Losing My MoJo

I have been doing some heavy thinking these last few weeks and want to start this post about some of the drugs we use to control or cure problems in our bodies, like:

   Insulin for Diabetes
   Antibiotics for Infections
   Thyroid hormone for Hypothyroidism
   Anti-depressants for Depression

Why do I bring these up? Because tonight I start to take Wellbutrin again for depression.

Yup. Me. On Drugs. Again.

Please don't tell Tom Cruise! I’m not sure if I ever posted about my life with depression but here goes. In the early 90’s my life was ok but something was missing. One day as I drove along a highway there was a big curve ahead. I remember thinking, if I kept the wheel straight, I would plunge into the gully and die. I can see it now, such a clear picture in my head. At the last second, I turned the steering wheel. I can’t tell you why but something made me stay on the highway. When I got home that morning, I immediately called my doctor and by afternoon had started taking that lovely Prozac happy pill. A month later I had gained 10 pounds and then the next month another 10 pounds. But my brain was healing. It was winter here in Ottawa so we put it down to SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). By May I was feeling pretty good, although now 25 pounds heavier and I decided I could stop my happy pills.

When I stopped, I'd lose about 20 pounds and then by Hallowe’en I was the bitchiest witch you could ever imagine, so back on the pills. And another 25 pound gain. This went on for years until I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder), a severe form of Premenstrual syndrome. A bit funny now since I am in menopause and still have some of the symptoms. My main concern was the horrible yelling and screaming I would inflict on any and all who came near me, including my kids, my DH, my MIL, my friends… Everyone was an idiot. The doc told me to give up caffeine (which I did, but now drink coffee again), take huge doses of Vitamin B6 (which I still take) and prescribed another anti-depressant. My mood stabilized but the pounds piled on. Of course everyone told me that the drug didn’t make me gain weight, it was just that I had out of control eating. This entire on again off again with the anti-depressants went on for years until it was decided I should stay on them all year round. Which scared the crap out of me since all I could see was gaining 10-20 pounds each year. It was then that we discovered Wellbutrin which is a weight neutral drug for me. Some lose a bit of weight, others gain, but for me it at least kept my fat body at the same weight. The other good thing that happened was it controlled my OCD. My sisters have a hoarding/collecting problem but I am now the opposite and throw out tons of stuff. It was interesting to read a couple of weeks ago that de-cluttering can actually be good for weight loss.

I think I was on Wellbutrin for 10 years until September 2007 when my mom died. For many, losing a mother would be a tragedy but for me it was a relief. My mom had MS from her early forties and was wheelchair bound in a nursing home for 21 years before she died. I saw it as a blessing that my entire family could move on with life. Two weeks after her funeral, I needed a refill of Wellbutrin but decided to stop taking it. It’s been almost 3 years without drugs. Until a few months ago when I started to see the apathy again. I’m not sad or crying or thinking about dying. But I can’t get my ass off the couch and work is beginning to wear me down.

I seem to be losing my MoJo.

For the past few months, I have been losing weight with the band and was happy, but my motivation seemed to be draining out of me. I could feel the witchiness appearing again so in early July asked for a new prescription from my doctor. I told him that I wasn’t quite sure if I needed to start taking the anti-depressants again but would "know" if I needed them.

It is a bit funny, but this last week making the decision has been one of my strangest. I had just come off a lovely vacation with my BFF and probably with all the talking, it helped me cement my decision. What I wasn’t prepared for is the eating binge which happened. Here is one day with my band. Breakfast—WW Egg Quesadilla, 100g chocolate bar (about 3 oz) from IKEA (remember I work beside a big IKEA and their milk chocolate bars are only a dollar (or 97 cents US). Lunch was a KFC snacker, although I could only eat the chicken leg and half the fries. I took the chicken strip wrap home and ate it for supper. Then I whipped up a batch of Peanut Butter cookies and ate 10 of them (two were burnt so I threw them out). Before bed, I had a bowl of Goldfish crackers. And stuck and hurt! OMG. I felt like my mind was possessed. The next day I filled the prescription and will start taking them tonight (I can’t swallow pills in the morning so have decided to take it before bed). And don't hate me, but even with all this out of control eating I am down a bit this week to 174.6. The band is still doing its job.

So that is my story and confession. I know a bunch of you have or do take anti-depressants and I applaud you. Depression isn’t something to ignore. It is there and has to be dealt with. I am missing a chemical—my MoJo chemical—and I want it back.