best present you ever received for your birthday?
I got my tonsils out on my 8th birthday. I got a bunch of presents and lots of ice cream and time off school. Don’t remember any other gifts or birthdays.

3. What do you hide behind?

This will take a post in itself. Working on it, but can’t quite put it into words just yet. Wasn't really thinking about answering when I asked Draz to put in on the list. Do I get a passing grade on answering 4 out of 5 questions? I'll hand in the other homework in a few days.

4. Where were you born?

In a hospital. (Southern Ontario, Canada)

5. What blog spoke to you the most, stuck with you, had the most effect on you this week?

Got this one: see yesterday’s post. (Hint: Sherry & Amandakiska)

Extra: Since I still have a few minutes. My hair is falling out so I bought some Biotin. Everyone says it works so we'll see. My hairdresser (got a cute cut and style today) also mentioned Omega 3 and 6—the oil you find in fish and flax seeds (or supplements). My DH is still stuck in Manila and will try to get a flight back next Tuesday. My DS is attempting the flight back on Sunday to Frankfurt so hope the backlog is cleared so he gets back here. I miss them both. Adios, amigos. Off to watch AVATAR! Too bad I didn't have one of those big 3D screens.

Most Inspiring Post this Week

Well it was a toss up as to whose post really hit me in the gut this week. But by a slight advantage (she posted first) I have to go with Sherry from Two Sticks or a Lighter and her post about Taking a Stand. In her post she mentioned about going to a wedding and enjoying that moment when the doors open and the bride is standing there: "How many times will we have everyone in a room STAND to recognize and honor our presence? ... When we feel like a star."  She posted some awesome pictures from her honeymoon and I hope to do the same. My pictures need to be scanned first because most were pre-digital! I want to remember how it was to be a star.

But I will give honourable mention to Amanda and her Don't Worry-"every little thing is gonna be alright!". Having lived so long :-), I can honestly say that everything does work out, maybe not how we always want but we get through the bad times and enjoy the good times. They will happen. Some we can avoid, others we can't. But we can change how we react to them.

These posts (and lots of others) inspired me to write my post "It's a Journey...Not a Race". But I can only link one post to the Lollipop Award for most Inspiring post, so click on Shirley to the right and read Sherry's post. Please feel free to post your own inspirations (and use the Shirley picture if you like).