The Weight Loss Rollercoaster

Two Years Ago...

2012-02-10T18:23:00.001-05:00

...I was just waking up from being banded.

And how my life has changed.

I feel so different, so much smaller.
I have energy and look forward to the rest of my life, however long it may be.
I believe that one can change.

Finally a weight loss method that actually works.

Onward to the next year and the year after and so on and so on and ...

Thanks for sticking with me and keeping me real. Because without all my BOOBs, I doubt I would have kept going.

Oh! The Places You'll Go

2012-02-03T11:19:00.000-05:00

I've been reading during my "recuperation" and it fills the hours. As I was surfing some blogs I found this link to a rendition of a Dr. Suess book. Sometimes we just have to go back to the beginning. Even if you don't get it, your kids will.

My favourite part is half-way through the story where it says:

...
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
...

So watch and enjoy.

Here is a link to the Oh! The Places You'll Go story.

Checking In

2012-01-29T08:52:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to do a quick update since my gallbladder surgery last Tuesday. All went well. Had the surgery at 8:00 am on Tuesday and woke up in Recovery at 9:10 am wide awake. A first for me. With no pain. I guess my doc gave me a shot of Dilaudid (or something similar) in the OR. Nice doc.

I was out of recovery and headed home after another dose of Tylenol #3 in my veins and basically watched TV for the rest of the day. DH brought me some soup but I was stunned how little pain after the laparoscopy. I have 4 holes in me in different spots than after the band but it was a much easier surgery. Wednesday, I took Tylenol #3 in the morning and again at night to sleep and that's basically it. I've had a few Ibuprofen since but am feeling quite good. I'm even back cooking.

I asked and received 4 weeks off to recuperate.

Am I a suck or what. I do have to attend a three day training course Monday to Wednesday so hope the sitting for long periods of time doesn't wear me down.

Honestly, I could have gone back to work. The wonders of Laparascopic surgery. I had 4 weeks off when I had my band but I think I needed that time to adjust to the eating.

One thing my clinic had suggested but I ignored was to have a defill before surgery. Since I had no problems eating with my current fill level, I chose to ignore it and was able to drink and eat ok. I was a bit worried that with all the poking, the band might get irritated but so far all is well.

I have a fill booked on February 7th so hope to get some hunger relief. Although lying around watching TV, surfing blogs and being cooped up in the house is getting a bit stale. I ventured out yesterday to the grocery store. We've been snowed/iced in for the last 4 days and the snow is coming again today. Not as much as in a normal winter and it will soon be spring!

My backyard

To the other ladies who went under the knife this past week too, take the pain meds, relax and get well soon. And hope you don't have too much snow!

I still have 3 weeks of sick leave left to fill. No sympathy needed for me!

Home from Surgery

2012-01-24T11:29:00.000-05:00

Just got back from the hospital. All went well. Feeling pretty good thanks to pain pills.

Easy peasy. One gallbladder gone! Hubby playing nursemaid. We'll see how long I can milk it!

Red Licorice

2012-01-18T18:00:00.002-05:00

At my new workplace they have a really nice lunch room with a vending machine full of chips, chocolate bars and these small packs of red licorice. It's a little downfall of mine.

If you look really close, it says "As Always, A Low Fat Candy"

Yesterday and today have been stellar eating days. I had reached epic sugar loads for the last couple of weeks and decided to smash that sugar monster from my body. But the brain doesn't listen very well. It keeps telling me to eat some sugar.

On both days I've convinced myself NOT to buy the red licorice. I was almost successful until my meeting ended early this afternoon. So my mind wandered. I deserved the red licorice. I needed the red licorice. Go buy the red licorice.

So I unlocked the drawer to get my purse, pulled out my wallet went to the vending machine. Half way across the lunch room, I saw the space where red licorice is supposed to be—EMPTY.

Oh the injustice!

Off course I had to walk right up to the machine to check if they moved it to another slot. Nope. All gone. A little sticky in the empty space said 'reglisse'. I work in a French office but I just knew that word meant licorice (it does). ***Le sigh***

OK, one of you was sending out vibes to make the red licorice disappear. It worked. I didn't need them but my brain is not so happy.

I'm trying to do my best in the eating department before my gallbladder surgery on January 24th. I figure I should try to shrink my liver a bit since he'll be probing underneath it. I already have a fill booked for February 7th. I'm waiting two weeks post-op (thanks Darlin'!) although the real reason is having to attend a 3-day S*A*PTEC training course a week after surgery.

I need this fill. I have 3 work days left before I'm off for four weeks. Keep sending those vibes to make the red licorice disappear from that vending machine.

New Superstar!

2012-01-18T06:16:00.000-05:00

Come one, come all and see the newest Superstar.

Click on the star or here to reveal who it is:

The Days of Our Lives

2012-01-12T16:55:00.000-05:00

I saw a comment on Lap Band Gal's blog from Judi, another long term bandster mentioning the relevance of continued blogging and keeping our blog, well, relevant and something others would want to read.

Now I will say, both these lovely girls are Band Superstars. And they are the reason we keep trucking through good and bad times. When I get to work each morning, the first thing I do is open my Google Reader to find out what is going on in all your lives. I can't actually go to your blogs because they are blocked so my commenting is sporadic.

But reading how everyone is doing gives me a lift. I don't need TV much anymore, as reading blogs is like having my own little Soap Opera every day like "The Days of Our Lives". Sometimes it is more like "The Young and the Restless", "Grey's Anatomy" or "The Simpson's". We have dramas and comedies and news. Some even have cliffhangers as we wait for a new post to find out the ending. Some bloggers are on hiatus but we hope for a comeback this season. Maybe like "Dallas", you can just forget an entire year.

I get a little something out of each of the blogs I follow, especially those that have been around for a looooong time. But it is also fun to see new faces with fresh ideas and questions. I see a few more followers and am trying to follow them. Please leave me a comment with a link to your blog if you'd like me to follow you too. I do edit out my list every once in awhile and drop those that haven't posted in a long time (so sad). But mostly I don't always want to hear about band stuff. I love hearing about life stuff.

It might be:

Hearing how someone's family is coping with a medical problem and how it is affecting them: (House).
Reading some delicious recipes (Guy's Big Bite).
Feeling bad when I read about slipped bands and unfills and hoping and praying all will correct itself (ER).
Learning how food affects different people, whether it is gluten, protein, sugar or fat (CSI).
Knowing that weight loss by whatever means is hard work and the brain is so involved (The Mentalist).
Watching the various exercise regimes people are following (The Biggest Loser).
Finding out about different parts of the world because that is where some of the people I follow live (National Geographic).
Having a good laugh because somedays I really need one (America's Funniest Home Videos).

I follow a couple of non-band blogs as well. My niece is in Scotland for a semester of school and she is blogging about a trip through France and then her school year. Another blog has wedding ideas.

But the ones that give me a boost are those that have lived this band life for years. I can list off all the current Band Superstars but also many more that have been around but have been a bit in the background. Please stay and keep giving out your advice and guidance. It is truly appreciated.

And on another note. Watch the Band Superstar Blog next week for a new episode, where another STAR will be revealed. The plot in this one makes a slight detour. But my lips are sealed. You will just have to wait.

We've also added a few new pages with links to some interesting posts. Check them out by clicking on the Pages listed on the right side of the Band Superstar blog. Please let us know if there is something you would like to add.

Until then, it's back to watching my favourite shows.

What Would You Do?

2012-01-09T18:19:00.000-05:00

I just want to throw this out into blogland to see what others think or maybe to pose to your doctor. There must be statistics somewhere.

One of our bloggers, Big Daddy, mentioned last year that his doctor recommended being defilled every couple of years to give the band and/or stomach a rest. My doctor doesn’t make any recommendation but…

My experience over the last couple of years is this fill-unfill-refill-defill rollercoaster I've been on. My clinic is not aggressive at all with fills. I get 0.1 cc fills. I know that sounds small but it seems to be what works for me. And I can feel a difference with that tiny amount. I have free fills at the clinic where I had my surgery but I pay $50 here at home with a doctor who works with them. I guess I've seen him about 8 times ($400) and about 5 at the clinic.

I also have big problems when I fly so they take out some fluid. My last defill (down to 3 cc from 4.5 cc) was last September 29th just before BOOBS. It was the strangest feeling. I didn't feel like eating at all, although I had less fluid. That did change and I was able to eat anything and everything but after about 1 cup of food, I'd get this dull ache in my right shoulder, something I've experienced my entire band life. My trip to Europe was wonderful. Full of walking and Goulash Soup but with no problems eating. I gained 1 pound.

My weight stayed the same through the fall. On November 11th I returned to the clinic to be refilled. I also told them that I thought everyone should have an unfill/defill every once in a while. Things just felt different. I think not being too tight helped my stomach relax and readjust to the band again. The nurse said others had told her the same thing. She only gave me a pittance of what had been taken out 0.5 cc/1.5cc. Two weeks later another 0.4 cc was added.

And now I'm hungry. ALL THE TIME. I can blame Christmas. I can blame travelling. I can blame the winter. I'm up 2 pounds since BOOBS. It has to come off.

But I have to wait until after my gallbladder surgery on January 24th. I'm in Bandster Hell! Knowing that getting a fill will help take the hungries away but knowing I have to show my own self-control until then. I've booked a fill appointment on February 1st. I may only get a sparrow's fart of a fill—meaning 0.1 cc but know deep in my heart that this is the only way I can survive with the band. Little fills at a time. When I get too much of a fill, I am plagued by PB'ing, heartburn, throwing up and unable to eat more than a tablespoon of food. Twice I've been so sick, not being able to swallow my spit and don't want to revisit those times EVER again.

I think having an unfill respite for the last 4 months has made an enormous difference in living with the band. I just know that I still need the band and its restriction to do that. So I'll relive "Hell" for a few more weeks. And then really get down to business and make this investment pay off big time.

Throwing out this question: Do you think it wise to give the band/stomach a rest every once in a while by having an unfill/defill?

There is No Finish Line-The End is Just the Beginning

2012-01-02T12:30:00.000-05:00

I'm reposting something I wrote in August 2010. It actually is good to revisit some of our old thoughts because this one is so real to me. I didn't reach the Finish Line in 2010, nor in 2011 because there isn't any Finish Line. How could I have forgotten this important little nugget of information.

The original post was partly plagiarized from a post by Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit in March 2010. At that time, I had just started to lose weight and I wondered how it would be when I reached my goal, my finish line. But a funny thing happened on the way down. I realized that there is no end. There is no Finish Line. His post had such an impact on me at the time that I couldn’t say it any better. Thus the cut and paste from his blog.

This journey is not about a number. It’s bigger than that. More important than that. The changes I’ve made since I began this trek… eating less, eating healthier, exercising more… have changed my life for the better, regardless of whether that number is 191, 199 or 210. There’s nothing magical about any one number… the real magic is in reclaiming your body and your health.
“Losing weight” and “getting fit” aren’t necessarily the same thing. Maybe the two are interconnected early in the game, but “losing weight” is a Point A to Point B kind of deal; “getting fit” has no finish line. It’s the pursuit of a lifetime.
The end is just the beginning. That’s what has tripped me up in the past. Being done. Being finished. Slipping back into my old bad habits as if they were a pair of flannel pajama pants. You see, I’ve lost weight before only to forget what got me there, forget that chips and beer pack a high-calorie punch, basically just forget myself.

As I get closer and closer to that magic number that we call a “goal”, I see it doesn’t really matter if I get there in 2012. There is no award, no trophy, no crown, no ribbon proclaiming I have lost XX pounds. My body will decide the weight I stabilize at and the band will keep me at that weight and not yo-yo up as in the past. This whole process is about gaining my health and living a longer active life because…

“The End is Just the Beginning”.

Reflections on the Band

2011-12-29T14:09:00.000-05:00

A few posts over the last month have me thinking about living with the band. I think the biggest revelation was that we no longer should be thinking about "restriction" but actually limiting how much we eat.

Now I will admit, Christmas hasn't been a stellar month for me. There have been cookies and squares and sweets. But I barely baked like in previous years. And whereas I would have demolished an entire box of Turtles on Christmas Eve, I barely had any chocolate that day. The Turtles were still around for hubby and son. Christmas was quiet and relaxing. I did get an iPad and can actually see the screen without my glasses. I realized I enjoyed the company of others even more than the food. I've made a lot of mental progress since getting the band and this is just one more revelation. Food will not make me happy. Or take away stress. Or be my friend.

I guess when I first got my band, I thought that the upper pouch would fill with food, I'd feel full and then it would gradually flow into my lower stomach. I'd lose weight. For the past 20 months, I've lived through a bunch of fills-unfills-defills-refills. I've come to realize that the pouch does not "store" any food. If you chew the dickens out of what goes in the mouth, it always flows into the lower stomach. Only if the band is too tight does food get stuck in the upper pouch. It wasn't designed to be a second stomach. It was designed to slow the flow of food into the stomach. That is why we chew our food to pulp. That is why it takes so long to eat and causes the brain to register that the stomach is full. And that is also why slider foods are not good for us.

I've been told that I need to monitor and tell my clinic how long 1 cup of food keeps me satisfied. So now I limit my meals to only 1 cup of food and time how long it takes me before I'm hungry. Right now, it is about 4 hours which means, I am probably at a good fill level (even though I am still 0.5 cc below my maximum fill level of 4.5 cc). But I can still eat at any time. I haven't yet reached that point again where I "forget to eat". It will come again.

So why have I been stuck at the same weight since September 2010. My weight fluctuates between 169-175. Yesterday, I was 172. Is this my set-point? For the past few months, I was beginning to accept that this will be my goal weight. Does my body want to stay here or can I actually reach my original goal weight of 154 lbs? Statistically I've lost ~70% of my excess weight which is supposed to be what we can expect from the band.

But wait. Others have lost 100% or more of their excess weight. Others have lost nothing. So in the whole scheme of things the average lies somewhere in between. I don't want the average. I want the most I can get from the band. For me.

I have better plans. So I reflect on the past year.

When I first planned my meals post band, I could eat very little. A few bites here, a few bites there. This led to high calorie creations. No longer was I worried about slathering a piece of toast with gobs of butter or eating a chocolate bar. I could only eat one or two bites anyway. And I don't enjoy plain meat, chicken or fish. So cream sauces (made with real cream, not skim milk) were created. And garlic mashed potatoes to go with them because I couldn't eat vegetables or salads. Cheddar cheese was my go to food, full of fat and calories.

Then my year of unfills and refills. I could eat again. No more PB'ing. No more stucks. No more heartburn. In fact I could easily eat more than 1 cup of food, but I kept to that measured amount. I would almost have a panic attack when someone served me with a big plate. My little salad plates were my friend, making sure I stuck to the 1 cup portion. I could eat whatever I wanted. But I had grown accustomed to making these calorie rich foods but instead of a bite or two, I was eating the whole enchilada!

I also have a tough time getting in my protein. When I do eat about 20 g of protein at each meal, I am "full" for 3-4 hours. I need to make sure there is a bit of fat too. Cutting back on carbs is my goal, although I'd never go low-carb. Never, ever ever. I'd be in the mental hospital with severe depression if you took away my serotonin maker.

I've also been told more than once to give up alcohol. And to really exercise hard.

Funny how all these "advice" givers "know" how I should lose weight. It's not in the knowing. It's in the doing.

So as we move into 2012, I have a lot to think about. I do want to move down on the scale. Since being banded, I've always created a bunch of little lunches stacked in the freezer. Not those unappealing Lean Cuisine frozen blobs (LapBand Gal compares them to dog dishes). Real food, that I've made from scratch. Because I am a fantastic cook. I have to readjust to lower the calorie count but they are quick and easy—I grab one each day for work.

My handy label maker is my friend. Sorry for any spelling mistakes!

In reflecting on what has changed with the band, I realize now that I have cut out fast food almost entirely. I have the occasional happy meal at McD's but I've almost eliminated processed junk food and meals. I take my own coffee in a thermos because it taste better than what I can buy. I will sometimes get a protein shake at Starbucks but I can also make the exact tasting one at home. Another benefit is that I have saved tons of money by not buying lunches, coffee or breakfast at work anymore. Yeah me!

There will be no resolutions this years. I will continue to lose weight. I have my gallbladder surgery on January 24th and will work to get the last 15 lbs off. My daughter is getting married in October and I have a bit of a desire to look svelte. I've ordered 3 exercise DVD's (they were on sale) and hope they keep me motivated until the winter is over. From there I can go back to Nordic walking with my great collapsible poles I got for Christmas.

I've decided I need to continue to blog, if only to check in with ME every once in a while. I get inspiration from reading how all of you are doing. I've resurrected the Superstars Blog and will post a new inspiration at least once a month. I hope a few who have taken a break from posting will reconsider and come back on line.

2012 will be a great year. I have lots of plans.

New Date for Surgery

2011-12-12T19:09:00.001-05:00

New surgery date for my cholecystectomy (getting the gallbladder out!): January 24th, 2012.

I didn't have to whine or anything. The hospital called back and my hubby told them December 23rd was not going to work. So finally the surgeon's office called and we decided on the end of January.

Why I didn't want two days before Christmas? Well first of all my band doc is off on vacation the following week and if I had a problem, I would have to drive 5 hours to Toronto. The other more important reason was if I somehow died, my family would always remember what a crappy Christmas they had this year. Soooo... no surgery until 2012.

I also want to state here, that our Stephanie is an evil person. She blogged about boots then these tempting Rollo-Pretzel-Pecan treats in a post. She sent me the recipe (ok, I was a bit evil by asking her for it) then changed a few things and made Caramilk-Square Pretzel-Pecan treats myself. The Caramilk bars were on sale for $1 (98 cents US). Hope they don't make you drool too much.

Me: 2 Hubby: 1

And Steph could never be evil. But these sure are good!

BodyFlow, Surgery Rant and a New Job

2011-12-09T17:27:00.000-05:00

I might have mentioned that I was taking a Line Dancing Class which ended last week. The teacher was a bit of a turd. She wore a back brace and was a gazillion years old. But I went and learned that I'm not really a line dancer. One of my previous managers is a friend and she talks me into all these different things. Like Belly Dancing 2 years ago. Line Dancing this year. And then she said we should go to BodyFlow at the gym. Sort of a combo of yoga and tai chi.

OK. I went. I twisted and turned and sweated. I have no core. Yup. Me. I can't balance worth beans. And when she wanted me to bend my leg under me or do those funny leg positions and squats I wondered why oh, oh why was I doing this and not lying on the couch watching CSI.

But I'll go back. Because my core sucks. Every Thursday night at 8:30-9:30 pm. I'm usually in bed at that time watching CSI.

And as to my surgery date to have my gallbladder out. Well, they left a message today to tell me my surgery was booked for Friday, December 23rd. That basically means that some some other sod told them to F-off and turned down that day.

Having worked in the hospital at Christmas, no friggin way does someone have surgery the day before the almost 50% shutdown of a hospital for 2 weeks. If there are any complications I'm SOL for reaching anyone with any knowledge of fixing me up. The booking dept is closed until Monday morning but I left a message to say NO. They will need to reschedule me sometime in January like the surgeon said. It's all elective anyway. What if I were to die during surgery. What a nice Christmas present that would be for my family.

You know what is really amazing. I have actually had 3 surgeries in the month of December. Because no one else wants to miss out on their turkey dinner. Not this time I say.

Just ranting here.

And in other news, I start at a new location for work on Monday. I still work for the same employer but a different team. I've gone from a 10 minute drive last summer, to a 20 minute drive at my current location to a 40 minutes drive north of the city. Should be exciting because I have had nothing to do for the last three weeks, other than read books. At least it will be an experience. And I'll still have a job when all the others are downsized in a couple of years.

I think ahead.

Going Nuts at Costco

2011-12-02T14:18:00.000-05:00

I took a few hours of vacation this dreary Friday afternoon but first stopped at Costco for a few things, including nuts. I don't think I realized just how many nuts I had til I piled them on the table.

You might notice our nuts up here in Canada are bilingual!

There are Walnuts, Pecans, Cashews, Peanuts and Almonds. I think I'm a bit nuts. Not pictured is the humungous bag of Chocolate Chips. But I have this great Spiced Nuts recipe. If you come visit me I'll let you try them. Or you can also go nuts and make your own. Here is the recipe: Spiced Nuts

And why is it that one goes into Costco for only a few things and ends up with a bill for a few hundred dollars. Jeesh. My freezer is full. Of course with big bags of veges. And a couple of other good things.

I was called Svelte

2011-11-23T16:56:00.000-05:00

I rarely get comments about my weightloss from those around me. I still think I am obese when I look in the mirror, that so-called dysmorphic syndrome. It's funny but when I was fat (fatter?) I thought I was thin and now that I am thinner I think I look fat.

To my point. One of the guys I work with looked at me on Monday and said I looked...

long pause...

Svelte.

NSV!! And today one of the ladies I work with asked if I had lost weight because my face looked thinner. Two compliments in one week.

I've been the same weight for the last 14 months.

I think it's the eyebrows. Barbara made me buy this cool Smashbox eyebrow powder in Chicago. It must make me look thinner.

Yup, it's the eyebrows. You should try it. I'm sure it can make anyone look Svelte.

A Treat for Everyone: Band Superstars!

2011-11-17T19:51:00.001-05:00

Have I got a treat for all of you. I promise you will NOT gain any weight with this one. Presenting:

Band Superstars

The S.O.B. blog has been resurrected as Band Superstars. We have copied the 7 stories to this new blog for your pleasure and inspiration.

Please pass this along to everyone you know. Grab the Band Superstars button and put it on your blog so others can link up too.

I especially want to thank Jen from Jens Lapband Journey and justfoolinblogdesigns.com/ who helped redesign the blog. She did a magnificent job. She sorta, kinda likes stars.

Go now to http://bandsuperstars.blogspot.com/

Become a follower.

Stuff yourself silly with words of Inspiration from previous stars, instead of Turkey! The next Star will be posted early next week so you can continue with the feast.

And one day you too can dream upon a star and actually become one.

Back Home

2011-11-13T17:47:00.003-05:00

I made it home. Two weeks of travelling and eating and drinking and laughing and walking and all good stuff. I am now in love with Hungarian Goulash Soup. I can't tell you how many bowls I ate while away. It is awesome and I have the recipe and I made a big pot on Thursday. It is so good. Here's me enjoying a bowl in Budapest.

But I also ate this:

And this:

And now I will confess.
I gained 1 pound.
Since my defill of 1.5cc on September 29th just before Chicago.
I am so freaking happy. I only gained 1 freaking pound.

I drove to the clinic on Friday and they only gave me back 0.5 cc. It's a start. No more excuses. I will use the band and have it filled to perfection and lose these last 20 pounds.

And in other news, I met up with Gilly in Toronto over a couple of beers and ravioli. Well I ate that and she ate much less.

Isn't she adorable.

But OMG, I only gained 1 pound. So while I ate and drank lots I also walked a tremendous amount each day. I estimate about 8-10 km. Which makes me want to keep this exercise thing going. Who would have thunk, that exercise lets you eat more. Hmmmm...

Signing off...

2011-10-23T12:32:00.002-04:00

Did I make you look?

Nope, not signing off from Blogland. I'm leaving the country on Tuesday and won't be back until November 9th. Finally leaving for our trip to Europe. I'll be updating a Travel blog so if you'd like to see what we are up to during the next couple of weeks click this link:

Cruising Europe from Prague to Budapest

http://www.travelpod.co.uk/travel-blog/timsandy/1/tpod.html

Here's where we're going.

Enjoy the quiet. And if you happen to be in any of the towns or cities above, wave to us from the banks of the Danube as our boat floats by.

I am beyond excited!

Butterflies

2011-10-13T15:05:00.006-04:00

Thankyou for all the best wishes for my anniversary post. But I need to address this one question asked by Lap Band Gal:

My question to you: are there still "butterflies" after 30 years of marriage? I ask this of the couples that are married for what I consider a lot of time. This single girl wants to know.

I expect a bunch of you to jump on board to answer this too. Please join me in this for "all the single girls" and all the others who just want to know.

The short answer is YES.
But it isn't like that first year where the heart is aflutter and the stomach does roll-overs when the phone rings or you are getting ready for the date. That is first love and I'm not sure if you can ever get that back with the same person.

And of course my googling gave me this:

The three stages of love are the same for everyone: lust or romantic feelings, physical attraction, and emotional attachment. The stages of love aren't necessarily separated by markers like anniversaries or events (such as getting married). Rather, the three stages of love blend together in one long stroke of love.

I couldn't have said it any better. I guess after 30 years our love is all blended into one. Just like I love my two children, it isn't something that disappears or fades. I married late at 28 and didn't think anyone would every want me. But someone did and I don't ever regret the day I said "I Do". Here is my take:

When my DH travels (he works in another city twice a week) he calls me on his way home. If he doesn't, I pick up the phone and invariably he is only minutes away. I get this little worry that he isn't ok. Maybe like a moth?
During the day, I can think about him and get those butterflies that we all talk about.
Trust is a huge thing for me. In fact his ring is engraved with 'Love and Trust Always'. I could never imagine either of us "cheating" on the other. BTW, he doesn't wear his ring because he almost lost his finger when it caught on a cleat while sailing years ago.
He's a great Dad to two great kids. He's a sucker for being manipulated by them, but deep down he knows it. He'd give them anything if he could. And although the tears don't always work from me, they sometimes do.
He danced to the song Hasta Mi Finale by Il Divo in the kitchen one day and we both cried.
He came from a family of 6 boys but always puts down the toilet seat (a little quirk of mine). My son does too!
We have had some seriously bad times but came through them together. Both of us have dealt with family issues, job losses, money woes. But we're mostly over that and can enjoy travelling and just doing things together. But money doesn't bring happiness, but it can keep things from being harder.
He has never been revolted by my fat. I was thin when I married, gained up and down for 28 years. Spotted me the money to pay for the band with narry a hesitation.
He's very physically fit for a 57 year old man. He runs and bikes and is a 4th degree black belt. but he wasn't always like that. He lost weight in the early 90's and has kept it off since.
He's bald and I love it. When the comb-over started about 10 years ago, I asked him who he was kidding. So he shaved it smooth and that's just the way I like it.
And yes, there are still butterflies. Like the Monarch butterfly, they sometimes go to Mexico for the winter but when they come back it is fun. And sometimes it is just the slug of a caterpillar that I see, but I know the butterfly will come again soon.

This was my favourite book to read to my kids!

And because my daughter and her friends read my blog I won't mention much about sex because as parents we only had sex twice, once for my daughter and the other time for my son. (Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge)

And to repeat from a previous post, I said this: I have been married for 30 years. You notice I didn’t say happily. Why? Because it is damn hard work being married. But looking back, I would do it all over again and most of the time we are happy. I can’t say that we are “soul mates” because I don’t really know what that means. But I wouldn’t want to be living with anyone else and I truly and deeply love him. There have been happy times, sad times, angry times, WTF times when those words “for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part” are so true. There is no marriage preparation course (and I took it against my will) that could ever prepare you for this thing called marriage.

Alright now, it's your turn. How would you answer Lap Band Gal's question.
Come on, I know you want to.

And Lastly, here is the song I walked down the aisle to and danced my first dance at my wedding:

The Rose by Bette Midler
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to blead

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

30th Anniversary

2011-10-10T11:34:00.000-04:00

First off, I posted my pics from Chicago BOOBS 2.0. Click on the Chicago Photos tab above or this link to go to page.

Anniversary
Today is my 30th wedding anniversary. After a weekend of family gatherings for Thanksgiving, I am amazed at the congratulations for that many years. OK 30 years is a long time to be with the same person but is it truly an accomplishment?

I see it as just a part of life. Some of us make it in marriage or a relationship for a long time and some don't. There is no magic. I figure I still get something from this man I married 30 years ago and honestly it doesn't feel like that long ago. We've had our ups and downs and I think I mentioned that in a past post, but overall it is all good. Even when our kids hear us griping and snapping and arguing.

Marriage or common law or relationships are really what you make it. There is no course, book or advice which can define it.

It is what it is. Here's mine:

The smile says it all!

(He doesn't really glow. The light reflects off his baldness which I love)

DH even vacuums. I just have to get him to do it inside.

I'm not the only one who enjoys a sip of wine.

But I feel a thousand times better than in years past.

Thanksgiving in Canada

Just a final comment for those in the US who asked if our Thanksgiving is based on the Pilgrims. Not really. It originated with Frobisher. When he failed to find a north passage through North America to the the Pacific Ocean and held thanks in 1578 for surviving the perilous journey. Bet he froze is balls off up there in the north!

French settlers who came to Canada with Samuel de Champain (early 1600s) celebrated the harvest. Then during the American Revolution, many Americans moved north to Canada and brought their traditions, including their take on Thanksgiving. But we don't dress up like Pilgrims.

So I guess we are a combo of a lot of traditions. Originally it was celebrated in November but after the World Wars, it was moved to the second Monday of October to separate it from Remembrance Day (November 11th). Basically it is a celebration of the harvest with Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, family and a lot of drinking. I think many even watch football and stuff themselves silly. It's another day off work for which I give great thanks.

Now you know.

Unfills, Hangovers and Good Things

2011-10-06T21:20:00.000-04:00

Not really what you think, but I have a hangover from the Chicago weekend. Not alcohol induced although there was that one night…

I mean Chicago 2.0 was as amazing as last year and yet completely different. I felt more of an observer this time just watching the girls. And the annoucement of over 4200 pounds lost. Ooh La La! That is over 2 tons of fat gone, gone, gone from 50 girls.

I didn't arrive until Friday afternoon and missed a lot of the frivolity which made up Thursday night, the dressing up, the dancing, the singing, the drinking. I truly missed meeting a bunch of the newbies although Donna and Nancy were right there when I arrived and we had some good face time. My roomie Robin arrived looking as thin as ever. I had so hoped her frilly grey sweater would somehow get lost in my suitcase, but alas it was not there when I came home.

I was sick most of Saturday and lay in bed until noon when I forced myself to elevate my body and just move. OK, I'll confess, too many mixed drinks on Friday when I arrived. This old body just can't handle her liquor anymore.

Drive to Chicago:
As many of you surprisingly know, I drove to Chicago partly to see the changing leaves (it rained both ways!) but also to stop at my clinic near Toronto for an Unfill/Defill. My drive back home was delayed 90 minutes by a horrendous accident on the highway leaving Chicago, then a stop in Kalamazoo to shop and lastly getting lost at night in Detroit trying to find the entrance to the bridge. Jill my GPS lady had it wrong then got it mostly right. All I could hear though is our Gilly shouting WTF, do you know they murder people in Detroit (no offense to anyone-I grew up in the 60's where they announced the nightly murder numbers). I did find the bridge, and crossed back home to Canada. My first stop was a Tim Horton's for coffee to keep me awake for the last 2 hours. I slept in the next day until 10:30. Unheard of for me.

Unfill on my way down: Yup, I'm back down to the 3.0 cc I had after surgery, from 4.5 cc. A whopping 1.5 cc came out which I estimate to have have cost me about $500 over the last 18 months. And no, it wasn't so I could eat the big hunks of meat in Chicago. It was to avoid the dreaded clamping shut when I fly to Europe in two weeks. But a funny thing happened. I lost my appetite. Weird how taking out fluid can cause that. But it makes me happy. I gained nussing in Chicago, although I was sick, sick, sick.

Good Things:
BOOBS: Every single woman who came for the weekend and all those who were in our hearts. There are too many to name and so many photos circulating. There were so many good ones of y'all but I picked this one partly because I looked good (and so does that other lady beside me).

I'll be posting many of the other photos on my Chicago page soon.

Planners: You are all so special to me. I wish you would create a Groupon coupon that I could use whenever I needed one of you. My girls: Draz (you made me cry), Jen (I loooove my blog makeover), Deborah (Toronto awaits), Stephanie Joy (orthotics in your future), Joey (I'm waiting for you to make me an iGrandma), Linda (I want your hair!).

I'll add Jen S. (who seriously can sort and fold so many clothes in the speed of light!)

Clam Chowder soup at Lux: I waited a year to have this soup (only served on Fridays) and it was oh so good. I think it set off my Gallbladder making me nauseated for most of Saturday. OK, as I said above, it might have been a combo with the booze.

Jennifer-Lopez Skinny Ponte Pants: OK I bought them (medium) at Kohl's cause they made my legs look really skinny. Not too sure what Ponte means but my guess is A$$. They suck you in and slim you down.

Drinks: Long Island Iced Tea (and variations), Sangria, Margaritas, Wine, Rum punches, Purple Jesus punch: Don't mix. Eva. In fact everyone, just stop drinking period.

Hot stuffed jalepenos: Those hot little suckers can cause just as much pain coming out as they did going in.

Big hunks of meat at the Brazilian restaurant: The filet mignon and parmesan crusted chicken were Yum. The strangest part was using one of the big plates when I'm used to the little ones. Although I put a bit of everything from the salad bar on the plate I could only eat about half. And only a few bites of dessert.

Pajama Party and Underwear: If you saw the pic posted on Read's blog, I was given undies. Assorted undies and it made everyone laugh. Because last year Joey saw my old lady baggy bum undies and decided I needed some new ones. I will try to take a picture of them all. Thanks sweetie for thinking of my a$$. Personally I think it was just a distraction so no one would comment about the Ben and Jerry pints that were being inhaled.

Makeup and Jewellery: My new face exfoliator with real gold specks, the most perfect eyebrow makeup and eye liner (Barbara made me buy all this stuff so beware when shopping with her). And I have a new bead for my Pandora bracelet, one call the Magnificent Mile.

Gift Bag: Pirates Booty, Protein Bars, Pashmina and other goodies. Thank you so much. The Booty is gone and the protein bars came in handy on the long drive home.

Things I missed: Walking tour; Seeing more of the Chicago architecture because I was in bed til noon on Saturday and was made to shop, shop, shop. Forgetting to give Tina her Cadbury Fruit Bar from Canada to compare to the one brought from England by Justine. But it was really tasty! Not getting around to talk to everyone.

Even Better Good Things

I didn't gain any weight. In fact I am a titch down. WTH?
Finding out that something I said in an e-mail about that someone being a good mom really meant the world to her. I am still a little stunned and teary eyed that a few words can mean so much to someone.

One year from today my daughter is getting married. I have 15 pounds to lose and that is so doable. If not, Barbara tells me (and shows me in the photo) that spanx can help the body look pretty darn good.

And last but not least, it is Thanksgiving here in Canada. My family will be here for dinner on Saturday, although my sister is bringing the turkey, stuffing, gravy and cranberries. I'm doing all the veges and dessert. Then Sunday, it is off to my BIL for another stuffing of turkey. Monday is my 30th wedding aniversary. Hmmm, turkey?

The weather is going to be sunny and hot. Weird. Where is fall?

Working the Band

2011-09-23T17:00:00.000-04:00

Nora posted today about The Purpose of the Band and I realized I haven't thought much about what the band does for me for many many months. Maybe that's a good thing but maybe it's time to see how things have changed for me since being banded in February 2010.

So how do I "work my band". I think it is the habits that are ingrained after 18 months.

Right now I can eat anything and everything but I still stick to the 1 cup of food at any one time. That doesn't mean that I don't eat another cup of food 2 hours later if the hungries hit. And sometimes I have gone back for seconds since I am such a good cook but that is maybe once a month!

I don't drink with meals. I will drink a full glass of water just before I eat. I try not to eat between meals and try to stick to 3 meals a day plus one snack. I chew the bejeesus out of every scap of food that goes into my mouth. It still amazes me how fast most people eat, as I merrily chew, chew, chew. I stick to solids as much as possible, even in the morning when I can eat eggs and toast without problems. I had some pretty impressive stuck episodes the first 6 months and what they think was esophageal spasms where I could only eat two bites of food before giving up. That seems to all be resolved, as I said, I can't think of any food I can't have. I even had corn on the cob this summer. I was out to dinner with our Barbara in Montreal on Monday night (I had the bestest time) and only finished half the salmon on the plate. Consciously thinking about portions is the way to go. My DH happily finishes what I don't eat most of the time.

What I still need to work on is getting enough protein. I've been drinking a strawberry protein smoothie a few times a week with 30 g of protein. (I recreated the St@rbucks recipe). I've always been a carb addict and I know if I could reduce those, I'd maybe see some further weight loss. The other issue I see is that I still enjoy wine and beer (and LIIT in Chi-town!). I'm not an alcoholic, nor do I drink to excess, but a glass or two every week is part of life. I'm not sure I want to make that change just yet. And I have been really really bad about any type of exercise. Don't chastise me. All these things will come.

I have been a bit surprised how little fluid I have in my band. Right now, I have 4.6 cc in my 10 cc Lapband. I started with 3 cc at surgery and have not had the best time with getting that sweet spot. But I've had it. That lovely spot where you don't even think about eating. Many unfills, refills and tiny little fills of 0.1 cc. I have fluctuated at the same weight (170-174) for the last year. But I did lose and keep off 40 pounds and hope that I will drop another 10-15 pounds in the next year.

But I am in a holding pattern right now. You see I am flying to Europe at the end of October and I have problems with my band when I fly. I will warn you that I am in the absolute minority with this. There are so many others who fly without having problems but all the times I have flown this last year (3 times), my band has clamped shut. The clinic thinks there might be an air bubble and for some reason it moves and presses the band shut. I don't know. So to avoid being in a strange country and not being able to swallow my spit, I am getting a defill next week on my way down to Chicago. They told me they wouldn't take out all the fluid but will probably take me back down to 3 cc. I'll have three weeks once back from Chicago to see if it is enough.

I don't think I will gain any weight back. In my past trips I am so active I usually don't see any weight gain. And it isn't like I'm doing this to eat outrageously at the buffet on the boat. I plan to walk all over the towns and cities we are stopping at and bring with me all the tricks that have become second nature like eating small quantities and waiting and carrying good protein snacks in case lunch or dinner is delayed. I know if I get too hungry, I feel like crap and then eat a lot of junk.

Did anyone notice that I said I was getting the defill/unfill on my way down to Chicago? I could have easily booked the appointment on my way home on Monday. I ordered the full meal for the Saturday dinner. Big hunks of meat. Protein, that's what it is. Protein. And I do remember the Huev0s R@ncher0s at the little restaurant beside the hotel!

I think I will just have to book a fill appointment when I get home on November 10th. Til then I still work my band. I paid too much to let it all go to waste.

Emotional Energy

2011-09-12T17:42:00.000-04:00

My fill doc here in town sends out a newsletter every week and this one hit a cord. He quoted from a book which explained some energy zappers that take away our happiness:

The energy vampires: If someone you know is contributing nothing but negativity, try to interact with them as little as possible and instead surround yourself with more positive people.

Ha Ha! I just switched jobs and know the negative atmosphere had sapped almost all the energy from my life. I used food and drink to deal with it (unsuccessfully). I have also stopped seeing or talking to some toxic people in my life. They aren't that important if they make me feel like crap. I now try to surround myself with those who bring something positive to my life. BOOBS beware. Hugs are coming your way.

The green-eyed monster: Envy eats away at emotional energy. Focus on what you love about your own life rather than comparing yourself unfavourably with others.

I still have the "I wish...". "If only...", "Why not me..." I need to learn to live in the moment and know that I have the life I make for myself. I can never live someone else's dream.

The perpetual to-do list: If you’ve had an item on your agenda for more than a few months, that’s extra weight you’re carrying around. Make time to do it, or let go.

Umm. That would be exercise. Just gotta do it!

The endless worry cycle: Obsessing about problems is like trying to win a race running on a treadmill – you use up all your energy going nowhere. The antidote to worry is action. Every time you worry, do something, anything. Just making a plan to overcome a problem often helps.

I have to FORCE myself to stop thinking about something, especially in the middle of the night. Or I have told myself, I get 5 minutes to "worry" and then I have to move on to something else. It's really working. I used to obsess in my last job on how to fix things which were unfixable. When I get really bad, I know it is time to go back on the anti-depressants.

(from a book called "The Emotional Energy Factor" by Mira Kirshenbaum.)

Here is what she says about Emotional Energy: It's an aliveness of the mind, a happiness of the heart, and a spirit filled with hope. Emotional energy has a specific feel. It's a sense of being up, happy, forward looking, resilient, feeling young, feeling open, feeling your juices flow, being in touch with the loving, creative, generous, hopeful parts of yourself. People who have emotional energy give to the people they love, rise to difficult occasions, and are able to make decisions to change the parts of their life that aren't working for them. Emotional energy means you can ride out any storm and your core of grace, happiness, and strength won't be touched.

You see that girl in the rollercoaster cart at the top of my blog? I want to look just like her and have high Emotional Energy!

BOOBs 2011 Fun Facts!

2011-08-30T20:12:00.001-04:00

1. How did you pick your blog name? A friend had a blog called My Rollercoaster Life and I thought how much it referred to my dieting and weight loss tries over the years. My first post said the following:

How does one get off the weight loss rollercoaster after 45 years of dieting? Most of my life has been spent either dieting, thinking about dieting, refusing to go on another diet or just plain giving up. I am tired of the twists and turns ... So it's time to get off the ride for good.

2. When did you start blogging? December 30, 2009.

3. Theme of blog (weight loss, family, circus clowns, sci-fi, erotica, fly fishing, doll collecting, star wars, etc) Weight loss and all the other stuff that sort of pops up in my life.

4. Did you go to BOOBs 2010? YES, I sucked up all my courage and decided to meet with a huge group of complete strangers and hoped they weren't axe murderers! And none of them are (although I have my doubts about this one particular one...).

5. When were you banded? February 10, 2010

6. How much have you lost? 40 pounds, from 210 to 170. I have high hopes for another 20 though.

7. What are you most looking forward to at BOOBs? Just reliving the amazing atmosphere that surrounded us last year.

8. What/who do you hope to find/see/accomplish at BOOBs 2011? Drink Long Island Iced Teas? Sing karaoke? I want to see everyone and hope they want to see me.

9. Children? Pets? My daughter is 28 and my son is 26. Pets? No but does my DH count?

10. Who is your roomie? I'm shacking up with Robin again this year.

11. What day do you arrive? Friday afternoon.

12. What airport/flight/time? Hard one. You see I'm driving. I need a defill and will stop at my clinic on the way down, visit with an old aunt (yup, she's 86) near where I grew up and then it's about a 4 hour drive to Chicago. But I have my GPS lady to keep me company.

13. What events are you signed up for? I didn't sign up for anything except the big ass full dinner with hunks of meat on skewers or swords. See #12 about the defill.

But I'm hoping to be able to go to the Sears Tower or the Friday afternoon walking tour (but only if I can get a ticket when I arrive and there is room on the tour). Just playing it by ear.

14. Hobbies? Digital Scrapbooking. Travel all over the world. God, I need a life.

15. Career? I've done lots of stuff. I started as a teacher and hated it. Became a Registered Nurse and saved people. Stayed home with my kiddies and was bored out of my mind. Retrained in computers and now I help develop applications for the government. Pays great. Only a few years left before I can retire, but I need a hobby first.

16. Single? Married? In a relationship? Married for 30 years this October. Which is one reason I am getting the defill. We are going to Europe for our anniversary at the end of October and flying makes my band shut tight and I want to be able to eat!

17. Your birthday month? March: Pisces

18. What do you want other BOOBs to know about you? I cry at almost anything. Some might think I'm just an old lady (ok, I'm 57) but I don't feel "old". I had the greatest time meeting complete strangers last year and have since internet-adopted multiple BOOBS. I call myself an internet-Mom (or iMom) with a whole bunch of iKids. I even have many many iSisters. And when one of them is hurting, I hurt too. So come cry with me, but only happy tears. Oh, and we can sing karaoke if you like.

My Buddy, the Band

2011-08-24T17:31:00.001-04:00

I really am still alive and kicking but thanks for wondering how I'm doing. Gilly and Deb can attest that I am still dedicated to this band thingy and blogging.

I had hoped to have a fill last week, but alas there were no cancellations. I'm doing much better and those crappy few pounds disappeared which takes me back down to the low 170's, a place I have been for almost a year. If I didn't get the band, I know I would have gained all my weight back by now. And I wonder, like a few others if this is my final weight, my setpoint. Right now, I'm just content to just accept it for now and not worry.

Chicago is only a few weeks away so I decided not to get another fill before then. As I mentioned before, I will be going to Europe at the end of October, only 3 weeks after BOOBS so want a small defill at the end of September.

Crazy, maybe but flying affects the fluid in my band so bad that I don't want to risk not enjoying my trip with being stuck for three weeks. Anyway, the nurses at the clinic suggested I have a defill but not a complete unfill. I think I'll go back down to 3 cc (from 4.6) which is what I had at surgery. I plan to have the defill on my way down to Chicago.

So you know what that means? I ordered the big ass Full Meal with the big hunks of meat for the BOOBs dinner. Hopefully those pieces will be served by some hunks. I know, I'm old but I can still see (with my contacts in, that is).

My eating is under control and I have certainly slowed down my eating over the past few weeks. My last fill was the middle of July. Since then I have switched jobs to one that is much nicer, although a bit boring. I now write policy, processes and guidelines. I joke that the "b!tch is b@ck" because I get to tell all these people what they are supposed to do. No one listens anyway, but at least the contemptuous environment from the other job is slowly leaving my body. I have no pain from my gallbladder but will still have elective surgery to have it out. I think that too was causing stress on my body.

Dinnerland mentioned that in her post today. Never underestimate the power of stress on our weight loss attempts.

We really are a work in progress.

My Weekend

2011-08-22T18:28:00.002-04:00

This is what I did this past weekend. I don't want to repeat, so...

Click here for mini boobs post by Deb

and here for mini boobs post by Gilly.

And cross my heart: I DID NOT drink the magical beers.

My glasses of beer were twice as big followed by a couple of Spicy Caesar's. They count as vegetables. I swear. Actually, beer is made from hops so I guess I had lots of veges.

Struggles are Part of Life

2011-08-16T19:17:00.000-04:00

It seems a few of us are struggling with trying to get back on track with our weight loss. I'm here to say, I'm hitting the wall too. I'm up another few pounds, now sitting at 176 pounds. I seemed to have been stuck in the low 170's for so long that it came as a shock that the number had gone up.

And last night when I realized that I had started to gain, I freaked out and wondered if I was a complete failure with the band.

I have my excuses. Too much stress at work. Too much wine. Too many sweets. Too little exercise. Too little desire to actually lose more weight. My cholesterol drugs, my gallbladder attack, my uncomfortable old bed.

But today was a good day. A positive day. Stephanie posted an amazing quote and one particular line said: "It's not how many times you get knocked down; it's how many times you get back up.”

So I dusted off my backside and got back up. I called for another fill, although typing this right now, I am a bit stuck which hasn't happened for months. Probably because I am making myself eat more solid protein. I'm on a cancellation list for either Friday or Monday because I am heading down to Toronto to meet up with Gilly and Deborah (all the way from Chicago). Secretly I am hoping I don't get an appointment til Monday as we are going to an amazing restaurant with lots of food and I'll be able to easily overeat.

I know I am not at my sweet spot. Since my unfill in early March, I have been gradually getting tiny fills of only 0.1 cc. I am petrified of being overfilled. I think I now have 4.6 cc in my 10 cc band. I can eat almost anything but keep to the 1 cup serving. But I am so hungry only a couple of hours later and end up eating 4-5 times a day. Those calories add up and the pounds start to creep back.

The slowness is getting to me. But I need to be patient (my word for the year!). I have been the same weight for 12 months. I'll get that sweet spot back and then the pounds will start to drop again. I've had the spot where I don't even think about food, forget to eat and actually have no desire to eat. It is very hard to convince ourselves that the band is our tool but use it we must.

There have been many Superstars of the Band (SOB) who have reached their goal which gives us the inspiration that we too can do it. We need to resurrect that blog again (Gen if you read this, I'll kindly take it over for you). I also saw the lovely lady who inspired me to get the band. She is 3 years post-band, down over a hundred pounds, slim, trim and gorgeous (love you S!). She did it and I know we all can.

Come along with me so we can all call ourselves S.O.B.'s. And never give up, just keep on trying.

New Haircut

2011-08-11T20:33:00.000-04:00

I had my haircut earlier today which helped put me into a positive frame of mind.

Please forgive the grainy quality of the photo as my daughter borrowed my camera a month ago and has not yet returned it (did you hear that H?). I had to use the little video camera on my computer. I've decided I am just not a long hair type of gal. And also, I think I look pretty damn good at 57 years old!

In other news, my new bed is pretty sweet. I sleep like a baby.

I had a tiny fill last Monday (0.1 cc) and it doesn't seem to be helping at all. But I will keep to the small fills for now til I get the elusive sweet spot.

My gallbladder has settled down. No pain anymore. I have an appointment with the surgeon the week after Chicago so will probably decide to have it out in December or January. If it acts up again and I can't handle the pain, I will just go to the hospital and they will have to take it out. For now it's elective surgery and I'm not in any big rush to go under the knife again. I just hope it doesn't cause any problems on my trip to Europe. But I think all will be good.

And did I mention that Deborah from Provoking Practicality is coming to Toronto next week and Gilly and I are meeting up with her and we are going to have so much fun. Just wanted to build the excitement of a Pre-BOOBs meetup. I think there might be a couple of doggie bags from the restaurant we are going to. I'm told there are belly dancers but it wasn't clear if Gilly was one of them!

Pictures to follow.

I Laughed til I Cried

2011-08-09T19:20:00.000-04:00

And it felt oh so good. I can't remember the last time that happened but it was so refreshing to realize that I am coming out of the funk I have sunk into over the past year because of a bad job situation.

But that is over, as I've started back at my old job and am seeing the sun come out.

All because of a good laugh. One of those belly laughs with tears streaming down my cheeks. I snorted. If I'd been drinking coffee, it would have blown out my nose. Or I would have pee'd my pants.

Here is what brought me back to a normal life. A life that needs fun and laughter in it. A post from someone who had a smashing weekend, who with her BFF decided she needed more than a foot massage and it involved a little Chinese lady straddling her bum and showing complete shock that she was wearing “NUSSING? NUSSING at all? Why you no has nussing?”

Click here if you missed it.

You guessed. It was Draz with her BFF Jen. And BTW, Jen, I too would have asked the same thing for the rest of the day. You rock.

But so does Draz. She my iChild. They both are.

Go laugh til you cry. It is the bestest feeling eva!

I'm a Statistic

2011-08-03T17:19:00.002-04:00

The results are in. I have gall*stones and because I still have a bit of an ache on the upper right side, I'm being referred to a surgeon for elective surgery. I am hoping and praying it can be done soon, so I'm well on the mend for BOOBS at the end of September.

But I'm doing well. The pain started to really go away on the weekend. I was able to go into work on Tuesday (Monday was a holiday) and so far so good. I'm back at the place I worked last year and everyone seems so happy to see me back. Still haven't really figured out what I will be doing but I know it involves lots of policy, process and procedure writing. How fun. Gradually some of the stress from the last few months has been oozing out of my body and my brain is very happy about that.

It's now a fact. I am a statistic. Gallbladder problems happen a lot after weight loss but here are a few more statistics (not to scare you!). The medical term is C.h.o.l.e.c.y.s.t.i.t.i.s and having the gall bladder out is a c.h.o.l.e.c.y.s.t.e.c.t.o.m.y. (just trying to avoid the google searches). Click here to read the full article.

Rapid weight loss or cycling (dieting and then putting weight back on) further increases cholesterol production in the liver, with resulting supersaturation and risk for gallstones. A 2000 study suggested the following rates for gallstones related to extreme and rapid weight loss:

The risk for gallstones is as high as 12% after 8 -16 weeks of restricted-calorie diets.
The risk is more than 30% within 12 -18 months after gastric bypass surgery.

About one-third of gallstone cases in these situations are symptomatic. The risk for gallstones is highest in the following dieters:

Those who lose more than 24% of their body weight.
Those who lose more than 1.5 kg (3.3. lb.) a week.
Those on very low-fat, low-calorie diets.

Weight cycling also puts people at risk for gallstones. For example, a 16-year study found that the risk for gallstone surgery was 68% higher for women who lost and then regained more than 20 pounds at least once, as compared with women whose weight remained stable.

As you know I haven't lost a whole lot of weight, nor was I a fast loser. But I did go on a pretty low-calorie diet. And I am now 18 months after surgery. And my weight has cycled up and down for most of the last 40 years.

I'm now a statistic. But I hope none of you ever become one.

I am so excited. I get my new bed on Saturday. Peacefull, comfy sleep. Can't wait.

My King Size Bed

2011-07-28T14:32:00.000-04:00

I'm still on vacation/sick time. Still have some pain in the side but it's manageable. I have an ultrasound on Friday morning so hope to have some results early next week. This is a long weekend here in Ontario and the weather is great. Hot, but not muggy like last week.

My hubby works from home and since I have the week off, he was going to take some time off. Not! He worked in Montreal on Monday, Toronto on Tuesday. Was on the phone all day Wednesday and it started out the same this morning til I said Enough!

We need to go shopping for a new bed. So he pencilled me in for a hour trip to the store. Our old King size bed has two divets where each of us sleep and this big hump in between us. It felt like two twins pushed together. Neither of us wanted to make the trip up and over the hump. It was beginning to feel like the Rihanna song called California King Size Bed (click to read lyrics).

The salesman, Gord was a sweety. First of all I had to tell him to stop calling me ma'am. I hate ma'am. It makes me feel soooo old.

He hands us both a pillow and off we go trying out beds. I actually just wanted to have a little nap but he kept us hopping from one bed to another until we found our perfect sleeper.

Of course it's a King Size (regular one, not the California King Size like in the song). It is a pillow top, medium firmness and NO hump between us. He threw in a couple of really nice pillows. I should sleep like a baby especially when we will now be able to snuggle much more without the hump.

We get it next week. I can't wait for a really good night's sleep.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

2011-07-26T20:00:00.000-04:00

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. I am now on vacation and I thought I'd let you know how it's going.

Last Thursday, July 21st: I walked out on my manager and did not go back to work on Friday. I go back to my previous job on August 2nd. My exit wasn't quite as gracious as I had hoped but I knew if I didn't leave when I did, I would regret the words that would shortly be exiting my mouth. Nuf said. Put the crap behind and move on.

Friday, July 22nd: Cried a lot. A friend told me that it takes at least 20 positive comments to overturn just 1 negative comment. That night I was at my sister's place for a fantastic BBQ. Drank much wine, laughed and had fun. Dinner finished with a lovely White Chocolate Crème Brulée.

Monday I started painting my master bathroom. A lovely green called Home Song. Began to notice a pulled muscle but worked through the pain. After the second coat of paint the pain started getting worse. So more Tylenol and I took a break. Now I wasn't feeling so great.

Today. I didn't sleep well last night as it felt like someone had punched me under my right rib. It finally dawned on me that it might be my gallbladder. Since my doc is on vacation I headed to the clinic across the street from me and after a short wait, he ordered an Ultrasound and gave me some little pills to stop the spasms. The ultrasound is Friday morning so I'm hoping it will tell me why I feel like crap.

So much for my vacation. Guess I'll go back to work and change my time off to sick time and save my few days of vacation for another time. Now I'm wondering if I will need to have my gallbladder out and if so just when I can have it done. I need to plan it around a trip to Toronto, BOOBS and my trip to Europe at the end of October. And don't forget I am starting back at my old job and would like to get things worked out there as well.

I know that many who have lost weight end up having their gallbladder removed. Funny but I didn't lose a whole lot of weight and I also didn't lose it that fast. I am the same weight as I was last year at this time. It can also be triggered by eating fat. And I have been eating a lot of fat lately, including two Crème Brulée's.

Guess it's age. Things are just wearing out.

Enjoy the Life you Have

2011-07-19T16:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Kristin wrote a comment on Barbara's blog which really touched my heart.

"Enjoy the life you have, even though it may not be the life you planned."

As I sit here pissed at the world because of a horrible situation at work, I realize we are in charge of how we deal with the good things and the bad.

Today I choose to cherish the good things about the life I have and block the bad things that are happening.

Last night was a pig-fest. I decided not to crack open a bottle of wine but I did revert to another form of crack for me. My friend, food. Yup, anything and everything went through the band last night. I did a lot of chewing too. I've done this before, using food to drown out the crap and I know it will happen again. I will move on like always, realize the behaviour and know that this isn't the life I planned but the life I have.

I have three more days of dealing with a very toxic work environment. Then I'm on to a new position, new manager, new team. One piece of advice I have embraced was that people don't leave their jobs, but rather leave their bosses. And right now that is the truth.

This wasn't planned, but it is a new door opening. New opportunities.

I have incredible support from a few close friends who are there to listen to my rants. They have been my life-support and hope they know how precious they are to me.

For today, I will enjoy the life I have.

Gumdrop Confessions

2011-07-14T18:01:00.003-04:00

Confession. I just got home from Walmart with my new purple towels. Standing in line I picked up a container of Gumdrops.

I paid for my towels and then the guy behind me says, "aren't these your candies". Oh right, I'll pay cash and out I went.

I drove home chewing away, probably 20 of them. Stuck in a traffic jam I decided to read the Nutrition label (yeah like these are nutritious):

Calories per 4 pieces: 140

Fat: 0 g (Great, fat free)

Protein: 0 g

Sugars: 27 g

Ingredients: sugar, corn syrup, modified corn starch, artificial flavours...

Yuck. On a sugar high right now. All because that guy noticed the container hadn't gone through with my order. Yikes, 700 calories of sugar.

But I now have pretty purple towels and bathmats.

Fill Day and The Zone

2011-07-11T20:03:00.002-04:00

I had a 0.1 cc fill today which brings me to my highest fluid level in my band. A whopping 4.5 cc in my 10 cc band. I had a de-fill (the nurse told me it isn't called a un-fill) in early March (-0.5 cc) and have gone for 3 fills since then to return that amount. For the last 4 months I have only been stuck twice. And that was because I forgot I had the band and swallowed a big piece of meat. It's nice that thoughts of the band are not as pervasive as way back in February 2010 when I had the surgery. But you just know the pain that will be coming when you inadvertantly swallow a big chunk. Otherwise, all food goes down easy and I mean everything. I'm now just like Gilly who has never ever PB'd. There are those magical people in the world.

I first want to thank Lapband Girl who posted this list of questions last week. It made a big impact on me and made me sure of going for a fill. By seeing this chart I knew I actually was between the Yellow and Green zone. Funny but the nurse at the clinic wasn't very thrilled about this and actually criticized it for mentioning a large plate. Oy! We just can't win.

My hope is that this fill level takes my hunger away. I've been there and want it back. That magical feeling of not thinking about food or really wanting to eat. It's an amazing feeling and I am so close. And maybe it'll just be the thing that gets me losing weight again.

(Go see the full article and other charts on Lapband Gal's blog)
Click to make larger

Life is Like a GPS

2011-07-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

I bought a GPS for my trip to Pennsylvania last May. It got me there and back with a bunch of “recalculating” from Jill, the lady behind the screen. I had my paper map lying beside me and I kept looking at that to guide me. But in the end, I needed her to get me to a specific house (you know the one Barbara lives in) as I didn’t have a map of her town.

Seriously, I didn’t want to go where she kept telling me to go many times, but that is more or less how my life has always been.

You see, I’m a resister and I try so very, very hard to do things my way. Sometimes my way has been good and sometimes not so good. Like the intersection in Bartonsville, Pennsylvania where I looped around 3 times to get from one highway to another because I thought I knew better than the lady in the GPS. That time she was right.

On the way back, I did the same. I detoured off the main highway just to break up the monotony. When I changed the GPS to avoid toll roads, my trip somehow went from a 7 hour drive to 12 hours. Since the bridge between Canada and the US is a toll, the GPS calculated a trip which took me up into Quebec and then home. I think not. Sometimes we have to intervene to figure out where we are going.

I used the GPS last week to get to a training course in downtown Ottawa. Of course, I didn’t like her directions and since I knew the general area that I was going, I finally switched her off. I will admit Jill is very patient, never raising her voice, just recalculating all the time.

So my new GPS has not been used much. I think sometimes I just like getting lost and finding my own way home. But other times, it comes in handy to get us to a final destination without a lot of hassle.

My band is like that. I have been at the same weight for almost a year now, hovering between 168-172 and keep wondering if this is it. But I have this tiny little voice inside of me which keeps saying “You can still do this. You can still lose weight”. And guess what, the voice sounds just like the GPS lady but I still hesitate to believe it can be true. I’m in that Bartonsville, PA loop trying to find the turnoff for the right highway.

As the countdown begins to Chicago I do have a goal in sight. I have a second goal at the end of October when my hubby and I leave for Europe. We start in Prague, take a riverboat cruise down the Danube and end in Budapest. I have all my travel books. Spent lots of time researching on the internet to "learn" about the places we will visit. Lots of walking involved which means getting much more serious about my exercise for the next few months and also the commitment to get back on the band wagon and lose another 10 pounds.

I want to let go, and let the voice keep me going in the right direction. A lot of thinking has been floating around in my head these last few months. Give up and just accept that my weight will always be around 170 pounds. Or keep the faith and never give up.

Forrest Gump got through life with a box of chocolates. I guess times have changed and now we need the direction, like a GPS to help us get to our destination.

I think I'll try to listen to that voice again and believe it will take me to the right place. It's a new month, new goals. I've recalculated.

Barbara is Doing Well!

2011-07-02T11:42:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to pass on the information that Barbara got through her surgery on July 1st and sent me a quick note this morning to say she is

"Drugged up but doing well. "

Thank God for drugs!

Figured it Out

2011-06-20T16:04:00.000-04:00

I finally figured out why I have been a bit sad these last few weeks. It came on slowly and then boom, it hit me. I miss food and the comfort it used to give me.

But why now? I think it's because summer came along and it's BBQ time!

A few weeks ago, I made ribs. Slow cooked them in a lovely rub and then dowsed them with BBQ sause. Yum!

Took my first bite and swallowed, completely forgetting I had a band. Which led to an hour of painful stuckiness and then finishing off the three small ribs on my plate. They didn't really taste that great.

And then there was the lovely Indian dinner with Butter Chicken and Naan. Two bites and I was done in. I again forgot I had a band and just swallowed that big bite. It was another hour of agony before it moved through.

I was determined to remember I had a band. So each meal starts out with concentrating on the food in front of me and chewing til it's pulp. It is soooo boring. I am also entranced watching other people eat. Those big bites and wolfing down an entire plate of food in minutes. Did I ever eat like that. I am guessing that yes I did.

And it's a little sad. I dream about biting into a great big hamburger with lots of toppings. Nope, not gonna happen. I do wonder if I should just take the big bite, chew and then spit it out. Maybe have a spitoon beside me.

I walk by the corn on the cob at the grocery store remembering how good it tastes but also remembering how stuck it made me last year. And don't forget the steak and salads and pizza and burgers and hotdogs and hamburgers and potato salad and ...

So yes. I am sad.

But oh so happy I have not regained my weight. I will mourn the loss of food and then get on with life. Because food isn't all that important anymore.

I am.

Appetite Ruined

2011-06-08T21:05:00.001-04:00

I'm a good homeowner. We recycle paper and cans and bottles. We use a Green Bin for kitchen waste. That's all the leftover food from meals, peels, meat, even cat litter if you have a cat. The pickup is every week but hubby forgot to put it out last week so it was getting full.

It is also stinking hot and muggy up here in what everyone thinks of as the cold north. With the humidex, today it is 42 C (over 100F). We can barely breath. It's been like that for days. So... Extremely hot weather, lots of rotting food, flies. What do you get?

Maggots.

OMG, I went out to the garage to put out the green bin and the inside is completely covered in tiny white maggots. I'm sure they were enjoying the all you can eat buffet I had provided.

After garbage pickup today, my hubby decides he should clean that bin out. Making matters worse, we are on a water ban for all outside water use-no watering plants, no washing cars, no filling kiddie pools, no cleaning Green Bins. So he sneaks into the garage, closes the door and washes out the bin 3 times. If they arrest me for using water, I will have to plead ewwww. When I got home I used half a bottle of Tilex. I don't think there's a maggot left.

Which led to my appetite being shut down completely. I only have to think of those tiny white crawly things and food doesn't seem very appetizing.

Ewwww. I hope I didn't ruin your appetite!

Still Here!

2011-06-02T19:48:00.000-04:00

It's been a long week getting Blogger to correct the commenting problem. Really, I went to your blog to comment and had too many problems so finally gave up. It's the thought that counts.

Not much going on in my world. I had a 0.1 cc fill on Wednesday and so far it is working. I haven't been craving the crap food like last week. My doc is so sweet. He is trying to understand how a fat person thinks. So he says to me: He thinks about what he wants to eat and then decides how much exercise he has to do to balance out the calories. If he can't do the exercise he adjusts the amount of food he eats. In other words, he doesn't eat some of the food he wants.

My reply (I'm actually thinking, are you f'ing mad): That doesn't happen to me. I would just eat everything and maybe then exercise a bit but it would really be stretching to think I could just turn down food.

He now had a confused look. He keeps shaking his head, trying to understand.

Well that is the difference between someone whose brain controls what we eat and someone whose brain is in control of what they eat.

Anyway, the fill works. He is still stunned that 0.1 cc can make a difference. Right, I had gained 5 pounds since I saw him last month. And I have been eating like there is no tomorrow. I'm already down 2 pounds so anyone who says the band doesn't help is so wrong. It is a tool to help. When adjusted properly you don't think much about food. I did ask my doc if he had ever forgotten to eat. His reply, of course. My reply, never. Until I had the band and had my sweet spot.

One last thing. I bought a couple of beads for my Pandora bracelet. This one is called Journey. It represents a path and all the bumps along the road in the journey of life. Mine really has lots of bumps.

This one is call Inner Strength. I think of my band as my Inner Strength and I imagine it being my band.

Many times during the day, I play with my beads. They give me peace.

I need to buy one in Chicago. Any suggestions?

The Bestest Weekend Eva!

2011-05-24T19:39:00.000-04:00

I may need to post a few times in order to let you know how much fun and excitement I had on my visit with Barbara this past weekend.

Wow. What an amazing woman she is. Warm, genuine, loving, sweet, generous all rolled into one. There aren't enough adjectives to describe her. What a time we had.

Part 1: The trip to Pennsylvania
I’ll start with my trip down on Friday morning, May 20th. I left about 5:30 am because I couldn’t sleep. Hooked up the GPS and headed out. Jill is the voice on my GPS and she told me where to go throughout the trip. I also told her off a few times and told her where she could go! When I didn’t go in the direction she wanted me to, she didn’t get pissed or anything. She just kept recalculating.

My first stop was at the US/Canada border. The US Border guard was a lady. I passed her my passport and here is how the conversation went:

Guard: Where are you going?
Me: Pennsylvania

Guard: Why?
Me: To visit a friend. (notice I hadn't mentioned the sex of the friend)

Guard: And how do you know this person?

OK stop right there. I was in a bit of a panic. I couldn’t think. All sorts of thoughts were running through my mind.

Well she’s a BOOB—nope, not gonna say that.
Well I met her on the Internet—nope, not gonna say that (I hadn’t mentioned a “she”)
Well she’s a Bandster—nope, not gonna say that.

So after a big pregnant pause, I said: I met her at a conference.

Guard: And when was the last time you were in the United States. God, these questions are tough. I was sure I would be thrown in jail!
Me (after thinking really hard): Oh yeah, last September when I was at a conference and met my friend!

That got me through the border and I was on my way. Turned up the music and sang my way through New York and then into Pennsylvania.

Part 2: The arrival at Barbara’s House around 3:00 pm
As I rang the doorbell, I began to think maybe she wouldn’t like me and we would have nothing to talk about. As the door opened, we stared at each other. Two little Yorkies—Sophie and Chloé—danced around barking frantically at this intruder. Then we hugged each other so tight it felt like we had known each other for our entire life.

…and didn’t stop talking until I left on Monday morning.

I think there might have been a tear or two but it was like BOOBs 2010 with 48 fewer people around.

Suffice to say, I consider Barbara to be one of my bestest friends. On Friday night, we did go out for dinner with Barbara’s daughter and son-in-law. Such a cute couple. And the crab cakes were excellent.

Part 3: Saturday dinner out at R2L in downtown Philly
We made a vlog (my first) so go see it if you like. It is a bit dark, partly because we forgot to turn on the lights. But at least it doesn’t show how bagged we were. The vlog tells most of what we did on Saturday so I won’t repeat. And yes we shared a few bottles of wine over the 3 days. We had a driver take us to the restaurant and Cindy and her hubby joined us too:

Here is a picture of that pig on a plate that Barbara ordered that was the special of the chef. You would think she didn’t have a band! But I think she only was able to eat 3 bites of that big hunk of pork:

Cindy and Ed

OMG, aren't they cute!

Cindy, I'll e-mail you the pics.

Part 4: Sunday Shopping at the Premium Outlet Stores
First thing Sunday morning, Maria dropped in to visit.

Then it was off to shop all day Sunday. I was able to get a couple of pairs of shorts, a skirt and a Coach purse at the Outlet Stores. Barbara did ok too. By that night we were both exhausted but happily so.

Part 5: Farewell
After lots of hugs and goodbyes I had to leave and spent Monday driving back to Ottawa, stopping to shop on the way. Today at work was agony. I wanted to crawl under my desk and sleep this afternoon. Funny how the body doesn’t bounce back from partying like when we were younger. But it was worth it. So much fun and laughter.

I imagine Chicago 2011 will be just like that.

My Adventure with Barbara

2011-05-22T07:58:00.000-04:00

Come see our vlog we made last night.

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

2011-05-19T17:10:00.001-04:00

I'm off to invade the United States of America.

Yes folks, I'm heading to Pennsylvania for a visit with our Barbara. She has such a weekend planned and it also includes Cindylew!!

Relaxing and pampering. Eating out. Drinking. SHOPPING!!

And the Canadian dollar is above par so I'll get more for my buck in Buck's County!

Is anyone jealous yet?

Leaving early on Friday morning and will be back on Monday. I have maps, a GPS and Google Maps on my iTouch. I just have to point myself south and I shouldn't get lost.

Although coming home tonight I used my GPS and it tried to take me to a house on the street behind me. It had to keep recalculating as I missed their suggested turns. Oh well. If I get a few hundred feet from the destination, someone should help me.

See ya later alligators.

***I just found out that Maria from This one time at Band Camp is meeting us on Sunday. Yeah for a mini BOOBs***

The Whole Enchilada

2011-05-17T07:40:00.005-04:00

I ate it. And then half of the second enchilada. It was yummy along with the beans and nacho chips and salsa. Oh yeah. Throw in a glass or two of Sangria and I'd say, the band is being very friendly right now.

After my fill two weeks ago (0.2 cc) I've been eating all types of food and have especially enjoyed toast. I chew the beejeebus out of everything. I am a model chewer. But I haven't lost any weight. Quantity is my killer right now. When I was in the green zone in the past, I would just stop eating because I didn't feel like eating anymore. Does that sound like how a normal person eats. I could go for hours and not think about eating. But not right now.

So I called my clinic to beg for another fill. Well, it wasn't begging but I'm sure she heard the desperation in my voice and told me I could get 0.1 cc the week of May 30th. I'll take it. I love that I can eat almost anything. The problems is I am hungry within hours. I also wake up hungry which hasn't happened for months. So I'll pump up that little puppy with a drop and see if it keeps the hungries at bay.

In much better news. My liver is NORMAL. Yup, I saw my doc on Monday and my liver function tests are all fine. For the last 5 years my liver enzymes have been elevated and I was told I had fatty liver. Losing the weight has reversed that. Now I won't feel so bad having a drink or two (as if that ever stopped me!). And yup, he is the same doc I met up with at the liquor store with a cart full of wine.

My blood sugar is also completely normal. Woo Hoo! It had just started to go up before my surgery but I never got the dreaded diagnosis of diabetes, although I know it would have made its entrance if I hadn't lost this weight. My cholesterol is high so I'm on Crestor to see if it comes down. And my BP is still not as low as I would like.

More exercise for this chicky. I need to make my goal of walking to Chicago.

I had a Makeover

2011-05-15T08:50:00.000-04:00

That is, my blog had a makeover. Jen from Just Foolin' Blog Designs whipped this up for me and it is amazing. You won't see it from Google Reader so come visit my page to see the incredible work she did. Thanks so much Jen! You are so talented and creative. I love my Rollercoaster!

Don't you just love the the little lady in the rollercoaster cart with the wine bottle. All created by Jen. The bottle has a picture of a maple leaf (for Canada) with my name on it. Funny little side note: in the first draft, some of the wine splotches looked a little too much like blood splatter so she smoothed the drops out a bit. We knew Gilly would get a kick out of it looking like blood though.

I named my blog because I felt my multiple tries to lose weight by any means possible was like a rollercoaster. The endless diet, lose weight, stabilize for a few months, gain the weight back. Many many times over the course of the last 46 years. Up and down and all around, always looking for the next big diet which would work.

But none of them did. It isn't about the food. I know the majority of us actually know what a completely healthy diet looks like. But the quantity is something I was never able to get under control. My brain was crying out with hunger. But it wasn't always food that it needed. I chose food to soothe me when I was sad, happy, depressed, stressed, tired, angry...

I truly believe that not all hunger is for food. It shows up as emotional and psychological hunger as well. The band has helped control the portions but the brain still cries out sometimes. Why are you doing this. Why are you "starving me". There's a whiny two year old stuck in my brain sometimes.

Living with the band is a tool now for me. Blogging helps me understand the brain side of things as I try to comfort my thoughts with something other than food. It is still up to me to do my part as well. Exercise, eat right and be aware. I'm not quite at my sweet spot—that lovely place when the band is working optimally, when I can forget about eating—but I will get there again.

I actually got the band to help me keep the weight off. And it is working. I have been at the same weight since September. Maybe this is as far as I can get on the scale (170). I don't know. I'll never give up trying. Because to give up is to get back on that Rollercoaster again.

Right now "The Ride is Over" for this Rollercoaster. But I can still stand on the sidelines and watch as others twirl and get thrown around the curves on their quest for a thinner body. They will eventually need to get off too. I reached the end, still smiling. Ready for anything.

I'm just glad I was able to get off before I threw up!

And special thanks to Jen for my new signature block. A few people have told me I drink too much. I really don't. But it's fun to keep the fantasy alive!

My Week & Secretly Pleased

2011-05-06T16:51:00.002-04:00

I had a little fill on Tuesday (May 2^nd) and it seems to have helped my hunger level. I am not obsessing about food all the time. I am back under 170 after gaining a bit in April. I adjusted my ticker to make 149 my goal weight to see if it will have some effect on my BP and Cholesterol. I do know I will be on Cholesterol lowering drugs and we have doubled my BP meds. I see me doc on May 16^th. And no, I won't take him any wine!

I'm getting a NEXUS card. It puts me in the fast lane into the States and then back to Canada at border crossings. It says I’m special and can use it instead of my passport. The problem is that not all border crossings have a NEXUS line so I might be stuck in the queue with all the other little people. Cross border shopping, here I come. I wanted to help the economy of the USA by doing my part!

We had a Federal election in Canada last Monday. We have the same old Prime Minister but with a majority Con$ervative government (same as Republican) so will see if my job is cut. I don’t think so, but we do have a huge deficit and debt like every other country so they have to cut somewhere.

Last weekend we went to a surprise anniversary party for friends at their cottage in the country. We were the second couple to arrive. The other couple are two of the strangest people I know but I confidently ignored them. Wine helped tremendously. The husband of this other couple is a real jerk—one who speaks without thinking and is overly loud, obnoxious and a real pain. I once walked out of a New Year’s Party because of his stupid remarks. I am sure you all know someone like that.

And his name is Chuck—I always think of the Chucky movies (although I have never seen them). His wife (Bride of Chucky) is just a bit kooky as well but then you would have to be having such a dip-stick for a husband. Oh and there are a few Seed of Chucky too.

The last time I saw Chucky/Bride of Chucky was at that New Year’s Party over 2 years ago. The wife had just lost weight, probably 50 pounds and I was 50 pounds more than I am now.

Well now, I will confess to being secretly pleased. SHE HAD GAINED BACK ALL HER WEIGHT! Chucky has a bigger pot too. And I had lost weight. Not one comment came from them, but that would be typical. It didn’t matter—I was smiling inside watching fat Bride of Chucky. Is that a bad thing? Really, not with this couple.

I could say: There but by the grace of god go I. But I have my little friend, the band, to keep me from gaining back this weight. What a freeing feeling. I will not gain back the weight like all those other people on all those other “diets” because I don’t DIET anymore.

If it had been almost anyone else, I would have felt sorry that they had regained the weight. I know deeply how hard it is to lose even a few pounds and the dieting rollercoaster has almost killed me.

But for the jerks in this world I am pleased as punch to feel superior for a change.

Now I ask you: Do you sometimes feel pleased when you see someone who has gained back the weight after a diet.

Alright, you can un-follow me now. (Head hanging low).

Pre Fill Day

2011-05-02T16:46:00.001-04:00

I got my fill of the Royals. Loved it all. I had to give "the look" to a lot of the guys in my life when they rolled their eyes. I just replied that it was no difference than these same guys going all gaga over hockey or soccer or football. Just give me a few royal moments pulleze.

Bandwise, I've been able to eat almost anything, although I'm keeping to smaller amounts. But when bread and pasta become daily events, I know I will soon be back to gaining. I have a fill booked for Tuesday morning and hope that kicks me into gear to lose a bit more weight. At the beginning of March they took out 0.5 cc. I had 0.2 cc put in three weeks ago and this should bring me back to my green zone.

I've been out walking at least 3 times a week. Today is rain so of course I decided to do something else and blog.

I just voted. I am sure not many of you know but we Canadians are in a Federal Election. We'll know later tonight what if any changes (like a new Prime Minister) will result. My only fear is big cuts to government jobs but mine should be safe (for now)!

That's my update.

And I am thrilled that Osama bin Laden is dead, dead, dead. Is that bad?

Gobsmacked about the Royal Wedding

2011-04-27T20:18:00.002-04:00

Is anyone else excited about the Royal Wedding on Friday.

I am.

I've been glued to the TV watching all sorts of specials on William and Kate and also a repeat of Charles and Diana's wedding in 1981. I too was married in 1981 and remember the excitement. That was before VCRs, PVRs...

We had to get up really early to watch.

I just programmed the Wedding Special starting at 3:00 am Friday morning. The Wedding actually starts at 6:00 am EST (11:00 am GMT on London). They even have a website.

Oh the excitement. The dress. The flowers. The kiss. The fascinator hats! It takes me back 30 years, puffy sleeves and miles of wedding dress. All that's missing is Princess Diana. She'd be thrilled.

I know, I'm a bit of a romantic but I love the Royals. The Queen is also the Queen of Canada and no matter what she's still a great lady.

Caught Red Handed

2011-04-25T08:49:00.001-04:00

My sister came to visit for Easter so we did a bit of shopping on Saturday. And made a stop at the Liquor Store to stock up on wine (we can't buy spirits, beer or wine at the corner store). The store is called the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO).

I go up and down the aisles looking for bottles with nice labels (I am such a visual selector) and merrily select a bunch of reds and whites.

I have 17 bottles in my cart when I hear this voice asking if I should be drinking so much. I look up and meet the eyes of my Family Doctor. Yup, the one I saw last week and needs to see me again because of my terrible blood work. We smile, I check his cart (full of beer) and we have a little laugh.

His parting words were, "I guess I should check the liver function results".

Oh well. I hear wine is good for the heart and cholesterol. Now which one of my 17 bottles should I open?

I hope everyone had a Happy Easter. I'm off until Tuesday. A lovely 4 day weekend.

Not a Happy Camper

2011-04-21T19:33:00.000-04:00

Not at all happy. I saw my family doctor last Friday and heard back yesterday about some of my bloodwork.

WTF!!

I lose 20% of my body weight and my cholesterol went from 6.4 to 8.1 (sorry my US Pals, I don't know the measurement you use). Just know it was high and is now very very high to the point that I will now have to go on drugs to lower it.

WTF!!

My BP didn't go down at all and we have now doubled my blood pressure meds to see if we can lower it. And that is after losing 20% of my fat.

I see my doc on May 16th (he's on vacation for the next three weeks). I'm hoping that my other results are better and normal. Liver enzymes, blood sugars, B12, Thyroid. Of course I googled all sorts of things and found out I have a 8% chance of dying in the next ten years. Yup all those medical sites have these calculators to figure out risk. That means that out of 100 people with the same risks as me (high cholesterol, high BP), 8 of those people will be dead from heart disease in the next 10 years.

I know being in menopause may be one cause. Hereditary another. Losing more weight might help a bit by reducing the weight I carry around my gut. I also want to see if my thyroid is normal as high cholesterol is something that shows up in hypothyroidism. I have so much work still to do. No more sitting on my laurels and just accepting this weight. And I will also get off my bum and get walking.

So I asked for another re-fill to get me back to my green spot, because losing another 20 pounds is no longer an option but a necessity. I'm waiting for the clinic to call me back after Easter to discuss. I had a 0.5 cc unfill in early March and last week got a refill of 0.2 cc. I asked for another 0.2 cc so will see.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I may have been in even worse shape if I hadn't lost the weight. But seriously, just call me...

Measurements

2011-04-17T13:32:00.003-04:00

Measuring time here in the cold, cold north!

Still have lots of work to do on the mid-section but that will go down with the walking and exercise. I do find it interesting that I seem to lose an inch somewhere on my body for every pound I lose.

Advice for any newbies. Take your measurements and lots of photos. Weight isn't the only thing that changes.

My Motivation

2011-04-15T07:00:00.002-04:00

In early March I bought a new pair of N!ke shoes but wasn't able to get out to enjoy a lovely walk in the park until last weekend (in reality, I couldn't get my @ss off the couch) .

But...

I am in love.

With my N!ke $ensor.

You pop it in the hole under the sole and then use the N!ke app on either the iPhone or the iTouch.

One little amazing product. As I walk it figures out how far I have gone and then when I get home, it uploads to the Nike site to record my distance, time and calories. I've hooked it to my F@cebook page and it will give a status update at the same time. I have a goal to make 12 walks this month and already have 3 down, 9 to go.

The only little wrinkle is that it keeps saying I ran and I haven't figured out how to tell it I am actually only walking. Well I guess walking is just slow running so I'll have to just leave it.

You don't need N!ke shoes to use the sensor. You can get a generic holder which attaches to your shoe but you do need the iTouch or iPhone to record the info.

If you want a little motivation do try it.

Best thing I ever bought.

Actually not. I also got myself a Pandora bracelet to celebrate the weight I've lost so far. It is a basic silver Pandora bracelet with 1 bead on it for now.

Analogies & Positive Reinforcement

2011-04-13T19:15:00.001-04:00

Lapband Gal posted this today and since my comment would have been really long, I decided to reply on my blog since it hit a chord with me. Here is the comment a good friend left for her:

"Losing all the weight has got to be like having one's legs amputated above the knee. You are viewed so differently by others, treated so differently by others, and you have to relearn how to do many things in your life. It has to be a lot of mental work."

I know some may have been a bit shocked at the analogy but I think it goes to how people who are "different" are treated. I had a mother who was in a wheelchair, paralyzed with Multiple Sclerosis for her last 30 years. People stared when I took her to the mall. I have a BIL who will soon be 50 and has also been in a wheelchair due to Cerebral Palsy. He needs care for most basic needs but he still lives on his own. It is really hard to understand him when he speaks but he still tries. Sometimes we ignore him because it is too much effort to try to communicate. One of the guys I work with is visually impaired yet he still reads all his e-mails on a special screen and font huge and has an amazing sense of humour. But I sometimes feel embarrassed when I say things like "look at that, can you believe it" or other stupid vision related sayings.

But I also believe "seeing" someone with a disability can also make them invisible. Someone with an amputation: I am sure many of us would stare although we would try to do it unobtrusively. The same with fat people (yes I said it). There are fat people in this world and I being one was made to feel invisible. I tried to hide it but it was always the elephant in the room. Would anyone ever go up to an amputee and say, OMG you don't have any legs. Not really. I never remember someone saying, OMG you are fat! But there are so many other ways that we picked up the non-verbal reactions.

So yes, we are viewed differently by others, treated differently by others, and have to relearn how to do many things in life. We did this when we were at our fattest, on our way down and for some of us we aren't sure if we have actually "reached the end" in our weightloss.

But will it change? I doubt it. We will always look at ourself differently even when we actually are not very different. An amputee can sometimes have phantom pain or "feel" like their limb is still present. I think those of us who have been fat will always feel that way. There really is a lot of mental work to see ourselves. And I am trying to actually "see" myself.

Stephanie posted about saying nice things to yourself. Sort of a Say it til you believe it!

So here I am to say, I am not fat. I am pretty. I am a good person who strives to be fair and compassionate. I am a great mom and wife. I am learning to love myself no matter how many lumps and bumps I see in the mirror. They are what make me, ME. I love to speak my mind and am trying to listen more. My favourite expression is: Beauty is what health & happiness looks like on the outside.

That's all...

Oprah's Master Class: The Lessons

2011-04-11T07:00:00.001-04:00

A small epiphany. As I lazed around on Saturday surfing the TV channels, I came upon Oprah's new network (OWN) and the series called:

OMG, can someone say lifechanging?

A few weeks ago, Drazil gave us the question: "Who had or has had the greatest impact on your life?" Even though I didn't do BYOC that week, I did think about that one question and all that would pop in my head was Oprah. Not sure why but I have admired her for years. We were born in the same year (1954) and the same month (March). She's black, I'm white. She struggles with her weight and so do I. She has curly hair and so do I. She has scads of money, but sadly I don't. But I admire her insight and what she has done with her life.

This series is amazing. I was stunned by her commentary. It resonated to the depth of my soul. If you get a chance to watch her Master Class, please do or go to the website and read the various "lessons". You can watch the various videos.

Here is the link: Oprah's Master Class Lessons.

Wake Up Curious
Stay True to Yourself, No Matter What
Be a Blessing to Somebody
Find Your Passion
Go For Excellence
The Upside of Hard Times
Open to the Unexpected
Trust Your Instincts
Reinvent Yourself
The Connections That Sustain Us: You cannot survive in this world by yourself.

The last one was one of my favourites. Blogging has given me a connection to you guys that sustains me. I would not be where I am today without knowing you through your blogs.

I wish I had taped the interview but there will be other people profiled over the next few months (Maya Angelou, Diane Sawyer and a bunch of others). It is a show that I will record as I seek my purpose in life (one of the reasons I posted about seeing a psychic).

But maybe it is just seeking the answers inside me. And being reflective.

Either that or I need therapy really bad.

The Buzz

2011-04-09T13:00:00.000-04:00

The Buzz around blogland is about the Dr. Oz show. I haven't had a chance to see the show but get the general gist of what was presented. Basically a question arose whether the band is good for someone with only 50 pounds to lose (OMG that was ME!).

Well duh! If you want to pay for the surgery then why not. Is it any different from signing up for WW, Jenny, Optifast, Herbal Magic or any of the other expensive "weight loss" products out there and putting your body through a tormenting time. I am here to say, they do not work for the long term. There was also the comment about the two women with the band who basically ate nothing.

As I have blogged in other posts, I have tried almost all the types of diets mentioned above (including some companies that are now bankrupt). Yes my sweets, I been around for a long time and have been "on a diet" for 44 years before choosing the band. If any of these diets worked don't you think after all those years I would have had some success! I am a firm believer that it isn't about the food. I have a lot of brain work to do to lose and keep off this weight. The band is my buddy, my conscience, my friend.

My feeling about diets is the following from Albert Einstein (who in my opinion was a pretty smart guy)

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Now here I am, 1 year 2 months from being banded so maybe do not have the right to say the band is a success for me. Yet.

My starting BMI was 34. Now it is about 27.
I was self pay to the tune of $16,000. (I get a few thousand back from my income tax)
I pay $50 for each fill (free if I go back to my clinic but it is too far to drive, although Gilly is nearby)
I have lost just over 40 pounds (started at 209 lbs (highest was 215 lbs) and am now ~168 lbs)
My goal is under 155 lbs but will see how my body feels about that.
I had high BP and still do.
I had high liver enzymes from a fatty liver and they are not as bad now.
I can move around a lot better than I used to.

I eat what I want but the band stops me from eating too much. When I have proper restriction, I can eat about 1/2 -1 cup of the following:

Breakfast: scrambled eggs, omelet, fiber bar, milk, cheese slices
Lunch & Dinner: chili, chicken stew, beef stew, fish, grilled cheese, mostly leftovers, cooked veges, most fruits except I usually have no room. No "dry" meats/chicken

Junk food: almost everything (chips, chocolate, ice cream) but with the band I don't get the cravings if it is adjusted right.
The absolute NO's: pasta, bread (I used to so love a nice warm baguette), raw veges, hamburgers, sandwiches, pizza (unless it's crispy crust, then maybe a small piece).

Guess what: Most of the NO's are ones that are refined starches that we are supposed to cut out anyway.

I chew for probably a minute for each bite until it is almost liquid. It is the one thing I do well.

I had an unfill of 0.5 cc in early March. I think the flying to and from Mexico caused the band to slam shut. It's been over a month and I can eat almost all those NO foods above, even a nice warm baguette. I am going back for a small 0.2 cc fill on Monday morning so hope to get that green zone/sweet spot back.

So to those wondering if it is good to have the band when you are at the lower end of the BMI scale, I say go for it. I know I will live so many more years without a disability because I chose this route. I may not be what some people think is skinny, but I am still a work in progress. It isn't magic but it sure is nice to walk in a store and buy a top in medium.

(YUP! NSV alert: I can wear a medium top! Down from a XXL).

I think Dr. Oz (and Oprah) need to read some of our blogs.

Psychics

2011-03-30T16:05:00.000-04:00

Have any of you ever gone to a Psychic or had your fortune told. Or shuffled the Tarot cards? The word psychic, comes from the Greek psychikos—"of the mind, mental". Also called sensitive, a psychic is a person who professes an ability to perceive information hidden from the normal senses through extrasensory perception (ESP), or is said by others to have such abilities.

I have this incredible urge to have a reading just for fun but have no idea where one finds such a person. A Google search gave me a bunch of names here in my city, but how does one go about choosing a psychic.

12 years ago, one of my friends came into class one day to tell us about her "fortune telling" adventure and thought it helped give her a heads up to life. It sounded so intriguing but the rest of us never got around to actually going. The upside (or downside) was that she ended up separating from the sod who was her husband (just like the psychic said). I always wondered if it was seeing the future or the suggestion to my friend that made it happen. The marriage was pretty bad to begin, abusive and controlling so it may have just been the push she needed to end it.

My boss mentioned to me that I can't let things just slide off my back, that I was more sensitive than the others who work for her and why I was picking up such toxic vibrations more than others. Yup, that's me. I can pick up small nuances that others just don't feel or see. It might be called intuition, second sense, a gut feeling, ESP, a Wooooo moment.

I've known this for most of my life and yet cannot put a finger on why I can sense stuff that others don't. For many years I taught nursing and so many times I would be compelled to go see one of my students just as she was dropping a patient (we caught them together). I will phone my son and hubby just as they are pulling in the drive as if there was some signal they were emanating to let me know they were near. And as a mom, I would wake up seconds before my babies awoke as if I picked up some vibration from their room.

After my dad and mom died there were just too many little nudges that they were still around to discount. I remember driving along the highway on my way to bury my dad's ashes (I had the canister in the car). It was pouring rain—I mean torrential downpour. As I got close to my exit, I glanced over to change lanes and swore it was my dad driving the car beside me. At that exact moment, the sun came out and stayed hot and sunny for the rest of the afternoon. Shivers!

I haven't quite got a grasp on what this all means. Can some people just "see" like the Ghost Whisperer? Can this stuff be dangerous or just a curiosity for a laugh and fun time. A mystery which maybe I should ignore.

Us Canadians (right Gilly) believe we can get almost anything in the States. Do you think there might be a psychic in Chicago? Are any of you game?

Weird. I know. It's a strange day.

Changes & Unfill Update

2011-03-26T19:06:00.000-04:00

Gilly mentioned she quit her job. I guess it was catching because so did I!

Sort of.

I've been on assignment with an IT group for the last nine months replacing someone on maternity leave. But it's been brutal. One of the most toxic environments I have ever worked. No cooperation and you can actually feel the contempt floating in the air from our client. My manager has been very supportive but sometimes you just have to call it quits. So I did.

My choice was to go back to my previous "home" position or do a little shopping around amongst a bunch of other groups. And it was successful. A manager that I worked with before will take me on. Quick and easy. I just had to ask. She's excited because now she has someone to write processes and procedures and keep track of projects. Lots of fun!

So now the wind-down of my current work. I'm hoping to get out of Dodge by the beginning of May (3 months earlier than expected). It is sad that it had to come to this but the situation was just not getting better like we were promised. I feel bad for the few that have not found their way out of the mess, but someone has to keep the lights on.

Now that the monkey is off my back, it is actually freeing. It only takes me 10 minutes to get to work now and the new place will take me 40 minutes, but as I said to my new boss, sometimes those 10 minutes can suck the life out of you.

Just a little update from some previous posts:

My Unfill: I can eat again. And again, and again. It's been 4 weeks and I think I need to start adding a few drops back. My weight is at 168 lbs and I still have restriction (now have about 3.9 cc after they took out 0.5 cc) but am snacking too much. I am waiting as I am on antibiotics (after my tooth was pulled) and I want to make sure the capsules actually go down. They were a bit of a problem last week when I started them as well as the Advil LiquiGels. I had some esophageal spasms and it hurt like heck. It takes lots and lots of water to make them go down. One word of advice: if you think you can just open a LiquiGel and drink it. DON'T. Advil liquid is one of the most disgustingly bitter liquids I have ever tasted.

Makeup Makeover: A while back a friend needed me as a model for her makeup class. She helps those who have had cancer feel better by giving them ideas for using makeup. The class was for makeup for TV so it is a bit heavy. She finally sent me pics and I really don't recognize myself. I changed my profile picture but it still doesn't seem to be me. But it is. Here are the few she sent me (that I will post). At least I've lost my double, double chin. It's amazing that a good application of makeup can erase what I think I look like.

But hey. I need to get used to this new 57 year old face. And there is always Photoshop when we need a little tweaking.

Lastly, could someone make it warmer. We have had this freakin cold weather (0 C or 30 F) for the last week. I am so over winter. The snow is almost gone but please warm up!

Pictures That Tell a Story

2011-03-22T20:40:00.000-04:00

Last night I was watching the Nate Berkus Show and there was a photographer (Me Ra Koh) with her book titled Your Baby in Pictures. She mentioned that we now take lots of digital pictures and they sit on our computers never seeing the light of day.

I'm kind of guilty in that I take lots of pics on my digital camera but don't print them out much. I do make digital scrapbooks of big trips and print out some of the photos on my printer to display on my bookshelf, but haven't done that for a long time. Sure there is Facebook and of course we post on on Blogs sometimes.

My point is that the lady mentioned how we should try to take pictures that tell a story. Her book gives a "recipe" for capturing the various stages of a babies life but can be extrapolated to all other ages. She showed a photo of her 6 yr old son reading under a blanket tent set up in the living room. That way he would remember how he used to build tents. Another was a picture of her daughter on the first day of school. She was sitting on the front porch tying her runners because the little girl thought she couldn't get into kindergarten if she didn't know how to tie her shoes. That picture will always tell that story as she goes through life. She mentioned how we display the grad photos and portraits as a point in time but that is all there is.

I started to think of some of my photos and a few do tell a story. A wedding photo I have shows me with a big smile but what I remember is that I had just tripped over a big rock on the way into the reception and DH had caught my arm. The photographer snapped at that exact moment. It looks like a happy couple, but I remember tripping.

I also remember a photo my aunt had of my 10 year old cousin taken on "Picture Day" at school. This was before digital. When the photos arrived there was a fly, smack dab on his nose. It was funny. And a photo I remember. He died a month ago but I always remember that fly sitting on his nose. I have cute pictures of my kids and memories of the day come flooding back. Those are the ones that hold a special place in my heart.

Photos remind us of places where we have been, people we know and a feeling comes flooding back. I am going to try to take more story photos. I hope you too can find those photos that hold a special place in your heart. A photo that will live forever and one that the family will talk about over and over again.

This photo was taken in Dunedin, New Zealand. We walked from our hotel down a big hill to a brewery in the rain. When we couldn't get a tour we entered the attached pub and I ordered the Ploughman's lunch and this is what I got. This was pre-band and is now just a memory. No way could I ever eat that much anymore. Although the beer would probably go down.

I think I might get the book. I might not have babies of my own anymore, but I think it will be helpful to try to capture something more than a simple picture. I'll be looking for the story when I snap away. May all your pictures tell a story.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-17T19:08:00.002-04:00

I'm keeping it low key this year on St. Patrick's Day. Many times we have spent the evening in an Irish Pub drinking some beer and eating fish and chips. But this year not really in the mood to party. DH is at a hockey game (Senators vs NJ) so I am here by myself just enjoying the solitude. Sipping a a glass of cheer for the day as I have some Irish blood in me. My great great grandparents arrived during the Irish famine and settled in Canada. One day I'll visit Ireland as it draws me there. So raise a glass to toast those that were, those that are and those that are yet to come.

And a big thankyou to all my blogger friends who keep me grounded. You are truly appreciated.

Back to Basics—How I'm Doing—Too!

2011-03-13T11:45:00.003-04:00

I read Dinnerland's post today and thought it was interesting to review our so called band "rules". Here is what Dinnerland wrote:

"I've decided to return myself to the band basics and give myself a grade. There are 10 band rules, and if each 1 is a point, then 10/10 would be perfect, 9/10 would be an 'A,' 8/10 would be a 'B,' etc..."

Sandy talking again: I'm not a big rule follower. I've always been one to more or less buck the system (except for anything against the law, like murder, drinking and driving, stealing). But the band needs some rules just like any other body part. You wouldn't walk on a broken leg or put yourself into a diabetic coma by not taking medication or run up a set of stairs during a heart attack. I look at managing with the band but all these "rules" are part of that. If we stray, in my case, I have pain and agony. And who wants that! So here goes my assessment (and thank you Vanessa!).

Rule # 1: Eat 2-3 small meals a day only; eat only when hungry, and skipping meals is OK.

I eat Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Now post unfill I can actually eat in the morning, enjoying eggs again. My favourite to take to work is ham wrapped around cheese slices. I wouldn't say I experience any signs of hunger. I never have. It's a tough one so I just eat every 4-5 hours but rarely skip meals. I rarely drink Protein drinks. Where I fall down is nibbling on chocolate or having some wine on the weekends. All calories in.
Score: .5/1

Rule # 2: Eat slowly (wait at least 30 seconds between bites) and chew thoroughly; the goal is masticate food until it is almost liquidated in your mouth.

I have mastered this one. It probably takes me at least 30 to 60 minutes to eat my small portion. I chew the crap out of my food and it is masticated to pure liquid when I swallow. This one has always surprised me when I get stuck on liquids. I also have TMJ in my jaw joint so when I chew it crunches. One of the reason's I have had to go to softer foods is to prevent further deterioration from the excess chewing needed to get a steak eaten.
Score: 1/1

Rule # 3: Stop eating as soon as you feel full

I agree with Vanessa that this rule is a bit ridiculous for people with eating issues. I portion out my food (1 cup) and just eat that amount. I have felt "full" by getting a small ache in my upper left shoulder which I believe is just an iritated nerve being stimulated by the band. But I could still eat if I wanted to. When the band is too tight, nothing goes down or only a few bites.
Score: Not able to assess.

Rule # 4: Don’t drink while you are eating

I am a star with this one. I drink lots of water during the day. But stop about 10 minutes before I eat and then wait for at least 30 minutes after eating before I drink again. Now this isn't 100% of the time. At some meals on the weekend, I will sip wine during the meal but it wouldn't be more than half a glass.
Score: 1/1

Rule # 5: Don’t eat between meals

FAILURE! When I am at my sweet spot/green zone I forget about eating all together so would say I rate an A. But I'm an emotional eater and the brain seems to take over even when my band is crying out in pain. So chocolate and ice cream are my go to foods to soothe the brain. I'm not really hungry. This one isn't the band's fault, it is my wacky brain's fault to eat because of emotions and not hunger. I will also add, this is why I got fat in the first place. I know what to eat and I know the portion size to maintain a low weight, but my brain just doesn't get it. It's watching while my inner demons take over my body as I lose control. I feel helpless and disgusted. This is why I blog. To make sense of the why.
Score: Not able to assess until my brain gains some control.

Rule # 6: Eat only fresh food

It took me a bit to figure this one out so I'll reword it to say. Don't eat fast food, junk or processed food. Put good stuff into your body. This I do about 85% of the time. Pre-band, my tastebuds got so used to eating fast food that I didn't enjoy the foods I cooked. I was addicted to salt and fat and high fructose corn syrup that my body couldn't figure out food. I now cook a lot, freezing leftovers for my lunches. I still use convenience foods from the freezer and a few frozen WW meals but overall, I have busted the fast food addiction. My band just doesn't let me eat salads or raw veggies so mostly I cook them or make them into soup (ie roasted asparagus, broccoli soup, added to chili). I rarely eat protein bars or store bought cookies But I had a donut the other day and I still have chocolate. But I also ate fresh strawberries. Thankyou Florida for growing these whilst those of us in the North still have snow on the ground.
Score: 0.75/1

Rule # 7: Avoid extremely fibrous foods

Ha. Ha. See #6 above. I love, love, love roasted asparagus. No problems ever but I do avoid raw veggies unless they are chewed to a pulp. I only have celery cooked in stews or chili. I think everyone is individual on how certain foods affect them so I'll give myself top score. If I can't chew something to liquid, I spit is out. But that goes for a chunk of beef or sausage too.
Score: 1/1

Rule # 8: Drink enough water during the day; avoid carbonated beverages, which can give you gas pains.

I am a superstar here! I drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water throughout the day. Always have, always will. I think I have had, at the most, 4 cans of Diet Pepsi in the year since being banded. It just doesn't taste the same. I don't really drink anything else except skim milk and black coffee. My pee is pale yellow though.
Score: 1/1

Rule # 9: Only drink no-calorie or very low-calorie drinks

I don't like the latte's or creamy drinks from Starbucks or other coffee shops. I'm a purist with my coffee. Strong, black, no sugar.
Now here is where I lose points. I like wine and beer. I've been told to cut out all alcohol and I would lose all the weight I wanted. So to speak to that "someone" who told me that yesterday (and you know who you are and I still love you dearly-VCM), it's not going to happen. And if any of you think I am turning into a raving alcoholic. Not.
Having the band didn't stop life. I am about 10 pounds away from a weight that I know I can maintain for the rest of my life. As I've said in other posts, if I get there I'll be happy, but if I stay at my current weight, I'll be happy too. And my life includes a glass or two of wine or a few bottles of beer when I want. Just following health guidelines for including these in our diets.
Score: 0.9/1

Rule # 10: Exercise at least 30 minutes a day

I'm working on this. I've been walking 2 km per day for the last two weeks and striving to make that 4 km per day by the end of April. To actually get fit, I need to return to the gym for a few classes and some weights. It will also redistribute the bulges of fat that are hanging around. This part is a work in progress but routine is what keeps it going so I have plans to get this routine into my life over the next few months.
Score: .5/1

Total Score: 6.65 out of a possible 8 (#3 and #5 not able to grade at this time)

I guess that is a 83.125%. But it's just a number. I could easily bell the curve to make it better or worse depending on how hard we all mark ourselves. So I'll just plod along following the "rules" as best I can and listening to my body.

Doing this brought back a memory from years ago when I was playing Super Mario on my Gameboy (the original one). You had to get through different levels and if you messed up at a level, you had to start the game again. Each day I would play it for hours trying to get to a higher and higher level, til I got to the end. I don't know what I expected, maybe a few million dollars or something, but all it did was display a few fireworks in green and a big Congratulations written across the screen. The levels were so easy when I finally knew what to do. But each time the end was anti-climactic. I played it a few more times til I got bored.

Maybe these band rules will be the same. Living with the band will just become part of our everyday lives. I don't think there will be a big fireworks display or a huge "I Did It" tattooed on our forehead when we reach our elusive final level. Just like playing Super Mario, we will get bored with doing the same thing over and over again and it will just become part of our lives.

Sometimes Life Gets in the Way

2011-03-08T20:09:00.000-05:00

Why is it that you can go for months and have absolutely nothing, nada to do and then Bam! It's like life is in overdrive. The last two weeks have been like that. Here's the nutshell.

Last week I did my marathon drive to Toronto for my unfill. I can eat again (ok, those Harrods chocolates are all gone) but my weight is staying steady. I've managed to walk at least 2 km per day just going to and from work and some shopping. I plan to work up to 5 km/day by the end of April.
Last night a good friend of mine did a makeup makeover for a makeup course she is taking and I was her model. I'll post some pics of beautiful me when she sends them to me. It was fun having someone do my makeup.
My daughter is getting married on October 6th, 2012. 18 months of planning. Funny but my first thought when she told me was how fun it will be to have a party. Afterwards I realized I hadn't once thought how I would need to lose 50 pounds. They've picked the venue: the Canadian Museum of Nature here in Ottawa to be married and for the reception. It looks like an old castle and is so cool. We'll be able to open the Dinosaur exhibit for our guests to roam.
My DH and I finally booked our cruise this fall. Once Chicago was announced, I had to figure out how to work around that date and we decided to go to Europe for a Riverboat Cruise down the Danube, starting in Prague on October 26th and ending in Budapest. It's billed as a wine cruise. Oh, it's our 30th anniversary.

Has everyone noticed how the days are getting longer. Woo Hoo for sun!

Treats from Harrods

2011-03-03T20:22:00.000-05:00

My son went to London, England last weekend and arrived home on Monday night. The same night I was unable to swallow anything. He handed me a box from Harrods and inside were the following:

Last night I was finally able to have one. Yum!
(and I just snuck one more tonight)

I stopped at the Running Room on my way home tonight to buy a new pedometer for my "Walking to Chicago" challenge. I also found my NIKE runners have the small slot for their Nike Sensor that connects to the iTouch (or iPod) so I picked one up. This way when I am walking outside or on the treadmill it will keep track of my effort. I think a few of you have mentioned that you use it too.

The only good part of all my agony with the band: 4 pounds lost in the last week. But tonight, it's just nice to be able to enjoy a little food again.

I also have the sweetest son in the world!

How do you Spell Relief? U-N-F-I-L-L

2011-03-02T15:14:00.000-05:00

Got my band in a tight spot again. And again I had an unfill but not without a lot of drama and driving.

Since coming back from Mexico, I have had many days of eating, then not eating, then getting stuck, and then BAM! Blocked!

Monday morning I was able to drink and ate some oatbran. By lunch I had only managed a few sips of water and it wasn't going down well. I called my Doc here in Ottawa and they told me he was stranded in Newark because of weather. They weren't sure if he would be back on Tuesday and even if so he was double booked. I was on a training course and finally left early only to suffer for most of the evening.

Tuesday morning I was thrilled when I could drink a full glass of water, a cup of coffee and a small glass of OJ. Then the heartburn started. So I called the clinic where I had my surgery done and booked an appointment for 3:00 that afternoon. I hoped in the car and drove 400 km (240 mi) for an unfill.

Yes, we do what we have to do. I spit and vomited into two ziploc baggies along the highway. One stop for gas and it was clear sailing. I still had to wait almost 45 minutes to get in to see the nurse but then blessed relief. 0.5 cc out, leaving me with a measly 3.9 cc in my 10 cc band.

I stayed the night with my BFF (she was thrilled that I just popped in). I was to stay on clear fluids for 48 hours but sugar just makes me feel worse. I was able to down lots of water, Gatorade and some iced tea. I know the band is still swollen so will stick to fluids til tomorrow. I just finished a watered down bowl of Cream of Broccoli soup and loved the saltiness after all that sugar.

The nurse confirmed that flying can affect the band tightness. Sometimes air gets mixed in with the liquid and it shifts with the changes in altitude. I had problems after my trip last October to Chicago and San Franciso but it settled down. I wasn't so lucky this time. Next time I fly I have already decided I want an unfill. Just to be sure. It is also one of the reasons I am considering driving to Chicago, September 30th to October 2nd.

Yes Chickies, I'm going to Chicago. I'll post more about all the decisions that had to be made to free up the weekend. Next time.

I'm Walking to Chicago: 700 km (435 Mile)

2011-02-25T19:17:00.000-05:00

Not really but I decided to take up the suggestion of Ms M from Fatscapades of a Redheaded Chick and put in my miles/kilometers in the next 6 months.

I am not someone who actually likes to challenge myself but I can do this. In my last post I mentioned how important exercise was in keeping young. If those tiny little mice can walk on a treadmill to stay young, I can too!

So I will put on my pedometer and walk, from Toronto to Chicago, virtually. I am vacillating about going to Chicago. My DH and I are planning a cruise down the Danube in October. Looks like we will be booking the end of October which leaves me free to go to Chicago for BOOBS 2.0. I'm actually thinking of driving. I love to drive and maybe, just maybe Gilly will join me for the last half of the trip (700 km or about 7 hours)?

Here is my goal:

Drive from Ottawa to Toronto to get Gilly: 348 km

700 km from Toronto to Chicago

7 months, 214 days

100 km per month

3 km per day.

Yup, I can do this.

Tie up your runners. Warm up and then come join the walk to Chicago.

On your mark, get set. GO!

Oh Yeah, Exercise

2011-02-24T13:57:00.000-05:00

I'm sneaking in a post today since I'm not at work. Something I have been putting on the back burner for awhile as I watch the rest of you run, pump iron, zumba, box...

Exercise!

I just renewed my gym membership for another year. I would estimate that I paid about $20 a visit for the number of visits I made last year. No excuses. I also have a full workout room in the basement. Don't use it either. We have a frozen canal here in Ottawa where people put on skates and skate for miles. Not me, unless I can have a Beaver Tail (donut type confection) covered in cinnamon sugar. Snow shoes and cross-country skiis sitting in the basement. Not used this year either.

I actually have always exercised since my 20's. Not to lose weight. It just didn't happen. But to feel better and to shape my body. It is needed now. The jiggles and lumps are appearing as the fat disappears. Toning is desperately needed. And maybe a little firming. But motivation? Where are you?

Just when I thought I was hopeless this picture and article appeared on the front page of our newspaper on Monday:

The true secret of youth? Exercise

Treadmill program reverses signs of premature aging in mice, study finds.

Published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences

Canadian scientists appear to have proven that you can, in fact, run away from old age. In what could stand up as the most powerful evidence yet that exercise prolongs life, a study by McMaster University researchers in Hamilton found that signs of premature aging were halted — and even reversed — in virtually every tissue and organ in the bodies of exercised mice. (now this must be true since McMaster is my Alma Mater)

The finding, which could be a turning point in antiaging medicine, suggests the proverbial fountain of youth won’t come from a pill or from an exotic berry from the Amazon, but rather plain old exercise.

Mice genetically altered to age faster were forced to run on treadmills for 45 minutes, three times a week (imagine those tiny little treadmills!). Five months later, the mice looked as young, healthy and active as wild-type mice while their sedentary and same-aged siblings were balding, greying and shrinking. While the exercised mice scampered and scurried about their cages, the aging non-runners huddled in a corner, barely moving.

Epidemiological studies in humans have shown that people who are physically active or exercise regularly have fewer chronic diseases and tend to live longer — runners especially.

But, the message is “it’s never too late” to start exercising. (I think they got a little wheelchair for the mouse on the right.)

Soon I will be 57 (March 15th). I think I would like to look more like the mouse on the left than the haggard looking one on the right. I will get my @ss to the gym. Really. So for any of you still contemplating whether exercise in any shape or form is a benefit, just look at the picture. Who wants to actually look old!

I'm now waiting for the drunken mouse experiment. You know the one where they let mice drink two glasses of wine a day to see if it really does lower cholesterol. I'll keep you all posted.

Video From my Vacation

2011-02-21T17:32:00.000-05:00

Finally got it uploaded. Here is the video of my crazy drinking and eating in Mexico.

Just kidding. I'm not blond. But I do have this huge ugly bruise from when I fell on a chair!

Saturday Musings

2011-02-19T12:49:00.000-05:00

I've been home from Mexico for 3 days now and it feels so far away. Bathing suits and sandals now replaced with coats and boots. Spring must come soon. We had a few days of warmer weather—above freezing—but today we're back to freezing cold and the wind is howling. What a difference a week makes.

We really enjoyed our trip. Lots of reading and relaxing. I have a question for blogland. Does anyone think that flying makes your band tight? Before I left, I could eat fairly well without a stuck episode for months. In Mexico, I was stuck and vomited a couple of times. Since I've been home, it still happens. I wonder if the fluid in the band changes with the pressure or moves around within the band. I have heard that some people have tiny air pockets in their band and these too might move around. I also have very little in my band compared to most of you. I think about 4.5 cc's in my 10 cc band. They put in 3 cc at surgery so it's been a slow march of fills/unfills for the past year. I am tight again this morning. I will admit that over the last few months I have been eating more soft foods. Stuff with either a sauce/gravy/dressing.

Here are some of the things that I have been making and freezing in individual lunch portions (~1 cup portions in my nifty containers):

Chicken pot pie with a cheesy biscuit topping (that I have no trouble eating)
Beef Bourgignon with garlic mashed potatoes (made in my cast iron dutch oven)
Fish pie—Basa fish in a white sauce again with mashed potatoes
Chili made with lots of beans and veges
Meatloaf or meatballs

My weight has been stagnant at ~170 pounds. I am not worried as it is winter and for the past 20 years, my highest weight has always been in February. So it is really a good thing since this is the first winter in ages that I have not gained anything. I will get back to a better routine when Spring finally shows up.

I survived without anti-depressants this winter, although I was on them for about a month in November. I discovered it was mostly work-related and figured out that I shouldn't have to take drugs to deal with the work sh!t. My one employee who was giving me the most grief walked out one day two weeks ago and never came back. She is now working elsewhere in the government and the strain has decreased amongst the rest of us. We were left high and dry and it was up to me to organize things before my vacation but we are now steadying the ship so to say. This woman was a narcissist, someone who only thought about herself. She would want the heat turned down, then up, then have them fix the air circulation but refuse a fan. Insist that no one wear any scents (including scented deordorant) and make a constant fuss if she whiffed hand sanitizer. She was accomodated but made no accomodations for the cramped open concept space where we are located nor for others who were trying their best not to disturb her. She used to blow her nose and sound like a fog horn and guffaw like an ass. She made critical mistakes (she was a programmer writing code) but thought herself an expert and perfect. My boss and those around me told me to ignore her but that is easier said than done when I was her supervisor. Many bottles of wine were drunk for this sorry excuse for a human. Good riddance.

That's off my chest. Whew! Now to move on. Below is a picture of me in Mexico wearing a long sundress that I have had for many many years. It is huge but I didn't have a lot of choice with summery things. I went back into my older photos and found one of me wearing the same blouse in 2007. And another at a wedding in Cuba in 2009.

Mexico, February 2011 (170 pounds)

Cuba, July 2009 (~215 pounds)

It was sooooo hot!

(This is the photo that got me investigating WLS)

Sarnia, September 2007 (~200 pounds)

(same blouse as the one in the Mexico photo)

The bald guy is my DH.

I can see a big difference, even though I still think I am fat. But 40 pounds is 40 pounds. The brain hasn't quite caught up with what I see in the mirror. I've said it before and I'll say it again. The only way I see a difference is when I see me in photos. To those who are still avoiding the camera, pull it out and take lots as you lose weight. It will be a history of where you came from on this journey.

I have a noticed some of you have created a separate photo page. That's my next task. I think it will really hit home when I can see all the photos I have posted all in one place.

Valentines Day 2011

2011-02-14T18:50:00.001-05:00

It's out last night in Mexico. We've had fantastic weather except for one day of rain. The temperature has been in the mid 20's C (I think that is around 80F) for most of the week. I've been reading and relaxing. Can't believe we go home on Tuesday. I've been stuck a couple of times-once at the Japanese restaurant with tough overcooked fish. Then again yesterday on Salmon. I am hoping we will be able to eat something tonight. The breakfast of Eggs Benedict went down without problem yet the potato chips with my amazing sandwich balked. A few Rum 'n' Diet Coke will help I hope.

I did get a bit tipsy a few times this week, but what the hey! I'm on vacation. Here is a photo from our balcony on this Valentines day. If you look close you will see the rum bottle is empty. And it was mixed with Coca-Cola Light.

Last year at this time I was still on liquid/mushies. My surgery date was February 10th, 2010. It's now officially a year with my band so here's to the future of health.

Back to snow and cold in about 24 hours.

Adiós, mi lista de amigos

2011-02-07T17:22:00.001-05:00

Adiós, my friends. Off to Mexico on Tuesday morning around 10 am (EST) arriving about 2:00 pm (CST). We're staying at an all-inclusive resort on Riviera Mayan just south of Cancun for a week. Warm weather, sun, sandals, shorts. We even have an oceanview room with a bathtub on the balcony.

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go. Can't wait to get me out the door.

I am not much of a linquist, so thought I should look up a few words of Spanish.
Hola! (Hi!)
Cómo estás? (How are you?)
Buenos días; Buenos tardes; Buenos noches. (Good morning, good afternoon, good evening)

Must have phrases for the pool or bar:
Una cerveza por favor. (a beer please)
Tres margaritas, por favor! (Three margaritas, please!)

Now after all those drinks above, I may need to know:
Where's the toilet? : Dónde esta el baño?

But this is the one I am practicing. You may never know when you need to tell someone:
My hovercraft is full of eels: Mi aerodeslizador está lleno de anguilas.

I will try to read some posts while gone as we have internet. How could I go a week without checking up on you guys. And I am so going to drink and eat and sleep and relax. My mind is there already.

Awwww!

Bra Shopping Confessions

2011-02-06T09:08:00.000-05:00

As I fretted a few posts ago, I bit the bullet and actually went to a shop that specializes in bras. No, not Vicky Secret (we don't have many in Canada, although I think Toronto is getting one!). The store was called Marianne's. I also mentioned my fear of the matronly lady named Olga.

Well Olga wasn't there but I did have Olinda who was a dear. Sweet. Did her job. No measuring, just eyeballing. And I was successful. The Girls are now happy.

I'm a 40 C but one of the girls is a bit smaller than the other. Did you know you should buy for the biggest boob? Olinda did offer to hand me a kleenex or two but it isn't a big deal as the lacy band pulls everything in tight. I guess it's hard to get the size identical with a breast reduction. One is a C, and the other a C minus.

I took Joey's direction and stuck to lace bras. I tried a couple of those other cutsie bras but they had no support. The ones I ended up with didn't cost a fortune!!

I've heard so much about having to spend over a hundred dollars or more for a bra but I got two different ones. A lacy white number for about $65 (~$US 65 since we are almost at par) and the other one, a beige Warner bra shown in the picture. OMG, it was only $36.

This picture is so not me. Only in your dreams. But it is one of my bras. And as an added bonus, when I was in Walmart they had the exact same Warner bra for $24 so I just bought it. It was in a box. It is white. But I will say that it was worth having Olinda size me up for the extra bucks. And I tried some black ones. They didn't fit. But the same style above comes in black, so maybe on my next trip to Walmart.

Phew. I'm good to go for another 3 years.

(Now for undies that fit!)

Copy and Paste

2011-02-02T16:23:00.005-05:00

Sometimes in this world the smallest thing can set off a cascading chain of events that makes one want to shout, WTF? I don't mention my work very often but a litany of events evolved over the last week which makes my tiny little mind want to say, WTF?

The Story: my group of about 20, develop applications for a client ("the bully"). "The bully" is very demanding. Tensions have been building for years and our environment has been classified as toxic, caustic, unhealthy. It has been a hot topic of discussion with the higher ups for months now but no change, just lots of talk. Yesterday afternoon we had a Conflict Management group hug amongst ourselves. Of course "the bully" wasn't involved. We poured out our hearts about the way we are treated. We even had a few tears of frustration shed.

One of my employees just left last week partly because of this sad state of affairs. Just walked out. They will find her another position in another group. For me, I need to deal with having one less body to do the work. But I am ready to throw in the towel too and leave for another position. It feels like "the bully" is trying to gain the upper hand but we resist. Last week, they sent me what I considered the stupidest little requests to "fix". The final straw came when I was asked to copy a file from one folder and paste it into another folder. They said it was my job and that they were not qualified to do this. I actually thought it was an joke.

My response was to be stubborn and say NO! But my boss said to do it, so my team merrily did a copy and paste. And then did it again the next day, and the next… until today. Wowsa. We are now escalating to the higher ups. Because I said NO. Meeting requests are flying around left and right. Cancelled, rescheduled, cancelled, rescheduled. WTF?

A little background as to where I sit in this hierarchy: I am a Team Lead who reports to a Manager, who reports to a Director, who reports to a Director General, who reports to a Deputy Minister.

Yup, little old copy/paste has hit the big times. This teensy tiny little item is being raised to the Deputy Minister. Do you think he will roll his eyes and say WTF?

I do. But some bitch slapping would be fun to watch.

Mayan Riviera, Mexico: The countdown is on (see my new ticker in top right)!

Stay tuned for my next exciting post topic: Two new bras.

Tears for Our Barbara

2011-01-27T17:23:00.000-05:00

I am beyond words, immensely sad and can only think of this song.

Love you Barbara.

Bra Shopping Aversion

2011-01-25T12:10:00.005-05:00

For my new clothes (still only a thought right now) to fit properly, undergarments are a definite must. No more "burn the bra" fanatics running around much anymore. Their b00bies are floating somewhere around their belly buttons by now. Or as Stacey from What Not To Wear calls them, "The Girls". You got 'em, so make 'em look proud.

I think I have a bit of bra buying aversion. My current ones are looking like shabby little rejects. The underwire is still there but there are little puckers and folds which used to be stretched thin by my ample chest. Some of the weight I lost was from my girls. I need one that fits and lifts and well you know the rest. I actually went into the bra store last week but chickened out. No time, no desire, overwhelmed. I had no idea where to start.

Years ago, there were only a few companies that made bras and the selection was limited. You usually went to Sears, found one of those matronly ladies named Olga, to help you pick out your box lined up in little pull out drawers. Buying a bra was more of a chore, sort of like going to the dentist or having a pap test. Necessary but not really a fun time. My experiences of bra shopping went more or less like this:

Go to store, grab a few boxes of Wonderbras. Hand boxes to the matronly Sears saleslady who kept the box while you tried them on.
Enter hot stinky changerooms, undress, look at droopy b00bs, put on bra, bend over to properly place The Girls. Matronly lady would call you dear and ask if you needed anything.
Buy 3 boxes of the same bra in white. Sometimes beige if you were feeling risqué.
Buy same bra for the next 5 years until it goes out of production (or in my case, get pregnant, get fatter, get breast reduction...)
Wear bra til it turns grey or underwires start to impale you.
Repeat steps 1-5.

But now. OMG. It's a candy store of bras and all sorts of sexy underthings. With cute teenage girls waiting to pounce as you walk into the store, looking you up and down and hoping a cute guy comes in so they can avoid having to help the old fat lady who they know will need to try on half the bras in the store and will probably leave with nothing. Wow, is that what is called a run on sentence? But my heart is pounding just thinking about going there.

I want my matronly Sears lady back. To hand me one of those white Playtex 'Cross Your Heart' bras or Wonderbra 'Lift and Separate' and stack the boxes by the cash register. I will look like I have a unib00b but I will have avoided the bra buying spree for another few years.

What's a girl to do. Shopping for a bra is just not something you ask your daughter to come help you with. Do I go to one of those bra fitter ladies who feels me up, measures everything, then tells me I am really a EE or HHHH or something udderly (pun intended!) ridiculous. When I had my breast reduction in December of 1999, I asked my plastic surgeon if he could just make me a C cup. He said he'd try. I went out after the surgery and following the 5 steps above religiously bought my C cup bras. I can't fathom any other letters of the alphabet.

But now I have to suck up my fear and replace my poor old bras. But where to start. Yup my first tried and true place when I am in need of advice. I Googled it. And one link led to another til I found what I needed.

The Bra Size Calculator

It will calculate the bra size you need without the having to admit to the bra lady that you have no idea what size you should buy. There is also a bunch of other information on the site about standards, cup sizes. It will even convert bra sizes between US, UK and Australian sizes. I just did it and it says I need a 44C (US); 44D (UK); 22C (AUS/NZ) (which is a bit funny!). We Canadians use the US system but I guess if a store carries bras from all over the world it isn't so easy to find my real size! BTW, they also have conversions for EU, Japan, Czech Republic and a few more.

I have two weeks before my trip to Mexico. I need new bras. I will do this.

Maybe I'll just start at Walmart. One step at a time. And maybe I'll find a lovely beige one to get out of my white obsession.

Panties next I guess. Although I just picked up a few new packs of Hanes Her Way in size Medium. Joey will probably still make comments about my baggy panties but I just can't get past the horrors of seeing "The Thong". Maybe that can be my next intervention.

And for any of you who would love to see the Playtex Cross You Heart Lady here is the video. At the end they will also show you the Playtex 5 Pounds Thinner Girdle.

Dressing for My Body Shape-A Diamond in the Rough

2011-01-24T06:59:00.050-05:00

As I jump into shopping for new clothes that fit my lumpy bumpy body, it is becoming a huge challenge. And I still have to get my nerve up to get a new bra, an entirely separate post! I did what I usually do when I am not sure. I Google. Which led me to some nifty sites which gave me a few clues as to how to dress.

Shop Your Shape
My Virtual Makeover
Style Makeover HQ
Tips for Clothing by Body Shape

They all identify the different body types with tips to dress. Horizontally, I'm a Diamond, maybe in the rough but trying to shine. I also found out that vertically I am Long Legs Short Torso. The Diamond or Apple shape is the opposite of the Hourglass figure: the rolly polly stomach with little butt and skinny leg. My pre and during photos show the point.

After reading the suggestions to dress for a Diamond I now know why I had such frustration with shopping for clothes. Add in the short torso and it became a nightmare. I can't tell you how many times I have tried on a dress or top which has a belt or ties to go around my waist. It's a definite NO for my body type. Deep down I knew this so I feel a bit of vindication. I am going to print off this list of Do's and Don'ts and use it when I shop. It's a start. Here's the link to Diamond Body Shape Clothing.

Do wear...

Ear-rings, necklaces and other focal points designed to draw an observer's eyes up towards your shoulders and face
Shoulder pads to emphasize your shoulders. This may sound very 80s advice, but they really do work. However, they should not be be visible
Semi-fitted and loose fitting clothes
Good fitting, well adjusted bras
Support underwear
Tops and bottoms in the same colors
Low necklines
Un-tucked tops
Tops and dresses that flow through the waistline
Straight flat-fronted pants in soft, flowing fabric
Straight and slightly flared skirts

Short waist: Do...

Drop waists, mid length tunics and longer tops
Low rise or hipster pants
Deep V necks, open shirts, long necklaces or scarves
Skinny belts or low slung belts
Low to medium heels
Vertical stripes
Pants with cuffs. They shorten the leg line and draw the eye downwards

__________________________________________________________________
Don't wear...

Clingy fabrics
Fitted clothes
Fabric with large patterns
High necklines
Large lapels
Belts
Tucked-in tops
Pleats
Narrow or tapered skirts or pants

Short Waist: Don't...

Don't tuck in shirts or tops (If you do then blouse them up to help elongate your waist)

Avoid crop jackets, short tops

Empire lines
Avoid wide belts
High waisted pants or skirts

When I went through all the clothes I've bought in the last 6 months, I was pretty spot on. The clingy stuff just does not work. I do wear a bunch of camisoles, BUT they are always under something see through. Belts or empire waist: Never. Here are some of the picks for me with a diamond shape and also with a short waist. I am to try to elongate my torso and also hide the stomach. They come from this website.

Suggestions for Diamond/Apple shape (above)

Suggestions for Long Legs/Short Torso (below)

So now I just need the smaller body to go with these clothes. Still confused but getting there.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been on a shopping expedition to find shorts for my trip to Mexico in two weeks. Do you know how hard it is to find summery clothes in the middle of winter in the middle of Canada? I refuse to pay $80 for a pair of capris which only look so so. My shorts and capris from last summer are a tad big. But I think I've resolved to just make do with them. I plan to spend most of my time in my bathing suit(s). I'll just have to suffer from the baggy bum syndrome. All I really care about is getting away to somewhere warm. On Sunday it was one of our coldest days this winter, -25C (-13F) with a windchill making it feel like -38C (-34F). 16 more sleeps and I will be lounging by the ocean, white as a ghost and sucking up the sunshine.

As I work on this diamond, I know that exercise is the only way that it will deflate. I made it to the gym twice last week, fighting and kicking both times. But I went. And I will keep going. I want to get back to the routine and the energy I need from it right now. I also forgot to say that I got a fill last Wednesday. A 0.1 cc fill, just a drop. I think it has helped but will need to give it time. I don't have the ravenous hunger I was feeling and can still eat almost anything. I had pancakes for breakfast on the weekend but didn't finish them. Small victories. It really is true that there is a sweet spot/green zone that when reached takes away all thought of eating or food. I hope everyone eventually gets there because it really does exist. Our own band G-Spot (that's Green-Spot for those who let their minds go elsewhere).

I may even consider a tummy tuck to suck out some of the fat that is so persistant around my middle. But I am just not sure I want to go that path yet. Maybe I'll think differently in a year or two. Till then it's off to get some good body foundation. Bra shopping is next. And I will have to see about some Spanx. Problem is they must be rather hot in the summer.

Spiced Nuts Recipe

2011-01-22T06:49:00.000-05:00

I made a big batch of these nuts last month. They have a bit of a bite, so if you don't like things really spicy, reduce the amount of cayenne pepper.

Spiced Nuts

1 large egg white

1/4 cup sugar

1 tsp salt

½ tsp chili powder

1/4 tsp ground allspice
½ tsp ground cumin
1 3/4 tsp cayenne pepper
5 cups of mixed nuts (ie pecan halves, cashews, walnuts, almonds)

Heat oven to 300 degrees Fahrenheit. In a very large bowl, whisk egg white until soft and foamy. Combine all other ingredients, except nuts, then whisk them into the egg white. Stir in nuts until well coated. Spread mixture in a single layer onto 2 rimmed ungreased baking sheets. Bake for 15 minutes, then remove from oven. Using a metal spatula, stir and separate nuts. Reduce oven heat to 250 degrees Fahrenheit and return nuts to bake until medium brown, about 10 minutes. Remove from oven; toss and stir again. Place baking sheet on a wire rack to cool. Nuts will crisp up as they cool. Break up any nuts that stick together. Store in an airtight container at room temperature.

**I buy the big bags of unsalted nuts at Costco and then mix and match whatever I have on hand. You could also use peanuts. I haven't tried it but this would probably work well using chickpeas. Just watch they don't burn.

Unspoken, I Love You's

2011-01-19T19:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you read a post and just know you have to write something. Again, lovely Drazil got me today. Her Candy for the Soul post hit a spot. If you didn't read it, go now. It's about showing love without the words.

As many of you know, I am a bit older than most of you. Not much, but a bit. LOL. As a kid, I don't remember anyone in my family saying "I Love You" but I had a great childhood. Sure I was fat but it was an ok childhood. I do remember my mom giving my dad a quick kiss when he went to work and also her giving us a kiss goodnight but I don't remember those words.

'I Love You' became very important as I grew up. I remember waiting to hear those words from a boyfriend, but none did. Until my DH came along. He said it first. And I still remember that butterfly feeling in my stomach. Someone actually loved me. Of course I said it back and still do. As my kids came along, I knew it was very important for me to tell them 'I Love You' as much as I could.

But never from my mother and never from my father. I knew they grew up in an era that avoided those words but never really understood. I don't remember my MIL or FIL saying them either.

Then a few years before my mom died at age 79, she said 'I Love You'. It was probably the hardest three words she could ever say to her 5 children. It was an innocent comment from my son that gave her that courage.

My mom used to call about once a month on a Sunday. I wasn't always home and one day, my son picked up the phone at 2 in the afternoon. He had been sleeping, so really wasn't very talkative. After a few minutes the conversation was over but it wasn't until the next Sunday that I learned what was said.

The following week, my mom called and when I answered, her first words were, "Do you know what your son said to me last week"? Now all sorts of things were going through my mind of possible swear words. I mumbled a tiny no and hoped she would quickly get to the point about how I was such a bad mother. Then she tells me that as my son finished talking to her, he said 'I Love You Gramma'.

OK. I didn't really know what to say since we say it all the time in my house, even now that the kids are older. It wasn't til months later when I was visiting, my aunt told me that her and my mom had been practicing saying 'I Love You'. It didn't come easily but 4 of us 5 kids finally heard the words over the coming year. She kept practicing for another year to be able to say the same to my one sister. But she did. It took all her effort but she said 'I Love You' to us all and to her it was probably one of the biggest accomplishment of her life.

So how was it that we all survived and did well without hearing 'I Love You' all the time. As I think back, I realize there were many ways we were shown love without the actual words being said from both my dad and mom. And those are the memories that will continue. Just like Drazil's candy story, she will remember this with good thoughts of her dad because that is just his way of saying 'I Love You' without actually saying the words.

Sometimes in life it isn't always about the words we say. It's those unspoken actions that let those around us know that they love us. The touch, the look, the little things they do for us. Maybe it isn't always necessary to say 'I Love You'. Maybe it really is about those little happenstances that show true love.

OK, you guys. As we head towards Valentine's Day, I hope you see the love around you. I feel the love coming back at me when you send me amazing support.

So I send an 'I Love You' back out to you all.

How Will You Spend Your Dash?

2011-01-18T07:07:00.004-05:00

Click on the photo above to read
what the author has to say.

I always marvel at how some of you write such heart warming poems. You are truly talented and I enjoy poetry immensely as it feels like it comes from the heart.

Last week on the BYOC, there was a question asking what would be your last meal if you were on death row. I think a few people might have been wigged out at the thought of death, which made me remember a poem which particularly touches me. A few years ago, a manager where I worked dropped dead of a heart attack just before his 44th birthday. He was playing old-timers hockey and poof, he dropped dead. At his funeral, they read this poem:

The Dash Poem

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth…

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;

the cars…the house…the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard…

are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left.

That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what’s true and real,

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

and more often wear a smile…

remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read

with your life’s actions to rehash...

would you be proud of the things they say

about how you spent your dash?

There have been many funerals since that time. It seems I am now at the age where funerals outnumber the weddings or celebrations. But at each one, I think about the dash. There is usually something quite profound in the eulogy, a remembrance, an anecdote, a story. Something that makes us remember the good that was their life. I remember at the funeral of my MIL, 10 years ago, her son told about how "mom" could bake. Her date squares were infamous. As her son mentioned a few of his favorite foods, many of us mumbled a treat we particularly remembered. You could hear the whispers throughout the church. It was part of her dash.

In talking about the Dash poem, the author wrote: Living a dash that you can be proud of doesn't mean trying to be perfect and changing yourself to fit the mold of what people tend to think of as a "good" person. To me, it means doing the best you can every day to live a life which may someday allow you to leave behind a legacy of kindness, love and laughter.

Sometimes I forget my dash. Other times I think about how I should do more to be kind, to be loving and to have laughter in my life. I'm still working on my dash. I'll post more in the coming days as I have some thinking to do about my dash.

Just throwing this out there, but how's your dash doing?

It’s Possible to be FIT and FAT

2011-01-16T17:43:00.001-05:00

Last week this article appeared in our paper. Here are a few points from the article:

It’s possible to be FIT and FAT

Chubby exercisers are healthier than skinny couch potatoes. Being skinny isn’t the panacea for all that ails you. When it comes to health and well-being, the numbers on the scale don’t tell the whole story. In a 2003 study by Steven Blair, moderately fit women of all weights had a 48 per cent lower risk of dying prematurely (from all causes) when compared to unfit women — even the skinny ones. The conclusion, said Blair, is that it’s entirely possible to be fit and fat.

This is the photo that accompanied the article.

Funny but the guy looks like he's sleeping!

In a society where the Biggest Loser is the biggest winner, that message needs more play. Being skinny isn’t the panacea for all that ails you. When it comes to health and well-being, the numbers on the scale don’t tell the whole story. Before chubby people from coast to coast let out a cheer, these results in no way suggest that it’s OK to pack on extra weight. High blood pressure, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, gallbladder disease, osteoarthritis, sleep apnea and breast, colon and endometrial cancer are all more prevalent in the overweight population. But for those who struggle to reach their goal weight, exercise can ameliorate a lot of the risk factors associated with obesity.
This is an important message because not everyone can be slim. The same can’t be said for fitness. Its benefits don’t discriminate. So while there are those who think that fit and healthy comes only in small sizes, there are plenty of studies out there that say differently.
Before concluding, it’s worth making clear once again that the fit and fat principle doesn’t give you licence to let unnecessary pounds accumulate. The studies offer hope to those who haven’t found success reaching their goal weight. So while it’s a given that there will always be small, medium and large sized bodies, exercise benefits all sizes equally.

This is just my opinion but I feel it is actually true. Over the last 35 years I have exercised almost continually. In my twenties I was in the Armed Forces Reserves and this included a lot of running and keeping fit. It was also when I first joined a gym. Into my 30’s, more gym memberships, and yes I actually went many times a week. I felt the burn many many times. In my 40’s I used the gym a bit, but invested in home equipment. I also walked 5km (3mi) almost daily. I did try running but hated it, so I defaulted to walking. A few times I just gave up as not an ounce of weight came off my body. But I felt great. Into my 50’s it is back to the gym during the winter and back to walking outside during the warmer months.

I used to wonder why I did all this work when I would see all my skinny relatives and some friends sitting on their duffs. Their only exercise was pushing the buttons on the remote. I do have friends who do workout/run/walk/exercise, some big, some small. But I knew I was different and even with the extra weight, I knew the exercise was really important.

Currently I am at a BMI of about 27 which is “still” overweight. To get to what everyone considers a “normal” BMI, I would have to lose 15 pounds. If I get there, I get there. The numbers don’t really mean a lot to me at this point but it is a personal choice to keep losing pounds. If I don’t lose any more, I will work through this and decide if that is what I truly want.

If I choose (and it is my choice).
If not, I will be one of those Fat but Fit people that studies like the one above talk about.

But don't call me Chubby...

What do you think?

BYOC (Because I Promised to Blog!)

2011-01-15T11:40:00.002-05:00

Well, my peeps. Since I made the pledge to keep posting even if I didn't feel like it, BYOC gives me the incentive to be mindless. Although I do have a brain, it doesn't always function. I am doing this and trying not to think that I really should be at the gym doing the BodyPump class.

1. If you were on death row what would your last meal be before your death? Wine. Chocolate. More Wine, more chocolate. You would see me strapped to the table with chocolate all over my face and singing since I would be drunk. I don't think I would ever need to actually request a last meal since Canada does not have the Death Penalty. I'd be a lifer though and hope you would all sneak me in my wine and chocolate!

2. If you drive a car, do you speed? Generally, I drive about 15 over the limit. Meaning 75 in a 60 zone, 95 in an 80 zone and on the highway, 119 when it is posted 100.

Ha Ha. Did I get any of you. Yup up here in Metric land it looks like we speed alot. But those are all kilometres/hour. I've had two speeding tickets and they were both DH's fault. Really. 100 km/hour works out to be about 65 miles/hour. I usually get behind some of you slowpokes doing the limit. But my kids are grown, so it is only me behind the wheel.

3. What movie can you watch over and over again? I'm a Lord of the Rings fan. I've watched the three parts about 25 times each. Yup. I love Viggo Mortensen when he is all scruffy and good looking. I never read the books. I guess my Christmas movies (Cmas Vacation, A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life) are also my watch over and over again movies.

4. What is your favorite topic to read about and your favorite topic to write about? I like to see how people get through plateaus and just deal with the ups and downs of the band. I also like just reading about the everyday struggles and triumphs and all the daily stuff that goes on in everyday life. Even the "what I ate today", potty training triumphs and disasters, exercise pledges, organizing tips, recipes, MIL/family/hubby/kids/friend stories... It makes me feel normal. If we only posted the "good" stuff, we would all feel crappy thinking that others get it, why can't I. I realized I needed to blog just to keep myself focused. My topics may be all over the map, but they just say what I need to say that day. Take it or leave it.

5. Summarize your week in Blogland and in real life.
I've been reading so many successes that it gives me incentive to keep on going. There is sadness and happiness and joy and sorrow in many of your posts. It is life, unscripted, unplanned. Real.

For me, I have been trying to be a good commenter and enjoy your comments right back at me. I have also pledged to post more often just to get me back to my good spot again. Winter is dragging on as it does every year, although we have not been hit with much snow. I am more aware of what is going past my band and decided to go for a fill next Wednesday. I miss the green zone. I had it for a few weeks and then poof! it disappeared. I want to make a last ditch effort to lose the final 15 pounds and need the band to get things moving again. My daughter is getting married which is giving me a good incentive to look good in a dress. I'm planning a trip south in February which has kept me glued for good deals. I also want to feel better lying around in a bathing suit at the beach/pool and not be fearful of what any pictures will look like.

That's it, that's all. Til the next time...

Plugging Along, a Little Rewind and a Wish

2011-01-11T19:39:00.001-05:00

I am getting inspired as you all get back on the "band" wagon. I've been thinking that I was losing interest and wondered if I had actually hit the bottom of my weight loss. Granted I haven't lost as much as many of you but I calculate I have lost 73% of my excess weight
(40 lbs/55 lbs).

So what is the next step. Am I willing to settle for a 73% when I'm striving for a 90?

No.

I need a new plan to finish this off. I have basically stayed the same for the last 4 months. I was heading down but then the dreaded Christmas hit. Not that I overate terribly. I didn't gain weight but I also didn't lose. I wasn't even particularly hungry, but ate and drank just because they were there. Why am I still falling back into those old habits. I had thought I was working this out. And yes, I can still come up with so many excuses, just like before.

I've been slacking with blogging because I started to think I didn't need to do this so much, that I didn't need the soul searching. But alas, I was wrong. I read so many blogs at work with Blogger Reader but can't comment or post like I used to do months ago because my work blocks the site. I need to just write whether anyone reads this or not. It is my therapy, my motivation, my willpower.

Anyway, this is my attempt to get back to thinking about me again. I am back at the gym which is an especially important step for me. Last Saturday, I went to a class called BodyPump where you exercise with weights. I just need to get into the routine of heading to the gym immediately after work. Once I get home, I get lazy and seem to find other things to do.

Eating isn't too bad. I was at the dentist today so my mouth hurts. She had to remove a bridge which left this big space in the back of my mouth. We don't think we'll be able to save the tooth the bridge hung on so I will have to get used to not having my back molar for chewing. I made this great Broccoli Soup for dinner and I am hoping I don't get the munchies. My pledge is not to eat anything after 7:00 at night as that seems to work to keep my eating under control.

My hunger is returning which makes me think I may need a small fill again. My last one at the end of November really took away my hunger. I was forgetting to eat sometimes. I just sent a request to my clinic to make arrangements with my fill doctor here in Ottawa. It's amazing how fast the green zone can disappear. I had the sweet spot for about 5 weeks and then poof! it left.

My DH and I are planning a trip to Mexico mid-February and I would like to be down a few more pounds. I need a new bathing suit as the other ones are dripping off my body. I am noticing my clothes are actually fitting better so even though I have only lost a pound or two, I guess the fat/muscle is redistributing. And yup, the wrinkly skin is still there. But no PS for me, at least not that I can imagine. I think Spanx will be in my future, especially when I pick out my dress for my daughter's wedding.

I am taking Drazil up on going back, rewinding, to re-read earlier posts. Last January I posted the following about food being an addiction and it still has a lot of meaning to me:

I Have to Pee!

Sorry if this title offends anyone but I am a nurse and a mom so discussing body functions has never been a problem with me. I digress a bit here so stay with me. I’ve been wondering for a long time if food can really be an addiction. I know I crave certain foods. Mine are sugar based. My BFF craves salty foods. Put a bag of chips in front of her and they are gone in a minute. I’ve had a bag of chips in the cupboard for over a month and just noticed my son finished them last night. My food of choice has always been chocolate. Doesn’t really matter the type but I can always find comfort in a big bag of M & M Peanuts or multiple Peanut Butter Cups.

A friend who deals a lot with addicts gave me a laypersons example of what an addiction (drugs, alcohol, cigarettes) feels like. Lets say you have to pee. Usually you can put it out of your mind for awhile but as minutes and hours pass, the urge to pee gets stronger and stronger til it reaches a point where all you can think about is “I have to pee!”. When you finally get to pee, the relief can be overwhelming, you feel better and you can go on with what you were doing until the next urge hits.

So I wondered if maybe that was how I was with certain foods, like chocolate. Sometimes it is all I can think about. I can’t do anything until I have driven to the store, bought the biggest bag or bar of chocolate and stuffed it in my mouth usually in the car going home. The sense of relief is overwhelming. I have my fix and I can get on with what I was doing. But this doesn’t happen with all foods, just some. I know I can easily ignore the urge to binge on liver!

Whether food is addictive has never really been proven. I studied Biochemistry in university and can picture all those little receptors we have in our brain, be it for caffeine, drugs, alcohol, whatever. I like to imagine little M&M receptors just waiting patiently for chocolate to arrive. I do know that if I go cold turkey I don’t seem to miss chocolate so maybe it is just a learned activity. Is it just feeding my insecurities, loneliness, boredom? Like many of you, I have a lot of other issues to deal with besides just losing weight but this blogging helps bring them out in the open. Soon I will be able to imagine little lettuce and celery receptors “craving” to be fed.

****************

Lastly, Barbara if you are reading this, I want you to know I am sending out prayers for you and your family. And I hope your dream, your wish comes true. {{{HUGS}}}.

Cookie Monster

2011-01-06T19:40:00.003-05:00

I love to bake, especially cookies but haven't baked much in the last year. I would make dozens of cookies "for the kids" but could easily put away dozens right out of the oven. I do know that the batch rarely lasted more than 2 days in my house.

So now to the point of this post. I know I will hear from my close friends and relatives who read my blog with a few tut tut's but here goes.

I made Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies yesterday and ate 3 big ones. Tonight I came home from the gym and ate about 20 of them. Yup, my band aches a bit and I really wasn't hungry but I ate them anyway. Where are my kids when I need them.

I don't think I need a fill bacause honestly I don't feel hungry throughout the day and I have to remember to eat. Except when a big container of Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies is calling to me. I am going to make DH and son eat them!

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day.

Hmmm. Peanut Butter Cookies sound good.

My Word and an NSV

2011-01-04T13:14:00.001-05:00

I actually had a problem thinking of a word to define my journey this year. Last year my word was Believe. I didn't really get its true meaning until last fall when it finally hit that I would succeed with the band.

As I pondered a word, I actually Googled "inspiring words" but nothing jumped out at me til I realized one thing. I was NOT very patient. So that became my word for this year:

Patience–noun

the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.
quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.

Here is a start to putting patience into my life:

Patience when I hit a plateau and the weight comes off so slowly.
Patience when listening to others at home and work even when it takes forever for them to get to the point.
Patience to control my temper when things irritate me.
Patience to take one day at a time, to stop and smell the roses, to live in the moment because we don't really know how many moments we have left.

My Little NSV
I'm going to be a Mother-of-the-Bride. My daughter and her beau were engaged over the holiday. The wedding probably won't be until 2012 but both my hubby and I are delighted for them.

A year ago, my first thought would have been, "OMG I will look so fat in the photos". This year the thought didn't even cross my mind until today. Maybe it isn't a little NSV. It's a Major NSV for me.

(If you are new and don't know the term, NSV = Non-Scale Victory (or sometimes Non Surgical Victory). It took me months to figure that one out when I first started blogging. Thanks Justine for helping me with the defn.)

What a Difference a Year Makes

2010-12-30T06:06:00.020-05:00

I decided to go back and read some of my early posts. One year ago I wrote the following post:

How does one get off the weight loss rollercoaster after 45 years of dieting. Since I was 11, most of my life has been spent either dieting, thinking about dieting, refusing to go on another diet or just plain giving up. I am tired of the twists and turns and obsession with the number of calories of each bit of food I put in my mouth. And after all these years, where has it got me. As fat as I have ever been. So at 55, and weighing about 210 pounds, it is time to get off the ride for good. I will try just one more thing-Gastric Banding. My surgery is booked for February 10th near Toronto. Will this time work. I am pumped by all the other bloggers who tell me it has changed their life. What the heck. After at least 40 different tries, why not one more. This might be my turn to win the lottery!

This is me a little more than 1 year of age.

It's amazing the difference a year can make.

And so I can say, 1 year later, I did win the lottery. The band changed my life and for that I will be forever grateful.

I am also trying to come up with a word for 2011. Last year it was Believe. Gotta put some thought into it and hopefully by next week I will have one.

It's a Wonderful Life

2010-12-28T18:29:00.002-05:00

It has been a lovely time of eating and drinking and being with family and friends. The difference this year is that I am not in a sugar induced stupor after bingeing on sweets and treats. I am also down 40 pounds from this time last year. I know it might not seem like much to some of you who have lost 100's of pounds but for me, those 40 pounds have been really hard to lose.

I chatted with my SIL at our Boxing Day (26th) family get together. Her husband (my hubby's brother) weighs over 300 pounds and has lost and re-gained a 100 pounds. She is worried that he will die and so am I. She recently lost 40 pounds too-put on when her mother was dying. But her weight came off easily with cutting back the amount she ate. What we talked about was that her DH was not intentionally staying fat. He knows he is fat, just like I knew I was fat. I love that she is now thin but it isn't the same as her DH and me. It was something that is in our brain and in our genes. They have 5 boys and I do hope he will live to see them grown, with families of their own.

I finished watching "It's a Wonderful Life" today. It only took me two sittings and is one of my favourite movies. It shows that we really do have a place in this world. We will never know how our life or actions impact someone but I do know that this blogging world is my saviour. You have all helped me get to where I need to be and will continue to get me to my spot. We all have rough spots but also good times. Each has that little ripple effect on our lives. Mucho Mucho Thanks to all my friends.

It's been almost a year since I started blogging and I know that by writing down my thoughts helps me immensely. As does reading about all your adventures. I haven't been able to read much or comment these last few weeks but I will be back in the saddle soon.

I found Christmas and it wasn't just about food. My scale read the same number as a few weeks ago. I didn't gain weight. I feel wonderful. The band really works.